This blog post isn’t inspired. It won’t flow nicely or have deep, coherent thoughts. I am forcing myself to write tonight because I haven’t gauged where I am at in writing in a while and, for some reason, I think it is important to keep documentation of where I’m at regularly.
In general, life has been a lot better. I definitely am happier than I was this summer. I am now comfortable in my job and in my community. I have made many friends, and I stay really busy working, studying and socializing. Sometimes I am so happy that I find myself laughing out loud when I am driving along. Some days I feel more myself than I have felt in years. Those moments feel great.
I think part of the reason this happiness has settled in is because I have let go of trying so hard to be my version of perfect. This pressure I placed on myself was keeping me wound so tight and was inconsistent with who I was and am able to be today. No matter what I did in a day, week or month, I could not be who I was expecting myself to be because I’m not ready to move on. I need more time.
This break from attempted perfection is good and bad. It’s great because I can breathe. I don’t spend all my free time contemplating what I did right, what I did wrong, what I should be doing, who’s disappointed in me, why this happened, and how religion plays into the complexities of my life. Instead my free time is spent studying or light/shallow socializing. It is easy; it is fun; and I think it’s good for a season. The bad thing about my disinterest in being perfect is, it is kind of more like a disinterest in improving. I am more apathetic towards life now then I have ever been. I just don’t care about a lot of stuff that was at one time very important to me and I hope becomes very important to me again in the future.
It’s a weird place to be in. I don’t know when I’ll start caring again. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to seek out perfection and be the upstanding citizen, Mormon, daughter, wife, mother, teacher, etc. that I know is who I am. It’s weird when you know you are not living up to your potential and are okay with it. I just don’t want the pressure of failure again. I don’t want to trust or hurt. I am basically making the choice to be damned for a season. I hope forgiveness works and I hope hearts do change. I don’t want to be who I am today forever, but it is comfortable today. It is good today. I am so much less a person than I was during my marriage, but I am so much happier with who I am. I am accomplishing so much less, I am impacting so few people, I waste a lot time of time but I feel good.
This post was written on 10/11/2010. I just forgot to publish it!
