25 and Illiterate - First week in South Korea!

 I have lived in South Korea for 5 days now. The first day I was kind of on a rollercoaster of emotions. At one point I would be really excited and happy to be here and then soon all I could think of were ways to get back home as soon as possible. On day #5, I have embraced this place as my home, and am working to establish friendship and a community here.

A little bit about my life here. I live in a new area, called Jeonggwan, which is on the outskirts of the huge metropolis city of Busan. Busan is the largest port city in Korea (I am sure many of the container ships from here end up in Long Beach...maybe that is even the route my Tuscon took!). It is also the second largest city in the country with over 3.5 million people and is known for it's beautiful beaches. It is very hilly in this part of Korea and so you get a very interesting juxtaposition of uniform skyskrapers "nestled" between rolling hills. It's winter here and much of the vegetation is dormant, but it is still beautiful.

Jeonggwan is about a 10 minute drive north of the major part of the city. I was a little disappointed to find that I was not in the heart of the city, which means it will be a 30 minute bus ride to meet up with other expats and explore the city, but I love my apartment and school so much already that I can't complain. Not to mention, Jeonggwan is the up and coming new place to live, so people are moving in daily and new shopping malls, restaurants and stores will be opening soon.

I teach at a hagwon called ECC. ECC is a chain of schools, but the branch I am working at is brand new and opens on Monday. The school is about a 10 minute walk from my apartment and I already really love my director and the other teachers I work with. Everyone has been incredibly accommodating, from letting me sleep at their house when my heat needed to be repaired, to paying for all my home necessities, to giving me copies of Korean dramas with English subtitles to help me learn Korean, to leaving presents of juice and treats on my desk everyday! If I need anything, the native teachers I work with are there to help. It's very comforting knowing I'm not left alone to figure it out here!

I love my accommodation because it is so freaking feminine! It has a light pink wall paper on three walls and then bright pink floral paper on the 4th. I absolutely love my heated floors and enjoy how simple living is here without having to cut out the creature comforts I am dependent on ;). I have a TV with hundreds of channels, many which are in English (CNN, BBC, Discovery, National Geographic, etc.), internet of course, I have a clean and tidy bathroom, a dresser, a cabinet for my shoes, a washer and a hot plate to cook on. I am still getting used to the open shower, but I purchased some bathroom shoes so it's not a big deal. My bed is much harder than I am used to (my behind is actually numb as I sit and type this out!) but I will either adjust, or go to the SuperMart and buy a mattress pad. I also live right above a 711, which #1 makes me laugh and #2 settles any soda or chocolate craving that may come along...so much for easy holiday weight loss!

I have eaten at a few traditional restaurants and really like Korean food provided it's not too spicy. They eat a lot of vegetables, meat and seafood here and I have already embarrassed myself with my poor chopstick skills. Although, I refuse to take the fork the server discretely places near me because I have GOT to get better at it. It's a utensil! How hard could it be to pick up?!? I had duck (which is actually Chinese) the other night and was surprised by how sweet and delicious it was. The groceries stores have a lot of standard American food, so I have had Kellogg's cereal and peanut butter sandwiches when I am cooking for myself...nothing has changed ;).

The most interesting sensation that I have experienced so far is feeling completely illiterate! I haven't studied Hangul, the Korean alphabet, in depth yet and it is so weird not being able to identify even the sign for the restroom! Many signs are in English and hangul, but I still am very reliant on others to help me "read" and then translate basic words. I have started to study Korean and it is going to be a long road! Everything sounds the same to me. How do you train your ear to pick up new sounds and then train your mind to remember them? I hope by the end of the January I will be able to read a few basic words and say common greetings.

I hate writing entries like this, because I feel they are boring. There is little emotion, depth or self expression in this kind of writing, but hopefully it's enjoyable to someone. I'm going to go for my last run of 2010 and first run in Korea now!

Fall in Recap

Disclaimer: this blog is freaking boring at first because it is just a recap. No creativity went into this writing. I am falling asleep as I write it, but it may be worthwhile to remember one day. :)

A lot has happened since I last posted. In October I went to Washington DC and NYC to check out graduate schools, specifically George Washington University and Columbia. The trip was really just an excuse to go back East for the fall and I had a great time traveling with my friend Sugar and visiting Aubrey, Julia, Cindy, Christina, Caitlyn and many other friends who happened to be in the city. I thought visiting the campuses of the universities I was most interested in would really help move me in a direction toward grad school, but I found that I was not very impressed by George Washington and discovered I needed a little more time to refine exactly what I wanted to study within the field of education. When I got back from my trip, I started applying to teaching positions again. At this point I was feeling more than fed up with retail, I had been working at Nordstrom since July, due to the inconvenient hours, stress on my feet and little pay. I explored international teaching positions earlier in the year, but the timing was off. I liked the idea of teaching abroad, but was not emotionally in a place where I could really handle the added stress of being away from everything familiar.

As I returned from my October trip, on a whim I applied to an English teaching position in Korea. A recruiter called me that day to interview me and by the end of the week I had interviewed with the director of a hugwon in Busan and been offered a job to start in December. After some discussion and research I accepted the job and began to live my life louder than I had the courage to do in years.

November and December of 2010 were more fun than I can remember having in a long time. I had no inhibitions and was finally willing to let new people into my life. Before I accepted the job, I intentionally was spending my time with people that weren’t worth it. I was afraid to create meaningful relationships again because I didn’t want to open myself up to being hurt by anyone else. Having a departure date gave me confidence to make friendships. I didn’t think anything could get too deep in a two month period, so I was safe to live and love openly and then say goodbye. I did live and love openly. I went on a girls trip to Vegas, went to clubs in LA and Orange County, went to organized activities with other LDS friends, I went to parties, I danced with friends, I danced alone in my room, I sang in the shower, I spent time spoiling Max and Audrey, I was spontaneous, I smiled all the time and I made up for all the laughing I’d missed out on. Living so freely felt incredible and probably had a greater healing impact than anything to this point.

My plan to have fun then peace out, did not exactly go according to plan. Much to my surprise, I made friends that I am deeply attached to. I don’t know what happened to me in the mess of marriage and divorce, but I somehow forgot or didn’t believe that people really cared to get to know me and then would continue to care about me unless there was something in it for them. I was highly sensitive to being manipulated or used and additionally felt like I had little to offer seeing as I couldn’t trust people and was unsure about my beliefs.

This group of friends did not see the person I saw. They openly loved and accepted all of me. Their words were always kind and encouraging. They were interested in listening to what I was going through and were accepting of the things I struggled accepting about myself. They gave hugs freely, laughed easily and could go from dancing to deep conversation within minutes. Some of these friendships were established weeks before I left, but I know they are going to still be there when I get back. I am moved and deeply emotional due to the gratitude I feel for these people in my life. At a time when I have given God the least amount of attention he deserves, I can’t help but be humbled by this testimony that he still cares about me and wants me to have hope, friendship and love in my life.

I am in Korea now, starting another chapter. There will be more to come!

Here are a few pics of these beloved months and friends:

Try again. Fail Better.

Written on 12/05/2010

I am not sure where to begin. I have been ignoring myself for a long time now. It is so easy to be distracted when there are always friends, parties and the world wide web around. I feel really out of sync with who I am. I am not sure what I want or what I believe anymore. Or maybe it is not that I am not sure, but I have been ignoring it for a long time. I have stopped thinking about the future and have been living in the moment. The problem is, when you live in the moment you only experience the emotion of that moment. Your emotions are so much more shallow because you don't have hope, you don't have a plan, you don't have a foundation. The shallow emotion is attractive. It is easier. It is so much work to be emotionally aware. It hurts to constantly be self evaluating, realizing what needs to change and then actually following through and fixing things. I feel like I am loosing my ability to change. I used to view myself as someone with tenacity, self discipline, and character. Now I'm not sure. I feel like I can be blown where ever the wing takes me. 

I feel really alone. I sometimes miss Tyler. Should I be embarrassed that I still love him? It doesn't make sense because I don't think he ever really got me. I think I miss him because there is safety in knowing once upon a time I trusted someone. Although that belief was proven wrong, I think I associate that ability to be open and trusting, with Tyler. I miss parts of who I was when I was with him. I am scared to even believe I can give of myself to someone again. Again, I don't understand why. I got through rejection once before, I could probably get through it again. 

Overcoming this fear is essential. Not because I want a relationship now but because hope seems to be a package deal for me. If I can't hope in finding someone who I can love and who will love me in return, then I can't hope in marriage, families, stability, etc. Nothing really matters when you don't have hope. Se la vie; eat, drink and be merry; carpe diem. Days can be filled with adventures, laughter and intellect, but the next morning those things are gone and you have to come up with something or someone else to make the day rich. I want everyday to be rich again. 

The few moments when I choose to be honest with myself I know exactly what I want and it stings. It stings because I was so close to having it and because it now feels so far away. 

I'm going to work on hope for now. I'm going to start thinking about the future and believing that my future can be filled with good things. I'm going to risk trusting again. I'm going to believe I can try again and it will turn out better. 

Damned for a Season

This blog post isn’t inspired. It won’t flow nicely or have deep, coherent thoughts. I am forcing myself to write tonight because I haven’t gauged where I am at in writing in a while and, for some reason, I think it is important to keep documentation of where I’m at regularly.

In general, life has been a lot better. I definitely am happier than I was this summer. I am now comfortable in my job and in my community. I have made many friends, and I stay really busy working, studying and socializing. Sometimes I am so happy that I find myself laughing out loud when I am driving along. Some days I feel more myself than I have felt in years. Those moments feel great.

I think part of the reason this happiness has settled in is because I have let go of trying so hard to be my version of perfect. This pressure I placed on myself was keeping me wound so tight and was inconsistent with who I was and am able to be today. No matter what I did in a day, week or month, I could not be who I was expecting myself to be because I’m not ready to move on. I need more time.

This break from attempted perfection is good and bad. It’s great because I can breathe. I don’t spend all my free time contemplating what I did right, what I did wrong, what I should be doing, who’s disappointed in me, why this happened, and how religion plays into the complexities of my life. Instead my free time is spent studying or light/shallow socializing. It is easy; it is fun; and I think it’s good for a season. The bad thing about my disinterest in being perfect is, it is kind of more like a disinterest in improving. I am more apathetic towards life now then I have ever been. I just don’t care about a lot of stuff that was at one time very important to me and I hope becomes very important to me again in the future.

It’s a weird place to be in. I don’t know when I’ll start caring again. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to seek out perfection and be the upstanding citizen, Mormon, daughter, wife, mother, teacher, etc. that I know is who I am. It’s weird when you know you are not living up to your potential and are okay with it. I just don’t want the pressure of failure again. I don’t want to trust or hurt. I am basically making the choice to be damned for a season. I hope forgiveness works and I hope hearts do change. I don’t want to be who I am today forever, but it is comfortable today. It is good today. I am so much less a person than I was during my marriage, but I am so much happier with who I am. I am accomplishing so much less, I am impacting so few people, I waste a lot time of time but I feel good.

This post was written on 10/11/2010. I just forgot to publish it!

Living the Life that Wants to Live in Me

Being on my own definietly has its perks. I am gradually checking off the list of aspirations a year ago I never thought I would reach. It feels incredible!

#1) Graduate school at a legit university

In progress.

I have always planned on attending graduate school, but my options while living in Utah were limited and I didn't fully have the support to pursue this amibition. This summer I have been doing a lot of research, visiting campuses, reading up on programs and talking to people within the education field. Having even just a few months away from education confirmed that education is where I belong. I start a GRE prep class tomorrow and am pumped! I can't wait to be a student again. My number one pick is the Curriculum and Instruction program at George Washington University. I will apply to 5 or 6 schools so that I have options come acceptance. The opportunity to attend any graduate school is elevating.  

#2) Going to Israel

On the books.

In 6th grade I did a country report on Israel and have been waiting for a chance to go ever since. I want to experience the land where Judaism and Christianity were founded. I want to see the places I've learn about my entire life. I want to experience a culture dominated by 3 world religions. I want to stand in a holy place and contemplate spiritual matters that are often only touched on within structured times and places. Although my first trip there will only be a day or two long, I plan on getting everything I can out of this experience. This will take place in April when my mom (Best Travel Buddy EVER) and I will be taking a Mediterranean cruise that starts in Rome and stops in Greece, Turkey, Israel and Egypt. :D

#3) Living back East

Not so distant future.

I don't know why, but I've always wanted to experience it.

#4) Running a marathon

Not so distant future.

Running has become somewhat of an obsession the past year or so. It's cheap therapy and gives me time to develop and maintain some emotional intelligence. I am not running crazy distances or anything extreme (I am not extreme about anything in life) but I just really enjoy it. I think I like it so much because for most of my life I didn't view myself as athletic. I thought I was weak, fragile and uncoordinated. As things got tough for me, running became a physical representation of inner strength. It proved to me that I can do things I never thought possible. Now that my life is more or less under control, I run because it makes me happy. I love matching the rhythem of my feet with my music, soaking in the beauty of the mountains or ocean and letting my thoughts graze over whatever channels of my mind seem most fitting at the time. I love that it is completely up to me how far or how fast I run. It doesn't effect anyone else, and therefore no one can influence or control those almost sacred 45 minutes. (I should probably commit an entire entry to my fondness for running.) In anycase, I also really enjoy races. I ran two half marathons last year and am itching to take on a marathon. With the time I anticipate spending on studying for the GRE and the toll heels and retail have been taking on my feet, I won't start training until January, but I will run one by June of 2011.

#5) Driving cross country

Complete!

Already recorded here.

#6) Roadtripping down PCH

Complete!

Full record, here.

#7) Getting my nose peirced

Complete!

When I peirced my nose in July, it came as a surprise to many people. I don't know why, considering I've wanted one since I was 13. I loved the peircing and it looked great. Unfortunately I took it out last week because like my ear peircings, my body was objecting to healing up around a foriegn object (It took 4 long years for my ear peircings to be normal). The peircing has healed  up just fine and I am already itching to peirce it again being more mindful of the metal chosen and care given. I really miss it!

#8) Living in a foriegn country

Rudimentary Exploring Stages.

I'll keep you posted if I can knock this one out before graduate school. If you know of any jobs or opportunities to live and preferably teach/serve abroad, let me know!

I want to end this entry emphasizing that life is good. I was definitely unhappy and probably depressed this summer, but I've snapped out of it! My passion and ambition have returned with vengence. ;) I am excited about life again. I am making friends and laughing easily. I feel in control and unstoppable.

Hear, Hear

As already stated, this summer has been challenging. Change has ruined me, yet, when I am not in a bout of lethargy, I am overwhelmed by the ways I want change in my life. I have avoided writing because when I write, the recesses of my soul come through, and it is easier to be numb than getting chummy with the hidden monsters that manifests themselves when I am worn down or reluctantly inspired.

This extended period of numbness comes at a price. You can only do so little, for so long and still feel human. Although I do fill my days with this and that, I feel like I do so little, because so little of what I do is personally fulfilling. My life before was so fulfilling. Many people depended on me and I was able to make a difference regularly. Now, I take a look at myself at the end of the day and conclude that I didn’t improve that man’s quality of life by outfitting him for his next bar scene hook up and I’m not really improving myself by flipping through Esquire and Vogue so I can spout off the latest fashions to the few people who still have the money to care.

I made a conscious effort to be selfish for a season. Or rather, to take some time off from my traditional responsibilities so I could sufficiently tend to myself for a time.

I am learning that tending to others is the best way to tend to myself.

I need to find balance. I still have sudden urges to move to a developing nation to teach hygiene and English, but something tells me that would be running away from, not solving this inner turmoil. Now is not the time to be engulfed in overwhelming need. I need to be okay with me before I serve in a demanding environment. The impact of a newly woven rope is greater and longer lasting than one that is already frayed.

What do I need more than anything right now?

I need to feel and believe that I am useful. I need to do some good.

I have spent the summer searching for career and educational opportunities. I have postponed my GRE prep class twice and am contemplating postponing it for a third. I have run 10 miles a week, barely. I have finished 2 books. I have moseyed around with strange company. I have slept in till 9:30. I have seen 1 movie. This is what I have to show for myself...

I think I am actually less motivated to do things for myself, the more time for myself I have.

I think focusing on others will give me perspective again. It will provide me with the human emotions I long for. It will motivate me to wake up in the morning. You may be reading this and saying, “duh, Shannon”, but it is a bit of a revelation right now. In the past I always served others because I liked to do it and I thought people needed me. I never realized how much I needed service to feel okay.

So here’s to a little progress. Here’s to a small change. Here’s to attempted potential fulfillment. Here’s to selfish service with a hope that it will put a small aspect of my life back on course.

Hear, Hear.

Shannon, 6 months out

This summer has been more challenging than I ever thought to even consider. I was completely unprepared for the challenges of moving away from my career and community and starting over. For the first time in my life, I have to make a very conscious effort to keep my discontent and cynicism at bay. I am still deeply affected by my divorce. I thought because the pain of rejection had subsided, I would naturally go back to being my optimistic and sensitive self. I thought I could go back to being “pre-Tyler” Shannon. I think recognizing that that person doesn’t exist anymore is what has brought me the greatest amount of sorrow. I was such a beautiful, wholesome and loving person. I know my marriage was unfulfilling and dysfunctional most the time, but it made sense. Life rarely makes sense anymore.

I have been mind numb this summer [Sorry to everyone who I have ignored, or failed to express my love and gratitude for lately…]. I can’t think, I can’t feel, I can’t perform like I used to. My thoughts are incomplete, my feelings are shallow and I lack the motivation and confidence to take on anything great.


I want is to face every skeleton and move on. I don’t want to be affected by this anymore. I want to be myself. I want to feel like I matter again. I want to be overwhelmed by the goodness of others and the beauty of the world around me. I want my passion for human kindness and my love for learning back.


I don’t know how to get these things back. I don’t know how to heal any faster. I don’t how to fix broken trust. I want to make sure that all my wounds heal up clean. I am not going to fill my mind with distractions and crap while my wounds scab over, just to have them open back up at the first sign of distress. I think what I am going through is temporary and just part of the healing process. I hope I am doing something right…


I have withheld from posting my writings this summer, because most of them sound like this; depressing. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is part of the process. I want to remember all phases of going through a life changing challenge, so when I go through another, I will know what to expect. Maybe I’ll know how to heal faster next time. Maybe I’ll be the first person to write a book on overcoming divorce for the Latter-day Saint. (Deseret book only has books on how to make marriages last – I’ve checked). Maybe it will help me to comfort others who are going through a hard time too. Maybe there is meaning and purpose to being confused and depressed for a few months. I’ll let you know in my upcoming writings.

Tumbled

If I were to really tell you what I've been thinking about this summer, you'd be depressed. This summer has been an interesting time in my life. Surprisingly challenging. I've spent most of the summer trying to distract myself from my disappointment. For some reason I thought because I had gone through a hard thing this year, as soon as I moved away, everything would fall into place. Like I deserved "a break" from life's challenges. I don't know if life takes breaks.

I'm still recovering. I feel like I am a constant state of disorientation. The kind of disorientation you get when you're tumbled in the surf. You thought you dove deep enough, but the forces of nature have you struggling to find the surface, while simultaneously spreading salt and sand into every orphus of your body. When you're spit out onto the shore, you stagger for a few minutes. Remove the hair from your eyes, wipe the snot from your face and cough up what salt water you can.

I wonder if I am still caught in the wave, or am just recovering from the tumble.

A Reality Worth Dreaming About

Last night I went and saw a movie called "Inception" with a friend. The movie was about dreams and a subplot focused on a characters inability to decipher between what was reality and what was not. The character got so caught up in her dream world with the people she loved, she lost a grip on reality.

This idea struck a chord with me. Last night my dreams were filled with happy memories. They took me back to a time and place where I loved and was loved in return. Back to the time when I loved so deeply, that even the idea of being apart was painful. I liked that time. I liked the smiles, the familiar phrases, the spontaneous laughter, and the excitement for a future together.

Part of me wishes I didn't wake up today. I wish I could have stayed in that dream world a little longer. Another part of me wishes my subconscious would stop reminding me that I still care.

Waking up from this world is really hard. Being reminded of reality when how things were and should have been is just a dream away makes you feel like you've relived the whole experience in the split second between sleep and awake. It is an emotionally draining way to start your day.

I worry that I am starting to forget the injustices and the "fundamental differences". Forgetting the bad is leaving me with more pronounced memories of the good and I feel incredibly vulnerable.

I have a good life now. It's filled with people that love me, independence, and self-awareness. I thought this new and good life would help me to stop missing the past, but the constant and subtle ache lingers. I miss the little things. I miss Crate and Barrel glasses stacked along side the bed...

I need to stay away from this dream world. I need to remember the disregard and deception. I cannot romanticize the past and hope to move forward.

I need to wake up. Wake up when I am weak. Wake up when I wonder or wish to go back to the way things were. Wake up from the peaceful reality of my dreams so I can more diligently create a reality worth dreaming about.

Golden Day

On June 25th, 2010, I turned 25 years old. For some childish reason, I have been looking forward to this "Golden Birthday" for years. After much deliberation over what to do to make it memorable, I settled upon a PCH road trip with the one and only KHill. I was not disappointed by this decision.

Our first stop was UC Berkeley which was fairly uneventful other than being followed by a GreenPeace lesbian who informed us of the Gay Pride weekend and parade taking place in San Fran.  We cancelled our reservation at the SF hostel, booked a hotel outside of the city, and I signed up for GreenPeace.

Next we headed into the city and went to the Great Park Museum to see an Impressionist exhibit that was on loan from the Musee D'Orsey. Some of my all time favorite paintings were on display and having dabbled into oil painting lately I developed an even greater appreciation for the talent of these Frenchmen. In San Francisco we also drove around the city, down Lombard street and meet up with some friends for dinner. It was a great day.

We stayed in Santa Cruz and I woke up the next morning and explored the little beach town on my run. I have a slight obsession with sightseeing while running. It is just so exhilarating! I loved Santa Cruz. We stumbled upon a Woodie's "expo", went on the Giant Dipper roller coaster and watched what seemed like extreme surfing to me.

Our next stop was Monterrey where we went to the aquarium and had dinner. I LOVED the otters there. It was awesome because they were not only playful and fun at the aquarium but they were also easily spotted all along the coast! That night we stayed at a hostel and met people from all over the country and world. Haha, I think it was one of the best things I have ever done. From now on, I will definitely check into hostels for my US travels. You just can't beat a clean bed, timed showers and diverse company for 20 bucks a night!

The next morning we drove through Pebble Beach and Big Sur. We stopped in San Luis Obispo and watched the World Cup over a hamburger and sweet potato fries and visited the bubble gum ally (GROSS) and the mission. I really liked the feel of San Luis Obispo and am going to check out the grad program offerings there. From SLO, we continued to drive through Santa Barbara, Ventura and Malibu and ended up back in LA where we started.

Doing this trip with Kristen was perfect. She was an excellent travel companion and we had plenty to discuss and analyze for 3 days straight. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend to celebrate my 25th!

Road Trip 2010

On May 29th I took off with my roomie, Anna, for a 12 day road trip across the Northern United States. The drive was beautiful and spending that many hours in the car was amazingly theraputic. I feel like a somewhat sane person again.

So here are stats:

States visited: Utah, Wyoming, Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, West Virginia, Pennsylvania, Maryland, DC and Virginia.

Cities, sites and attractions visited in order of appearance

-Shoulder of of I-80 for a meeting with law enforcement and pit stop at Lincoln Monument, WY

-Lincoln for dinner at Chipotle, Omaha for a nights rest at our fav, Marriott, and Winter Quarters Temple, NE.

-Perfect little suburb named Wilmette to stay with some kind and accomodating friends, and Chicago which included Giardano's Pizza, Garrett's carmel popcorn, Millenium Park, Magnificent Mile, Boat Architecture tour and Vosges chocolate. I did manage to hit up and Nordstrom sale for a 2nd time in Chicago as well, IL.

-West Lafayette for a quick breakfast with some of my favorite people (those scones were delish!), and Indianapolis to meet some more friends for a Greek lunch, IN.

-Another great Marriott in West Virginia, just outside of Pittsburgh. Favorite run through tiny little mountain villages. OH, WV.

-Windy, forested roads which opened up to small towns and Amish and Mennonite Villages, and Gettysburg for a moment to remember the 20,000 dead and a legendary speech, PA.

-Washington DC to play with my BFF and see the Smithsonian art, the Arlington Cemetary, Mount Vernon, Georgetown, the White House, the Capital, Monuments and the DC temple. Had an enjoyable day with my fab uncle/tour guide. Great walks with Aubs and Champ. Had my first Afghan dinner with the Johns and overall had a wonderful time.

-Colonial Williamsburg was charming and educational, Jamestown and the beaches along the Chesapeake were completely inspiring and the monuments to Confederate generals, the Museum of the Confederacy and Jefferson Davis' White House in Richmond provided a new perspective! I also had some delish Southern BBQ of which the sweet potatoe fries with cinnamon sugar were a huge hit (surprised?)

I don't really like using my blog as a journal, but I thought this trip should be remembered. I may post some more pics and thoughts on it later. Tata for now!

Checking into the Nut House

I never knew what it felt like to be crazy until this week. This month I have been really anxious. I wrote off the feeling because logically, I didn't have anything to really worry about. My divorce was final, all ties with my ex had been broken, and I was moving on. This anxiety got out of control this week. It was the weirdest thing. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, I couldn't focus on a conversation, I couldn't focus on a single thought, I couldn't read, I couldn't pray...I was essentially useless! My mind would not stopped running, but it wouldn't choose a direction to run in. I tried to control my thoughts. I tried to have just one thought, or no thoughts at all. I ran, I did yoga, I listened to music, I hiked, I talked, I pondered and got nowhere. I was ready to call my therapist, get some anti-anxiety meds and check myself into a Nut House just so I could have a peace of mind long enough to eat and sleep.

After pulling through such an unpleasant strain of emotion, I am filled with gratitude for the comfort and direction the teachings of gospel provide. Amidst my hysterics a priesthood blessing was suggested by a wise and loving friend. That blessing was given, along with advice and a serious pep talk that I was deeply in need of hearing.

A few things I would like to remember are: My Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of what I am going through. Even when I feel like I have not been a good enough person to receive any of that love, it is still there. I need to trust that I can feel that love even during weeks when my scripture reading and prayers are overrun by loud and self denigrating analyses. I need to remember that I am doing okay, maybe even awesome. I've had a heavy burden to carry for a 24 year old, and I haven't really done anything to deserve it. I've been strong. I haven't given up on my faith, my covenants or my hope for a better future. I haven't even taken a sick day at work for heaven's sake! I need to stop being so hard on myself. I am not behind. I'm not unlovable because I am not exactly who I want to be yet. I need to relax. I need to trust that the Lord does have a plan for me and it will lead to good places.

My focus the next few months is going to be to relax. I don't need to conquer the world and have my life perfectly mapped out by August. I can just bum around. I'm going to stop surviving and to start living. I am tired of feeling like the real me comes out through a filter dirtied by life's disappointments. I know who I am, I just need to start living like that person.

Time to Unwind

I have been wound pretty tight for the last 2 years of my life.

Tight enough to hold things together. 

Tight enough to survive. 

I am ready for this chapter to end. 

I've held it together. 

I've survived. 

I'm proud. 

It's time to unwind

Time to live

Time to be playful

Time to stop planning 

Time to stop worrying

Time to read a book

Time to build confidence

Time to laugh

Time to love

Time to trust

Sleep Living

Lately I have felt like I am sleeping through life. Not stage 4, NREM sleep, but that sleep right before you wake up. The sleep where you have some control over your dreams, but everything is fuzzy, vague, pale. I think I am seeing my world through sleepy eyes because this stage of my life is coming to an end. I am so conflicted about this change. I don't really want to see the bright colors. I don't want to revel in the great friendships. I don't want to love the life I'm leaving.

Confession.
I am anxious about this change.
 

It doesn't make any sense to me either. Finally, I can go home, be close to family. No strings attached. Isn't this what I have been waiting for? I am getting away from a life that was not entirely satisfying. Why am I dragging my feet?

The truth is I do love so much of the life I am leaving. I love that I can drive 10 minutes and hike up to an obscure waterfall. I love that I know exactly where to turn around on the Provo River Trail for the perfect workout. I love that I can leave my door unlocked. I love the blossoms of spring, the warm nights of summer and the yellow aspens of fall.

Other than familiarity, leaving these things should not be heart breaking. I can find new places to hike and run. My door is never locked behind the gates of Coto de Caza. I know my affinity for the ocean can replace my affinity for Utah’s seasons.

Sleep Living

I am sleep living because I love the people that will spontaneously take that hike with me. I cherish the conversations that naturally unfold along that river trail. I love the friendly strangers, neighbors, ward members and checkout clerks. I love the social buzz of spring, the carefree summer nights with friends you just met, and the bundled camaraderie of fall football games.

I am sleep living because I don’t want my roots to get any deeper.

Is my sleep living fear driven? Should I wake up for my last eleven days in Utah? Will the anticipation of separation be quieted due to this lackadaisical perspective?

Those Who Matter

I'd like to remember advice a great friend has given me more than once. Sometimes I worry about what people think of me or will think of me because of x, y, and z. Whenever these concerns creep up into our conversations, which as of late have been heavily concentrated on my adjusting to a new life, this friend offers these words of advice:

Those who care won't matter

Those who matter won't care

The great thing about this friend is he doesn't just say these words, but he lives by them. I am grateful for good, wise friends that help keep me on track.

:)

Refusing to See What Was There All Along

Recently, I spent some time with my ex-husband.

It actually went okay. I was good. I didn't subconsciously call him "babe" or have dreams of him re-rejecting me in the nights to follow.

Although, I am still not able to see him for who he is and maybe I never will. How can you look at someone who has hurt you deeply and really accept that they are an all around good person? Why would that person be good to everyone but you? I don't know what I want to take from all of this. Part of me wants to hold on to the resentment and distrust I feel for him. It feels justified and safe. Another part of me would like to have some store of wisdom that can speak louder than my emotions and remind me that he wasn't trying to hurt me personally. He was mixed up and I happened to be in the way.

There is some proof that could add validation to the latter desire. Ty offered me more compliments during this 1 hour together than I believe he did during our last year of marriage. I found this interesting because everything he complimented was not new. I am the same person I was 6 months ago when he couldn't even sleep in the same room as me. He seemed to see me through new eyes.

During my marriage it was often a struggle to have high self esteem at home. I was really confident in my workplace and my social network, but rarely was I as confident in my marital relationship. I often felt unspoken pressure to be thinner, faster, smarter, cleaner, etc. When the divorce came, such insecurities of course were thought of as possible reasons for rejection. I just wasn't good enough. All those thoughts were wrong. The only reason I wasn't good enough, is because Tyler refused to see me for who I really was. He didn't want to get to know me. He didn't want to encourage or support me. And he didn't want to accept my encouragement or support either. I'm not sure why he felt this way. I don't know if he knows why he just couldn't be my friend.

I don't think this behavior is an isolated offense. Many times because of our own insecurities or prejudices we refuse to see people for who they really are. We are fearful that if we let them in, they may be disappointed, they may hurt us. So we keep a nice, casual distance. If they try to become part of our lives, we see what we want to see. We compete, stereotype, and nit pick to create a justification for our unwillingness to let them in. We choose our own reality based on whether or not we think it is worth giving up pieces of ourselves in exchange for a meaningful and fulfilling relationship.

I know I have been guilty of this behavior. I push people away because I am afraid they will hurt or reject me. I push people away because of some preconceived opinion of them. I push people away because I think I am not good enough for them. I even go through cycles of doing this when it comes to my faith in Christ. Keep things casual because of a fear of believing. Intellectualize and justify so you won't have to live up to a meaningful relationship with divinity. It sounds so foolish when plainly typed out, but this fear is a cause for lost faith, broken families and loneliness.

I'd like to overcome this mind game or unconscious quest for unwanted solidarity.Christ and the apostles are the prime example of people who have overcome this fear. They see people for who they really are. They may not accept all parts of a persons behavior, but they do accept the person. They are willing to let that person into their heart. They are interested in getting to know them, asking them questions, and offering love and encouragement. Christ doesn't push someone away because he is afraid of rejection or because he doesn't think they are good enough for him. Christ will even continue to offer that love and support when he is rejected. Why can't I?

I think this ability to see people for who they really are takes root in charity and a recognition of self worth. When we get outside of ourselves we have time to actually get to know one another. When we fill our minds with the goodness of another, the thoughts of not being good enough are dispelled.When we recognize our self worth, we don't feel as burned when someone else rejects our best of intentions.

I am filled with a resolute to try harder. I don't want fears to run my life. I don't want to push away from potentially fulfilling relationships. I don't want to be guilty of causing the same pain I have felt due to a refusal to see the good in another.

My Dilemma with Cleaning the Kitchen

I have a few quirks.

One of which is my necessity to cook in a clean kitchen.

Another is my unwillingness to mess up a freshly cleaned kitchen.

Tonight I may just go hungry.

Patience and Selfishness

I am writing because today I learned something. I could recount all the highs and lows and reasons for my troubles that brought me to this learning moment, but that doesn't really matter right now. I guess I just want to remember these wise words that spoke to me. They are on Patience.

Patience—the ability to put our desires on hold for a time—is a precious and rare virtue. We want what we want, and we want it now. Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter.

Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect. Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace.

From that experience, I learned that patience was far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience required actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn’t appear instantly or without effort.

There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!

Impatience, on the other hand, is a symptom of selfishness. It is a trait of the self-absorbed. It arises from the all-too-prevalent condition called “center of the universe” syndrome, which leads people to believe that the world revolves around them and that all others are just supporting cast in the grand theater of mortality in which only they have the starring role. 

Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith.

In your patience you win mastery of your souls.

These words spoken by President Uchtdorf really struck me as I read them. I have been really inpatient with myself lately. I have been selfish; focusing on everything I want and don't have. I have even had unrealistic expectations of someone else making me happy or another situation bringing me fulfillment. It's a foolish way to think and clearly explains why I was becoming so apathetic towards the world. Nothing was able to give me the happiness I was seeking. 


I didn't realize that the reason for these feelings was because of my impatience. I really want to stop being affected by my current situation. I want to move forward, but rather than being patient with myself and where I am at, I have been consumed with simply distracting myself. Filling my time with meaningless activities and planning future events thinking it'll all be better when...


I like the promises President Uchtdorf suggests that come from patience: refining understanding, deepening happiness, winning mastery of your souls (which was actually Uchtdorf paraphrasing Christ).


I need to stop waiting and start being actively patient. I need to stop thinking I'll just get over this and move on. I need to work and hope and endure. I need to get rid of fear and discouragement. 


I believe if I can improve my ability to be patient, I will eventually get to where I want and unreasonably expect myself to be. I need to read these words often to remember that it is patience that can give me hope in the future and fulfillment in the present. I wish wisdom and patience spoken of here would just be allotted to me - a consolation prize for trying, but I guess I'll have to go through this learning experiences just like everyone else!

My Rant on American Education

Some days I feel like I am a waste of work space. Like today! I have SOOO much to get done, and so little desire to do any of it. I seriously don't know how I am going to get through teaching the next and last 31 days of school. I am completely disinterested in my job. This is bad. I should be fired. I am supposed to care deeply about the intellectual and moral growth of my students to the point that I don't mind spending hoards of my money and nights alone grading and planning to get them exactly that. I used to be that teacher. I have hit my breaking point. Right now I just want out.


This is the problem with public education. The repercussions for poor performance essentially do not exist. It is almost impossible to monitor and fire a teacher within the current school system. This is a double edged sword: yes, it is great knowing that I have a level of job security and won't loose my job over one unhappy parent but it also means that I can get away with doing the bare minimum and not really worry about being asked to pack my things and leave unless I step it up. The consequence and reward system is so weak in public education and for me, this makes it difficult to have a lot of pride in my job and an ambition to constantly improve. The "Teacher of the Month" parking space just doesn't do it for me.

On days like this I feel bad. I feel dishonest. I feel like I shouldn't be burnt out. I should keep my passion for molding young minds at the forefront of my thoughts every day. But it's just not there. I have distanced myself from my students drastically this year. They can't know I'm divorced. I know I'm leaving and will probably never see them again come May, so as a preemptive protection measure, I have kind of stopped caring. Not to mention - teaching some of these kids is like pulling teeth. I just want them to be adults. I just want to say - fine, if you want to flunk 9th grade history, be my guest. I am sick of babying them. I am sick of the uncomfortably common mentality that says, "Give my kid an "A" with as little effort and work on their part as possible. Didn't you hear they are involved in about 10,000 extracurricular activities?" If I actually had the time (70 minute classes are just not enough), and the support from the school and parents, I could challenge these kids. I could prepare them for college. I would love to challenge these kids. Although, with the current school system and my upturned life it is almost impossible. I need more time. I need support. I need text books! I need unlimited copies! I need computers! This school is not a college prep. It is just getting the kids by - pushing them through the system. These poor kids.

In my opinion the entire US educational system needs to be revamped. It does not matter how much money the government pores into curriculum, testing, literacy, sports, or arts programs, the problem with American education is the teachers! Who wants to work the long hours of a teacher for little respect and small pay? Who wants to fear pink slips, increasing class sizes, or governmental IOUs? All these things combined to create a mob of teachers that have become experts at just pushing kids through the system, because that is all the system can support!

Most good teachers are either burnt out after 3 years, or are ready to move on to something that will at least give a growing level of self respect. Sure you can say, "I am a great teacher because I love the kids! I know I can make a difference!" But that only goes so far for many people. Usually you get into the school system and end up getting all caught up in the bureaucracy of the beast and then find your great ideas of opening up these kids minds, are shot down by overtly conservative or liberal parents. Or you come to find that no one gives a darn if the kids are prepared for college, as long as the football team is winning games. Many of the teachers that remain, are the ones that take the easy way out. They show movies, teach the same curriculum they created 20 years ago, and format lessons and assignments based on their desire to spend as little time grading as possible.

How can the country create better teachers? I guess that is the age long question. A question that has a thousand solutions that unfortunately all come back to money. There are many things that can improve the moral of teachers and impact of teachers but not within the huge socialize system we have now. Maybe it would be great if public education could be handed over in some part to smaller private corporations? Bring in consultants and financial analyst to judge how to run the school more efficiently. Bring in the leaders trained to improve performance and output....haha essentially take the heart out of education!

Oh hell - I am starting to sound like I spent time in the Tanner building. What is happening to me?

Remember - this is just a rant! It does not set in stone my views or define who I am. It's just a bad day!

A Conversation with God

Heavenly Father--I've been through a lot lately. Challenges I never expected have come my way. I have been tried. I have been hurt. But I also have been strengthened and delivered. Tonight I want to say thank you. I never want to forget the intimate and loving role you played in getting me through this time in me life.

Thank you for the night you comforted me admists hysterics.
Thank you for the morning car ride conversations that gave me the strength to dry my eyes for the school day.
Thank you for the confirmation that you knew I was doing the best I could.
Thank you for letting me know that I am not a failure.
Thank you for the for giving me the assurity that I have done the right thing.
Thank you for the courage to walk away.
Thank you for an understanding and loving family.
Thank you for giving me the strength to face and overcome the demons of fear and self despair.
Thank you for hope in a better future.
Thank you for the promise of eternal families.
Thank you for patience in healing.
Thank you for a greater understanding of my divine relationship to thee.
Thank you for love in all its forms and possibilities.

I feel like the words I write will never put justice to the love and debt I feel toward thee. Please help me to always remember these blessings. Provide me with opportunities to increase my faith. Bless me with opportunities to comfort others. I now know how it feels to truly ache from deep within the recesses of your heart. Bless those that ache. Give them the faith and endurance I have been shown. Let them know that the moment will pass. Give them courage to hold on to their trust and faith in thee. Help them to know that it is worth it.

I have learned over the past few months that I am lot tougher than I ever thought I could be. Bless me to remember that I am tough. Bless me to maintain confidence in my ability to overcome life's challenges.

Heavenly Father - I am happy. I know the power the truth has to repair broken hearts. I am filled with a love for life and a hope for the future.

Hating on Divorce

Things are always more complicated than you think they will be. Today I learned that my hope and desire to keep up a relationship with Tyler's family members was foolish. I know they love me. I know their loyalties must be to Tyler. It just hurts. You never hear people say, "Divorce the man and you divorce the family," but in my case, I think that is the harsh reality. I understand and accept this, but I am still really hurt. I know they are in a hard position. I know we all are. What is the protocol for this kind of crap? Divorce is awful. It ruins so many good things. There are so many unnecessary casualties. There are so many uncomfortable situations and long term effects. I HATE divorce. I hate that marriages can be broken and families torn apart. I hate the selfishness, cruel words, anger and tears that divorce brings. I hate that the most important and beautiful thing this life has to offer, can be so incredibly desecrated. I am ill with how repulsive and wrong the entire idea of divorce even is. I am disgusted that people take marriage and commitments so lightly. I am furious that families and friends turn on each other.

I know that my divorce was necessary, but I hate that such an awful institution had to touch me.

Next time it's for keeps. I will be so diligent, so careful, so prayerful. I will do everything in my power, every day of my life, to avoid the hell of divorce. It is so rotton.

Crash and Burn

The high hit a bump. Today at a faculty meeting one of the administrators casually announced to everyone that I will not be coming back to teach next year. An announcement I was not ready to have made.

I have been working really hard for the last 6 months to keep on a game face. To not let a single thing slip that would result in being asked personal questions. That ended today.

The hardest part is, I have already been asked if I am pregnant or starting my family. Ouch. Saying no to that question and being so far from that even being a possibility right now hurts. A new and empty pain fills my heart.

I would be a liar if I didn't say the thoughts and plans of being a mother filled my mind almost everyday for the 3 years I was married. I would be liar if I didn't say loosing that hope is equally as bad as loosing a husband.

Teaching was never and will never be my end all. Motherhood is. I don't even really like kids, but I am already obsessed with my own. I was planning on starting a family this summer. I had everything planned out. My 25th birthday was supposed to represent something. Years 25-35 were already put away in my mind as the time to have children.

Another test of patience. Another plan changed. This is an emptiness that won't go away until it is filled. I have to suck it up. My students and many teachers don't know I am divorced and I don't want them to know. I have to face their questions and smile and laugh when I say, "Nope! Still not ready for children."

An Exuberance for Life

Despite the challenges and pain I have felt over the past 6 months, today I can honestly say that I am a happier person. I am having thoughts and feelings that I have not had for years. Once again I believe that I can do anything. I can look at myself straight in the mirror without fear or disappointment. I am finally able to reach for my potential. I am no longer cutting myself short or justifying why I have settled into a life that just isn't me. Today I don't have anything bringing me down. My fear has disippated. I am passionate and full of life again. I am not ashamed of singing my favorite song at the top of my lungs or fiercly defending my personal views. I am done tip toeing. I am done putting on a smile and believing everything is okay when it is not. I am done loosing myself to keep the people around me happy. I am filling my life with meaning again. I am being completely genuine. I will never loose myself again to the judgements of another. I will never seek so hard to impress someone who can't be pleased. I will never go back. I will search for the gems in life. The experiences that make you whole. The friendships that come naturally, never fad and always leave you wanting more. I will search for the people whose passion and love of life is like mine. The ones that build you up, and leave you feeling confident and content. The potential I have to do good is endless. I will change lives. I will be remembered. I will show the world my exuberance for life once again.

The Allegory of Gray

There once was a color. A dull shade of gray. Gray was surrounded by complimentary colors. Intriguing colors full of movement and noise. These colors made Gray look beautiful and appealing. These colors became the depth Gray relied on to be seen.

On day, all those colors left Gray. Gray was a lone color on a white canvas. All Gray could see was gray.

For a time Gray was flat, motionless, unassuming and unexpecting of any attention due to the dullness of her hue. After being surrounded by so many bright colors, all Gray could focus on was the singleness of gray.

Days went by and Gray got tired of focusing on being alone and gray. Gray filled her time with meaningless things to stop thinking about the colors that left her behind.

Gray came to a point where she could not remember the hues of those colors that once surrounded her. Gray looked around the world to find those once complimenting colors. Gray searched long and hard to no avail. Gray could not find the fancy, bright colors she thought once gave her a sense of being and depth.

In a moment of clarity, Gray thought, "Maybe there is more to Gray than gray."

Gray looked deep within her hue and at first just saw that same modest gray.

But Gray kept looking. Gray dismissed the thoughts that spoke of dullness, rejection and reticence.

Gray began to see colors. She saw blues, greens, reds and violets of all different shades peeking out through the gray. The colors were beautiful and worked together the create a something deep and meaningful.

As Gray searched and studied, she remembered the colors hidden in the gray. They were not the ostentacious colors that had once surrounded her. They were the colors she was searching for. They were the colors of her childhood. They were the colors that came from within to make Gray, gray.

Gray found wisdom and peace when she saw the depth and beauty of her own hue.

Today Gray fills the canvas with the diversity of her own color and is content being just Gray.

I Want Walden

I really enjoy blogging because it helps me organize an assortment of thoughts and feelings. Everything I write is for me, and a blog post carries a level of validation that I don't feel I can reach from a journal entry. . I am not looking for answers, sympathy, encouragement or anything from people who read my blog. Sometimes I just like putting things out there. It feels healthy and genuine to risk publishing something personal for public scrutiny, rather than keeping those important thoughts deeply entranched between pages of sloppy cursive, which I may or may not ever read again. With that said, there are a few things I have been going through lately that I just need to get down on paper.

I think my biggest realization lately is that I lack confidence in who I am and the potential of what I can become. It has been interesting experiencing these feelings because I used to be very different. I remember truly believing that I could do anything or be anyone I wanted to be. I felt important, unconquerable and needed. That belief for some reason has disappeared. Often times I think, I'm 24 and I have accomplished so little. I feel like I am behind or that I am failure. I give little credit to what I have accomplished, because there is no end result and I am leaving it all behind. (This must be what some people feel at retirement...What does it all amount to? Did I really make a difference? Am I a better person? Will this open doors for my future?). I have constant feelings of medicracy and I expect way more from myself. I know this is the point where you want to say, "You're not mediocre. Look at all you have done...etc," and I appreciate the support. Although right now the belief in my self worth needs to come from within.

I feel like I need to go down a new path of self discovery. I need to learn to trust myself again. I need to distinguish between what is truly me and what is me doing things to keep other people happy. I feel like I need to choose new, unexpected and challenging experience to put me to the test.

I need to go on a personal pilgrimage. I need to get rid of everything that ties me down (bills, career, family, friend and church expectations) and have an alone period of self discovery. I need to have the courage to do some self exploration. I need to be impractical for a little while to live and to love it.

I am tired of doing everything for everyone else. I am tired of wearing my game face. I am tired of half heartedly hoping that someone or something else will fix me. I have put so much emphasize on being okay and holding to my commitments, that I haven't given myself unrestricted time to really heal. I want to go somewhere and do something that will really test me. Something that will force me to look myself straight in the eye. I want to like what I see. I want to wear a bright orange robe. I want to live alone in the wilderness. I want Walden.

I don't want to be pragmatic anymore. I worry that if I just continue to move forward doing what I should be doing, I will loose myself.

I think if I take this path of self discovery, I will like what I find. I think I will be able to come out confident and secure. I think I will be able to then move on with the passion and commitment for future plans that I once had.