Nothing to Say

I haven't written since April 5th and I'm worried. I always have something to say. I always have some complex issue to analyze or some complicated emotion to put words to. There was a time when not writing meant things were going well. I would only turn to writing when I was upset or confused. I'm not sure why I'm not writing anymore, but I know it's not because I am blissfully happy either.

I've been thinking about happiness lately. What is happiness? What does it mean to me? When have I been happy in the past? What do I need to be happy? What is the difference between fulfillment and happiness? Happiness and fun? Happiness and peace?

I don't feel unhappy. Most of my time is spent teaching, talking, smiling and laughing with other people. I am grateful for my life and enjoy the rich experiences I have on a daily basis. I am constantly reminded of the beauty of this earth and the goodness of humanity. Although, sometimes I still struggle.

I struggle because I feel directionless. I struggle because what used to matter so much to me, doesn't seem to matter anymore. I'm not sure what to care about and what to let be. I strangely am able to befriend every stranger, but guard my heart with high concrete walls and barbed wire. I don't trust men. I shy away from even the thought of a relationship, although feel a tinge of jealousy toward my friends that call their spouse their best friend and treat them as such. I would like a meaningful, fulfilling relationship but am convinced I'm not ready for one. I think I am too broken to even try.

I don't know what needs to be repaired. I don't know where to begin and most importantly, I don't know if I want things to change yet. Life is not meaningful or fulfilling right now, but at least it doesn't hurt. There is no room for disappointment. I sometimes look at myself and feel like a coward. Why aren't I stronger? Why can't I just get over things and move on? But where do I go? What do I want? The questions are very broad and difficult to answer. My opinions change each day. I haven't been writing because there haven't been any break throughs. I haven't learned or felt anything new. One day easily fades into the next. Life is full of great things, but somehow lacks the excitement and color it once possessed. Am I just old and jaded or is this part of healing? Am I healing or just developing bad habits? I don't know.