I never knew what it felt like to be crazy until this week. This month I have been really anxious. I wrote off the feeling because logically, I didn't have anything to really worry about. My divorce was final, all ties with my ex had been broken, and I was moving on. This anxiety got out of control this week. It was the weirdest thing. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, I couldn't focus on a conversation, I couldn't focus on a single thought, I couldn't read, I couldn't pray...I was essentially useless! My mind would not stopped running, but it wouldn't choose a direction to run in. I tried to control my thoughts. I tried to have just one thought, or no thoughts at all. I ran, I did yoga, I listened to music, I hiked, I talked, I pondered and got nowhere. I was ready to call my therapist, get some anti-anxiety meds and check myself into a Nut House just so I could have a peace of mind long enough to eat and sleep.
After pulling through such an unpleasant strain of emotion, I am filled with gratitude for the comfort and direction the teachings of gospel provide. Amidst my hysterics a priesthood blessing was suggested by a wise and loving friend. That blessing was given, along with advice and a serious pep talk that I was deeply in need of hearing.
A few things I would like to remember are: My Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of what I am going through. Even when I feel like I have not been a good enough person to receive any of that love, it is still there. I need to trust that I can feel that love even during weeks when my scripture reading and prayers are overrun by loud and self denigrating analyses. I need to remember that I am doing okay, maybe even awesome. I've had a heavy burden to carry for a 24 year old, and I haven't really done anything to deserve it. I've been strong. I haven't given up on my faith, my covenants or my hope for a better future. I haven't even taken a sick day at work for heaven's sake! I need to stop being so hard on myself. I am not behind. I'm not unlovable because I am not exactly who I want to be yet. I need to relax. I need to trust that the Lord does have a plan for me and it will lead to good places.
My focus the next few months is going to be to relax. I don't need to conquer the world and have my life perfectly mapped out by August. I can just bum around. I'm going to stop surviving and to start living. I am tired of feeling like the real me comes out through a filter dirtied by life's disappointments. I know who I am, I just need to start living like that person.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Time to Unwind
I have been wound pretty tight for the last 2 years of my life.
Tight enough to hold things together.
Tight enough to survive.
I am ready for this chapter to end.
I've held it together.
I've survived.
I'm proud.
It's time to unwind
Time to live
Time to be playful
Time to stop planning
Time to stop worrying
Time to read a book
Time to build confidence
Time to laugh
Time to love
Time to trust
Monday, May 17, 2010
Sleep Living
Confession.
I am anxious about this change.
It doesn't make any sense to me either. Finally, I can go home, be close to family. No strings attached. Isn't this what I have been waiting for? I am getting away from a life that was not entirely satisfying. Why am I dragging my feet?The truth is I do love so much of the life I am leaving. I love that I can drive 10 minutes and hike up to an obscure waterfall. I love that I know exactly where to turn around on the Provo River Trail for the perfect workout. I love that I can leave my door unlocked. I love the blossoms of spring, the warm nights of summer and the yellow aspens of fall.
Other than familiarity, leaving these things should not be heart breaking. I can find new places to hike and run. My door is never locked behind the gates of Coto de Caza. I know my affinity for the ocean can replace my affinity for Utah’s seasons.
Sleep Living I am sleep living because I love the people that will spontaneously take that hike with me. I cherish the conversations that naturally unfold along that river trail. I love the friendly strangers, neighbors, ward members and checkout clerks. I love the social buzz of spring, the carefree summer nights with friends you just met, and the bundled camaraderie of fall football games.
I am sleep living because I don’t want my roots to get any deeper.
Is my sleep living fear driven? Should I wake up for my last eleven days in Utah? Will the anticipation of separation be quieted due to this lackadaisical perspective?
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Those Who Matter
I'd like to remember advice a great friend has given me more than once. Sometimes I worry about what people think of me or will think of me because of x, y, and z. Whenever these concerns creep up into our conversations, which as of late have been heavily concentrated on my adjusting to a new life, this friend offers these words of advice:
Those who care won't matter
Those who matter won't care
The great thing about this friend is he doesn't just say these words, but he lives by them. I am grateful for good, wise friends that help keep me on track.
:)
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Refusing to See What Was There All Along
Recently, I spent some time with my ex-husband.
It actually went okay. I was good. I didn't subconsciously call him "babe" or have dreams of him re-rejecting me in the nights to follow.
Although, I am still not able to see him for who he is and maybe I never will. How can you look at someone who has hurt you deeply and really accept that they are an all around good person? Why would that person be good to everyone but you? I don't know what I want to take from all of this. Part of me wants to hold on to the resentment and distrust I feel for him. It feels justified and safe. Another part of me would like to have some store of wisdom that can speak louder than my emotions and remind me that he wasn't trying to hurt me personally. He was mixed up and I happened to be in the way.
There is some proof that could add validation to the latter desire. Ty offered me more compliments during this 1 hour together than I believe he did during our last year of marriage. I found this interesting because everything he complimented was not new. I am the same person I was 6 months ago when he couldn't even sleep in the same room as me. He seemed to see me through new eyes.
During my marriage it was often a struggle to have high self esteem at home. I was really confident in my workplace and my social network, but rarely was I as confident in my marital relationship. I often felt unspoken pressure to be thinner, faster, smarter, cleaner, etc. When the divorce came, such insecurities of course were thought of as possible reasons for rejection. I just wasn't good enough. All those thoughts were wrong. The only reason I wasn't good enough, is because Tyler refused to see me for who I really was. He didn't want to get to know me. He didn't want to encourage or support me. And he didn't want to accept my encouragement or support either. I'm not sure why he felt this way. I don't know if he knows why he just couldn't be my friend.
I don't think this behavior is an isolated offense. Many times because of our own insecurities or prejudices we refuse to see people for who they really are. We are fearful that if we let them in, they may be disappointed, they may hurt us. So we keep a nice, casual distance. If they try to become part of our lives, we see what we want to see. We compete, stereotype, and nit pick to create a justification for our unwillingness to let them in. We choose our own reality based on whether or not we think it is worth giving up pieces of ourselves in exchange for a meaningful and fulfilling relationship.
I know I have been guilty of this behavior. I push people away because I am afraid they will hurt or reject me. I push people away because of some preconceived opinion of them. I push people away because I think I am not good enough for them. I even go through cycles of doing this when it comes to my faith in Christ. Keep things casual because of a fear of believing. Intellectualize and justify so you won't have to live up to a meaningful relationship with divinity. It sounds so foolish when plainly typed out, but this fear is a cause for lost faith, broken families and loneliness.
I'd like to overcome this mind game or unconscious quest for unwanted solidarity.Christ and the apostles are the prime example of people who have overcome this fear. They see people for who they really are. They may not accept all parts of a persons behavior, but they do accept the person. They are willing to let that person into their heart. They are interested in getting to know them, asking them questions, and offering love and encouragement. Christ doesn't push someone away because he is afraid of rejection or because he doesn't think they are good enough for him. Christ will even continue to offer that love and support when he is rejected. Why can't I?
I think this ability to see people for who they really are takes root in charity and a recognition of self worth. When we get outside of ourselves we have time to actually get to know one another. When we fill our minds with the goodness of another, the thoughts of not being good enough are dispelled.When we recognize our self worth, we don't feel as burned when someone else rejects our best of intentions.
I am filled with a resolute to try harder. I don't want fears to run my life. I don't want to push away from potentially fulfilling relationships. I don't want to be guilty of causing the same pain I have felt due to a refusal to see the good in another.
It actually went okay. I was good. I didn't subconsciously call him "babe" or have dreams of him re-rejecting me in the nights to follow.
Although, I am still not able to see him for who he is and maybe I never will. How can you look at someone who has hurt you deeply and really accept that they are an all around good person? Why would that person be good to everyone but you? I don't know what I want to take from all of this. Part of me wants to hold on to the resentment and distrust I feel for him. It feels justified and safe. Another part of me would like to have some store of wisdom that can speak louder than my emotions and remind me that he wasn't trying to hurt me personally. He was mixed up and I happened to be in the way.
There is some proof that could add validation to the latter desire. Ty offered me more compliments during this 1 hour together than I believe he did during our last year of marriage. I found this interesting because everything he complimented was not new. I am the same person I was 6 months ago when he couldn't even sleep in the same room as me. He seemed to see me through new eyes.
During my marriage it was often a struggle to have high self esteem at home. I was really confident in my workplace and my social network, but rarely was I as confident in my marital relationship. I often felt unspoken pressure to be thinner, faster, smarter, cleaner, etc. When the divorce came, such insecurities of course were thought of as possible reasons for rejection. I just wasn't good enough. All those thoughts were wrong. The only reason I wasn't good enough, is because Tyler refused to see me for who I really was. He didn't want to get to know me. He didn't want to encourage or support me. And he didn't want to accept my encouragement or support either. I'm not sure why he felt this way. I don't know if he knows why he just couldn't be my friend.
I don't think this behavior is an isolated offense. Many times because of our own insecurities or prejudices we refuse to see people for who they really are. We are fearful that if we let them in, they may be disappointed, they may hurt us. So we keep a nice, casual distance. If they try to become part of our lives, we see what we want to see. We compete, stereotype, and nit pick to create a justification for our unwillingness to let them in. We choose our own reality based on whether or not we think it is worth giving up pieces of ourselves in exchange for a meaningful and fulfilling relationship.
I know I have been guilty of this behavior. I push people away because I am afraid they will hurt or reject me. I push people away because of some preconceived opinion of them. I push people away because I think I am not good enough for them. I even go through cycles of doing this when it comes to my faith in Christ. Keep things casual because of a fear of believing. Intellectualize and justify so you won't have to live up to a meaningful relationship with divinity. It sounds so foolish when plainly typed out, but this fear is a cause for lost faith, broken families and loneliness.
I'd like to overcome this mind game or unconscious quest for unwanted solidarity.Christ and the apostles are the prime example of people who have overcome this fear. They see people for who they really are. They may not accept all parts of a persons behavior, but they do accept the person. They are willing to let that person into their heart. They are interested in getting to know them, asking them questions, and offering love and encouragement. Christ doesn't push someone away because he is afraid of rejection or because he doesn't think they are good enough for him. Christ will even continue to offer that love and support when he is rejected. Why can't I?
I think this ability to see people for who they really are takes root in charity and a recognition of self worth. When we get outside of ourselves we have time to actually get to know one another. When we fill our minds with the goodness of another, the thoughts of not being good enough are dispelled.When we recognize our self worth, we don't feel as burned when someone else rejects our best of intentions.
I am filled with a resolute to try harder. I don't want fears to run my life. I don't want to push away from potentially fulfilling relationships. I don't want to be guilty of causing the same pain I have felt due to a refusal to see the good in another.
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