Sometimes I Just Feel Sad

Sometimes I just feel sad. I think it's part of my nature to wake up on occasion and be melancholy without warning or reason. Sometimes it feels good to feel sad. I have been blessed with a very good life. There have been few things I have ever been in want of that I couldn't have and nothing I have been in need of has been withheld from me. Such a blessed life can leave one feeling like they must be happy all the time. Some philosophies and opinions would have you feeling guilty and ungrateful for being sad when you have so much. I disagree with that belief. I love feeling happy and fulfilled, but I also like feeling the dull ache and hollowness of sorrow, loneliness and pain. It makes me feel human. It makes me feel that although my life is good, I still can have compassion for people whose lives are difficult right now. I don't want to sit around happy all the time while others are in sorrow. I don't want to build up a false reality that everything is fine because I'm fine, when there are so many things that are not fine in the world. I want to feel for those who have lost their homes to earthquakes and floods. I want to feel for those who have had loved ones taken from them prematurely. I want to feel for those who are left homeless, neglected, manipulated, abused, betrayed, and hopeless. I want to mourn with them and for them. I want to be in tune enough with humanity that I can offer that comfort that words cannot comprehend. The comfort that doesn't rely on encouragements, excuses or justifications. The comfort that accepts the situation for what it is and accepts your need to just swim in your sorrows for a moment.

Tonight I feel good because I feel sad. I am grateful the small bit of compassion I came with has not been lost to the self-preservation of adulthood. Just because you've been hurt, doesn't mean that other people's hurt doesn't matter.

Still Writing

My blog has taken the backseat the past month or so because much of my writing has been specifically written for someone, rather than the general public, meaning the handful of people that read my blog. I love my blog because of its accessibility and timelessness. I have found myself browsing through past entries at random times and places and enjoy remembering and assessing my situation through contemplating my past. 

I have spent multiple hours a week writing about Korea and don't want those memories to be lost, but don't have the time to rewrite them all. I am going to start copying a pasting thoughts, feelings and experiences that have already been written. It will be kind of rough, but it's better then nothing! 

January 19th:

I didn't work this weekend. On Friday I went to Kyunsung again with Nina (that is the neighborhood where I met you at open mic) and we went to a few bars and a Korean club. We had a really fun time dancing and meeting new people. We're both relatively new to Busan and it's nice that we know one another and have common interest. Saturday morning I was supposed to go on a hike, but this terribly unfriendly wind that has been reeking havoc on Busan caused my little hiking group to just grab breakfast together instead. Later I met Nina at Sinseqae, and we shopped around a bit and had some really good pad thai noodles. This morning I went to church and will probably go into Jangsan or Haeundae in a few hours to meet up with friends. The only downfall of the weekend was not having a proper dance partner on Friday and the cold winds! My pipes froze last night and I still don't have running water! Ugg! I maybe sleeping at a friend's house again tonight so I can get a hot shower in the morning.

I work M-F from 1:30-8/9 pm depending on the day. My hugwan just opened January 3rd and we are only about 1/3 filled to capacity so I don't teach as often as I hopefully will be in the future. I teach 6 classes MWF and 2 TTH. The ages vary from 5-15 and the class sizes are very small. Compared to my job in the states, the teaching is not very demanding because I don't really have to prepare my own lesson plans and have very little grading. It's pretty sweet because I have time in the morning to further my career but still get the fulfillment I enjoy from working with students. I think it's a good fit for me for a year. 

Hugwan is an after-school school. It's a private business more than a school. Learning English is very important to Koreans, so parents invest a lot of money in their children's education from a young age. Many kids from the time they are 8 or 9 are in school and hugwan from 8am till 10pm. It's a hard life for these kids, but a pretty good life for the foreign teachers that are in demand! I usually wake up around 8 or 9, leisurely check my emails, go for a run, clean my apartment, walk to the grocery store or coffee shop and get to work by 1:30. I actually really dislike idle time so I just signed up for an online TESOL credentialing program to fill my mornings with. I love to learn and love education. Hopefully this program will improve my teaching while I'm here and improve my work opportunities when I move back to the states. It's not easy being a teacher in America right now...especially in California. It sucks because there are a lot of really good teachers that are out of work because the government can't figure out a system that works! Oh well - I'm glad I'm here for now :). 

February 1st

It's Saturday night and I am taking a break from a fabulous weekend. The

weekend has been fairly normal by a Busan foreigners standard, but so

wonderful because I am lucky to have found such great friends in the short

time I've lived here.

Last night I headed to Jangsan for some much anticipated and needed girl

time with Nina. She has been dying to hear about our weekend and see

pictures of KL. We went to the best bulgogi (korean beef bbq) restaurant I

have been to so far and just enjoyed eating and talking. She selflessly

indulged me as she listened through my excitement and smiles. I think you

are actually good for her as you are for me. Nina is a good person to the

core, willing to give anything to her friends and the people she loves. I

think she has had friends and guys take advantage of her big heart in the

past and it's been discouraging to her. Your example gives her hope that

there are guys out there worth keeping true to her beliefs and morals.

This morning our hiking group hiked up and over the mountain the Beomosa

Temple is on. I saw the temple but didn't spend much time there because I

needed to keep moving to prevent from freezing to death! I plan on staying a

night at the temple once it gets warmer and having more time for some

reverence and contemplation. The hike was great. We pretty much bouldered up

to the top and the stopped at a little mountain hut for some kimchi and tofu

on the way down.

Tonight my friend Michelle and I got some "Mexican" food at a place called

Hello Kimchi (funny, huh?) and then watched the movie "King's Speech". Have

you seen it? It's up/was up (I can't keep track of time anymore...I have no

idea what is yesterday's, today's or tomorrow's news!) for 12 academy

awards. I thoroughly enjoyed it and recommend it if you haven't already seen

it.

February 4th

Happy Lunar New Year! I only had a two day work week this week because of the Korean New Year, which is probably the most important holiday in Korea.

My week has been great. Monthly evaluations needed to be finished by Monday, so I was busy last week getting those complete and preparing for the next month of instruction. My students are always wonderful. They well behaved, kind and often times make me laugh even with the language barrier.

Yesterday, (Wednesday) I went to one of my Korean colleague's homes to help her prepare food for the New Year. We made Pandetta, which is a traditional North Korean dish, and then went shopping. I got a few little things to send my nephew for his upcoming 6th birthday. I'm not bad about buying gifts or cards, but I am really bad about getting to the post office...hopefully I'll be better and actually get them to him! 

Last night I met up with Nina and we went to open mic and then another bar, Kino Eye, to dance for a bit. I had a great time! I just love to dance :)

We ended the night early so I could wake up for a hike this morning. I, of course, slept in till the last moment, checked my email and was pleased to see something from you, decided I couldn't leave without a quick shower...and ended up putting my shoes on in the elevator and running all the way to Starbucks to meet up with our group. The hike was beautiful. The weather has finally warmed up a bit and it was amazing to just feel the sun on my face again. We saw two temples, a waterfall and few incredible views of Busan. By the time we were finished, I was spent! I came back to Nina's, showered and took a little nap. Tonight Nina and I enjoyed some really good Mexican food and came home for a chick flick. It's been a solid New Year's Day! 

February 7th

Happy New Year to you! Seeing as it is the Korean New Year, I don't have any resolutions. I think that is primarily a western tradition...one that I actually forgot to participate in this year. Maybe I'll come up with some resolutions for Valentine's Day since my holidays and habits are all mixed up anyway! 

The Lunar New Year in Korea is all about being with family and respecting your elders and ancestors. It is tradition for families to visit their husband's parents. The women spend much of the days prior to the New Year cooking traditional Korean foods. On the New Year rites/rituals are performed for ancestors. Children also bow to their elders and are often given red envelopes with money in return. The traditional dress, called the hanbok, is also commonly worn. I was on a hike during the holiday, but I did see some people out and about in their hanboks and am excited to talk to my students on Monday about how their holiday went. It is also a time to give gifts. One of my students gave me a gift set with toothpaste, soap and shampoos and my director gave me a large supply of red ginseng extract. I've gathered it's a time to wish people good health...I am supposed to drink the ginseng 1-3x a day to strengthen my immune system, warm my hands and feet, give me energy, etc. Maybe it will also help reverse the effects of all the lung pollution I am acquiring here! 

I really am enjoying my time in Korea. I don't think I could have chosen a better time in my life to do something like this. I am taking advantage of every opportunity and living life to the fullest. I have only been here 6 weeks and have hiked 3 mountains, seen 4 temples, and been to every major shopping area and beach in Busan. I have also been able to discover a few smaller neighborhoods, trails and harbors that are off the beaten path. I have met foreigners and Koreans that I already care deeply for. I am excited to continue to explore this country and culture and see its beauty in all of the seasons.

February 12th

I've been very ponderous this week. Such moments are often filled with confusion about my religious upbringing, my marital experience within the Church and how to be a good person now. I feel like I am living in a dual world. I am unwilling to be completely committed to my church again because I feel like I was misled and hurt by the culture and organization of it, but I am still deeply committed to the fundamental Christian teachings of the LDS religion. The problem is the LDS church is not a pick and choose religion. I feel like I either need to be all in or all out. This is something that will weigh deeply on mind until I can find the right fit for me. I don't like thinking about such things because the only answer lies in faith in a god I'm afraid to trust again, but I can't deny that religion is very much a part of who I am. My marriage leading up to my divorce was stressful. I was trying so hard to hold all the demands of my life together, to keep everyone happy, while my ex was trying to tear everything down. After, I went through a me phrase. If something or someone caused me stress, I didn't have room for it in my life. I couldn't be bothered. (That's why I mentioned my selfishness in the past). It's been a year since the divorce and it is time to move past the me phase and slowly deal with the two things that cause confusion and stress, religion and relationships. Aside from an interesting career opportunity, I came to Korea with the intent to figure these things out away from the distractions and influences of home. I tell you these things because they are a big part of who I am right now...and like I said, I like to be understood. 

This week has also been stressful because I have been dealing with the untrustworthy sort of men. I've had someone leaving newspapers on my door with "I love you" written across them and then was flashed by an old man yesterday. The combination left me feeling very unsafe and frightened. When I trust someone, I eagerly invite them into almost every part of my life, but I am terribly protective when it comes to strangers. I don't like people to know where I live, when I go to work, etc. The city I live in is a new suburb of Busan and is fairly small. There are only a few foreigners and in such a homogeneous country, we stand out making that desired ambiguity difficult to keep. In any case, I spoke to my director yesterday and things have more or less been sorted out. I have had such good experiences with the Korean people up until now, that it was probably good that I have a wake up call, just as a reminder to keep up my guard. Although, I hate being shaken by such reminders. I wish I could live in a world where everyone was as trustworthy as I foolishly expect them to be! 

There has been good news this week. My brother-in-law and my little brother both found jobs after being unemployed for almost 6 months! You can imagine the stress the unemployment was playing on family relationships and we are all so grateful that their confidence will be restored again as they contribute to their family, in Josh's case, and society, in Russell's case. Other good news, my friend just booked a ticket to come visit me! She is coming to Korea on April 28th and then we're going to go to Beijing around May 5th. I have some time off for Buddha's b-day and love having something to look forward too! I'm excited to host a friend and go see the Great Wall and Imperial Palace. 

I've started to go to work early to do a language exchange with one of the Korean teachers. By the time I see you next, I may be able to read hangul, order food and direct a taxi!

Happy to Report that by and large Humanity is Good

Tonight, I am putting off the most recent episode of Gossip Girl (my favorite guilty pleasure), because I feel the need to express my restored belief in the goodness of mankind and my renewed love for humanity. This belief and emotion was lost for a little while, and I am so happy it has returned!

I believe this awareness is so poignant now because for the last 5 weeks, I have been the stranger, the outsider, and the ‘alien’ with an ID card to prove it. I find it comforting to know that although for the first time such words describe me, I don’t feel alone or ostracized. I have felt an overwhelming amount of love, kindness and charity from almost all the people I have come in contact with under my new circumstances. Daily, strangers offer smiles and encouragement as they help me with simple tasks, such as buying stamps, getting on the right subway, and taking out the trash. Some days I feel like a celebrity as convenience store clerks wave to me through store windows and small children in the park stop playing to excitedly say “Hello! Goodbye!” in their foreign tongue. I am constantly smiling, bowing and saying “kamsanida” in hopes that those who are so kind to me will understand how much I appreciate it. One would think moving to a foreign country would be scary and intimidating. Amazingly, I haven’t felt those emotions yet!

I have also had really good experiences with the other foreigners I have met here. Our unusual and similar experience as foreign teachers seems to spur hospitality and solidify friendships more quickly than under normal circumstances. My friends are already becoming like my family. We have meals together, they call to see how I am doing, they care about what I am thinking and feeling, they even let me stay at their apartments…in their beds when I miss my bus home! I know they are there for me if I need anything and I am of course there for them. It’s amazing that I have been able to create such friendships in a very short amount of time with people from a wide variety of places and circumstances.

The ward members at my church have also been incredibly kind. They call to make sure I know how to get to the chapel, they invite me to dinner, they translate the entire 3 hour service for me, they set aside an English hymn book for me each Sunday, they email or text me when I miss church to make sure everything is okay. It’s amazing that so many people could care enough to do such things for someone who is a complete stranger. They don’t owe me anything and I have nothing to offer them in return.

Korea really is creating a unique and special experience for me. I am glad to be here for a time. :D