The Allegory of Gray

There once was a color. A dull shade of gray. Gray was surrounded by complimentary colors. Intriguing colors full of movement and noise. These colors made Gray look beautiful and appealing. These colors became the depth Gray relied on to be seen.

On day, all those colors left Gray. Gray was a lone color on a white canvas. All Gray could see was gray.

For a time Gray was flat, motionless, unassuming and unexpecting of any attention due to the dullness of her hue. After being surrounded by so many bright colors, all Gray could focus on was the singleness of gray.

Days went by and Gray got tired of focusing on being alone and gray. Gray filled her time with meaningless things to stop thinking about the colors that left her behind.

Gray came to a point where she could not remember the hues of those colors that once surrounded her. Gray looked around the world to find those once complimenting colors. Gray searched long and hard to no avail. Gray could not find the fancy, bright colors she thought once gave her a sense of being and depth.

In a moment of clarity, Gray thought, "Maybe there is more to Gray than gray."

Gray looked deep within her hue and at first just saw that same modest gray.

But Gray kept looking. Gray dismissed the thoughts that spoke of dullness, rejection and reticence.

Gray began to see colors. She saw blues, greens, reds and violets of all different shades peeking out through the gray. The colors were beautiful and worked together the create a something deep and meaningful.

As Gray searched and studied, she remembered the colors hidden in the gray. They were not the ostentacious colors that had once surrounded her. They were the colors she was searching for. They were the colors of her childhood. They were the colors that came from within to make Gray, gray.

Gray found wisdom and peace when she saw the depth and beauty of her own hue.

Today Gray fills the canvas with the diversity of her own color and is content being just Gray.

I Want Walden

I really enjoy blogging because it helps me organize an assortment of thoughts and feelings. Everything I write is for me, and a blog post carries a level of validation that I don't feel I can reach from a journal entry. . I am not looking for answers, sympathy, encouragement or anything from people who read my blog. Sometimes I just like putting things out there. It feels healthy and genuine to risk publishing something personal for public scrutiny, rather than keeping those important thoughts deeply entranched between pages of sloppy cursive, which I may or may not ever read again. With that said, there are a few things I have been going through lately that I just need to get down on paper.

I think my biggest realization lately is that I lack confidence in who I am and the potential of what I can become. It has been interesting experiencing these feelings because I used to be very different. I remember truly believing that I could do anything or be anyone I wanted to be. I felt important, unconquerable and needed. That belief for some reason has disappeared. Often times I think, I'm 24 and I have accomplished so little. I feel like I am behind or that I am failure. I give little credit to what I have accomplished, because there is no end result and I am leaving it all behind. (This must be what some people feel at retirement...What does it all amount to? Did I really make a difference? Am I a better person? Will this open doors for my future?). I have constant feelings of medicracy and I expect way more from myself. I know this is the point where you want to say, "You're not mediocre. Look at all you have done...etc," and I appreciate the support. Although right now the belief in my self worth needs to come from within.

I feel like I need to go down a new path of self discovery. I need to learn to trust myself again. I need to distinguish between what is truly me and what is me doing things to keep other people happy. I feel like I need to choose new, unexpected and challenging experience to put me to the test.

I need to go on a personal pilgrimage. I need to get rid of everything that ties me down (bills, career, family, friend and church expectations) and have an alone period of self discovery. I need to have the courage to do some self exploration. I need to be impractical for a little while to live and to love it.

I am tired of doing everything for everyone else. I am tired of wearing my game face. I am tired of half heartedly hoping that someone or something else will fix me. I have put so much emphasize on being okay and holding to my commitments, that I haven't given myself unrestricted time to really heal. I want to go somewhere and do something that will really test me. Something that will force me to look myself straight in the eye. I want to like what I see. I want to wear a bright orange robe. I want to live alone in the wilderness. I want Walden.

I don't want to be pragmatic anymore. I worry that if I just continue to move forward doing what I should be doing, I will loose myself.

I think if I take this path of self discovery, I will like what I find. I think I will be able to come out confident and secure. I think I will be able to then move on with the passion and commitment for future plans that I once had.

Jaded

I don’t like who I am right now. I don’t like being broken. I want to be confident. I want to feel like my life has a purpose again. I want to know exactly who I am and have faith in my worth. I want my passion for something and everything to override my pain and desire for a different future.
I know I need to turn to my Heavenly Father. I need to rely on his sweet assurance that all the thoughts that my life the past few months has led me to are not true. I need to trust that I can be healed, but more importantly I need to desire to be healed.

I think a large part of me doesn’t want to be healed. I want to be sad and hurt and jaded for a while longer. I am afraid if I give up these feelings that I will then be placing myself at risk of it happening all over again. I need to trust myself maybe above everything. I need to trust that I won’t just give all my love away to someone who won't value it. I need to trust that my situation is isolated. I just got a bad apple. I understand why people become jaded and cynical now. It is fear that drives them. Fear to put themselves out there again. Fear that they might have the same outcome as the first time.
I am choosing to be disillusioned and that is why I am unhappy. I am letting fear prevail over hope and trust. In a sense, I am pushing away my Heavenly Father and his power to lift my burden because I am afraid to hope again. This is not like me. I am an optimistic and hopeful person. I have great faith in the goodness of mankind. I need to let go of my fear and trust. I need to feel like Shannon again.

My Getaway

Yesterday I returned home from a 7 day cruise to Puerto Vallarta, Mazatlan and Cabo with my mom. We had a blast! We left on the Carnival Splendor from Long Beach on March 7th. The best parts of the trip included: the chocolate melting cake at dinner each night, our smily waiter Roland, zip lining in the canopy of Puerto Vallarta, being 20 feet from two very active humpback whales in Cabo, eating amazing guacamole and salsa, greatly improving my tan, karaoke nights, and spending time with my mamacita! I highly recommend a cruise to anyone who needs to just get away.

The Help

Thanks to my awesome parents for getting me a purple ipod nano for Christmas, and my sister-in-law for letting me borrow many of her books on CD, I have really gotten into listening to books lately. I spend at least an hour in the car each day, going to and from work and these books keep my mind occupied and I would like to think increase my knowledge and understanding of humanity, while I am doing fairly brainless things (driving, cleaning, running, etc.).

I recently finished listening to a book called The Help by Kathryn Stockett. I absolutely loved the book. It takes place in Mississippi in the early 1960s and is written from the perspective of the help, or the black maids and nannies, and an educated white woman. The dialogue is beautiful and I really love the readers. It is a perfect book for me to listen to, because if I were reading it, my imagination would never fill in the accents and sass of the characters as well. For the past few weeks between 7:30-8:00am and 4:00-4:30pm I feel like I am in Jackson, Mississippi, 50 years ago and just love it!

I definitely recommend this book.