Shannon in Korea

Time for another self analysis recap. I know I probably spend too much time gaging where I'm at, but it's just what needs to be done for me to be at a level of self-awareness I'm comfortable with.

I'm coming upon my 9th month in Korea and I feel like a different person from the one I was when I left the US. When I left home although a year had past, I still felt a little shell-shocked. I felt like the slightest turbulence could have me violently rocking. I wasn't sure what I wanted, all I knew was that I needed time to myself.

My first few months in Korea, I spent a lot of my free time worrying about big religious questions. I felt a lot of pressure to figure out what I believed and to figure it out quick. Answers weren't coming easily. I was still effected by the emotion of my situation and a little high strung because the shadow of failing was getting closer every day I didn't have the answers I felt people expected me to have.

I met some unique friends early on. Complete lovers of life. There wasn't a person they didn't want to get to know or a situation they were afraid of. They loved everyone and expressed it openly. These friends had incredible energy and I felt relaxed and uplifted when I was around them. I don't know what religion they are or what they believe, but each moment of their lives was filled with caring for others and gratitude and humility for the moments they were living. I was struck by their ability to be Christlike, I spent my free time with them and let that confidence they exuded be seen in myself. I stopped worrying about religious dogmas and started worrying about people. I smiled at everyone I met and didn't let a language barrier prevent friendships, laughter or amiable-everyday interactions. I laughed through the months of April and May and felt free to just be myself, that person that I am constantly trying to be aware of, for the first time in a very long time.

When my friends left in June, I was SAD! I struggled to find friends with their same genuine kindness and energy. I now had the confidence to make friends easily, and naturally saw the best in the people, but quickly learned I needed to be better at discerning between people who had potential to be great and people who were great. I often reminded myself to remember to be picky about the company I keep. Although I enjoy meeting and getting to know most people, I really value those few people I can connect with and are edifying to be around.

July was a difficult month. I learned that I am not good at working for 7 months straight without a break. Crazy Koreans - take a holiday for heaven's sake! The week before my trip home to see my family, I stopped sleeping regularly and felt on edge. I managed to burst a blood vessel in my eye I was so worn down. I don't know if the stress came from working or going home. But after a break at home, I felt rejuvenated and ready for the next 5 months.

August was spent feeding ambition that thankfully returned with force. I was running a lot in prep for a marathon, researching grad schools and studying for the GRE. Other free time was spent with the friends I already knew and cared about doing the things we enjoyed. I had a few  occasions where I wasted my time with poor company and it left me feeling really disappointed in myself for days. Guilt is a powerful weapon! I haven't made the same mistake since and my future calendar is filled with weekend trips, dinners and projects.

It's September now and I continue to be busy with graduate school prep. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I am going to do for the 8 months between Korea and the start of graduate school. I really like the person I have developed into while living in Korea. I have a lot more confidence than before and am okay if people don't like or understand me. (Being a perpetual people pleaser was exhausting!) I am okay with who I am today. There are still things I hope to become or hope to believe, but I understand that development is a never ending process. Character is developed by the accumulation of small good decisions over a life time.

Sometimes I am nervous to go home. I don't want the confident, friendly person I am in Korea, to fade away. I don't want the small pressures and arguments of family, friends, finance, church, and politics to take away from the lightness I feel. Is Korea an escape or can I continue to be the calm and carefree person I am now in America? How can I ensure that the person I am here, today, can also be a part of me in another environment? With that said, the environment must change. I can't stay in Korea any longer than a year. I've done all the growing I can do here. It is time to go home and be challenged with something new.

I've loved Korea and will continue to LIVE and cherish my last 3 months here. ^-^

Temple Stay Thoughts

(Written on August 21st)

Last night I had a really unique opportunity to stay at Buddhist temple and learn about Buddhism as it applies to traditional Korean religion and culture and, more interestingly, I was able to learn from a Zen Buddhist monk from Detroit about non-Buddhism and spirituality. The experience in entirety was unique and uplifting. Here are a few of the thoughts I came away with: 

Thoughts to remember:

If we live in a way in which we are fully present in the moment, we can more easily live out our fullest potential and be happy. Learn to be ever-present in the moment at hand. As we focus on failures or disappointments of the past or fears or anxieties of the future we are robbing ourselves of the precious gift of the here and now. Be aware and grateful of your environment. Be completely present in the conversations you have, food you eat, words you say. Try to live each moment.

As I was meditating it was really difficult for me to just be present. My mind was constantly running through the past and future. I was making to do list, worrying about the past, worrying about the future. It was 4:30am. I was in a beautiful temple in the countryside of Korea. The air was crisp and cold from the late night rain. It was silent as I sat by others who breathed in the stillness. Whose energy spoke of service and ease or at least a search for to obtain such. What was I going to do to solve all the anxieties that kept popping into my mind at that time? NOTHING! Even though it was only for seconds at a time, each one of those worries was taking away my ability to fully appreciate and live in that very beautiful moment. That was when I realized the value of learning to be ever-present.

Meditation: As humans we are subject to the coming and going of emotions and thoughts. Often times our emotions and thoughts are out of our control. As much as we’d like to believe it, we can’t just tell ourselves to be happy, or to not be effected by this disappointment or to stop thinking about why your friends aren’t texting or why the man you’re interested in isn’t courting you. The thing we have some control over is our body. With meditation we sit in postures to control our body. As we discipline our body to hold still and be comfortable in what would usually be uncomfortable positions we are disciplining our selves to gain better control over the thoughts and emotions that are a little harder to overcome. Meditation is a time to clear your mind. Think about breathe alone. Think about a question without searching for an answer. Learn to be okay with the unknown. Learn to be unaffected by disappointment, but to still live in awe of each moment because that moment is present and special. 10 minutes of meditation a day can bring about greater ease and peace in our lives. It helps restore perspective.

Being awake is being completely aware of what your purpose is in life. Mother Teresa and Martin Luther King (and even Joseph Smith!) are examples of people who were awake. They knew they had a special calling in life and embraced that calling with all their hearts. They didn’t care how difficult it was, whether or not they would succeed and whether or not their friends and family understood. They understood themselves and their work and they lived everyday to carry out that work.  Each of us have something special to do. Something that just feels right. It’s who we are. It’s what we were made to do. Discovering what that thing is and rendering our hearts and souls to that calling is being awake. A complete sense of self. A confidence no one can shake. Being awake brings peace. It brings about ease and calmness. It provides fulfillment and purpose. When we understand our purpose, we can’t waste time on things that distract us from that purpose. We can be kind to everyone, but we can’t waste time on people or dogmas that try to drag us away from who we are. I’ve always tried to be authentic in my actions, words and beliefs. I think I’ll really be on to something when I discover my purpose and then can live in a way that all my actions are authentic to that purpose. I don’t want anything to tell me what that purpose is. I don’t want it to come from a friend, family member or church. I want that understanding to come from within. I want to be sure that it not only comes from within me, but that it is me. It won’t be embarrassed or persuaded by others. It will be proud, assured and pour out good energy. It will be attractive and good.

I just need to figure out how to discover that purpose!

Orientation inside the temple

Traditional buddhist meal: everything is must be eaten, recycled and as clean as it was before the meal started. Whitney and I are cleaning out our bowls after a dinner of rice, soup, tofu and veggies. 

Every religion has their rituals. This one included placing offerings for Buddha, or rather to support the monks that live at the facility. Offerings included rice, incense, fruit and candles.

Another ritual is doing 108 bows. That doesn't sound hard, but trust me, it is! The proper way to bow is to hold your hands in prayer position, go to your knees, bend down to touch your forehead and hands to the floor, raise your hands, go back to your knees, place your hands in prayer position and stand back up. The bows are done to a monks chanting and are fluid from one to the next. The purpose is to rid oneself of earthly desires. I finished the bows...sweating, but my quads hurt for days after so much squatting! 

Meditation inside the giant golden Buddha.

I love this temple. It is about 20 minutes from my house and so beautiful. It really caters to educating foreigners and the people are so kind and accommodating.

6am gardening

Painting traditional Lotus flowers.

The entire group at the end of the stay.