I've never been an angry person. Yes, my brothers and some of the boys of my youth knew how to get a rise out of me, but I usually would deal with such situations by avoiding or fleeing the scene of discomfort. Once away from the situation, I would quickly get over the offenses and resume to my generally pleasant disposition.
After my divorce many people spoke of anger. They advised me not to be angry and I remember thinking, I'm not angry, I'm heartbroken! And I was heartbroken. I was shocked by the rejection and devastated that I was loosing much of what was important to me.
Today, I realized I am angry. Last year I was plagued with bad dreams. Dreams that would creep into my conscious early in the morning, leaving me to wake up to renewed feelings of rejection and pits in my stomach. These dreams subsided last summer. A sure sign that I was moving on. I haven't had a rejection dream in months, until this morning. There I was again. Offering all I could give and being told it wasn't wanted. Trapped. Unable run away from the rejection. I had to stand and listen, with shattered pride that I wasn't enough, and ashamed because I cared.
This morning I woke up angry. I shouldn't be having these dreams anymore! I rarely think about my ex, I don't wish to be with him again and have a really exciting single life. This dream and anger has had me feeling icky (for lack of a better word) all day.
Ultimately I want to be happy. I want to be industrious, charitable, fulfilled, loving and loved. I don't know how to be those things right now. I don't know what needs to be healed or how to heal any faster. I don't want to have dreams that recall feelings of pain.
In the rare moments, when I am completely honest with myself, there is a child inside of me kicking and screaming, "It isn't fair!" I feel stupid admitting such feelings. No one cares whether or not your life is fair. What is fair? And who, if anyone, can honestly feel that the balances of justice have been perfectly matched when they look at their life? Life isn't fair. It's full of unwarranted tragedies and hardships. Stating the fact doesn't change anything and just makes you feel ungrateful. Today I realized that screaming child doesn't want justice, she's just angry.
I didn't realize I was angry until now because other than that screaming child who is usually buried so deep I can't hear her, I haven't felt the emotions most people associate with anger. My blood doesn't boil, my fist aren't clenched.
Today I recognized that my anger manifests itself in avoidance.
I'm angry at Tyler. I'm angry at the religious institution that led us to believe marriage at 21 was a good idea. I'm angry at Allen Edmond shoes, UFC fighting, and motorcycles. I'm angry at New York. I'm angry at gas stoves, safe suburban neighborhoods, pretty pleasantville homes, new moms and sweet babies. I'm angry at marriage and divorce, relationships and being alone.
I avoid these things because I don't want to hear that upset child inside of me. I don't know how to appease her. The past won't change. All I can do is hope the future will be different. I live in a dual world. I spend my time avoiding many of the things that are the most important to me. It creates a confusion of emotions and desires. Other than writing and running, I don't know what more to do.
