Time for another self analysis recap. I know I probably spend too much time gaging where I'm at, but it's just what needs to be done for me to be at a level of self-awareness I'm comfortable with.
I'm coming upon my 9th month in Korea and I feel like a different person from the one I was when I left the US. When I left home although a year had past, I still felt a little shell-shocked. I felt like the slightest turbulence could have me violently rocking. I wasn't sure what I wanted, all I knew was that I needed time to myself.
My first few months in Korea, I spent a lot of my free time worrying about big religious questions. I felt a lot of pressure to figure out what I believed and to figure it out quick. Answers weren't coming easily. I was still effected by the emotion of my situation and a little high strung because the shadow of failing was getting closer every day I didn't have the answers I felt people expected me to have.
I met some unique friends early on. Complete lovers of life. There wasn't a person they didn't want to get to know or a situation they were afraid of. They loved everyone and expressed it openly. These friends had incredible energy and I felt relaxed and uplifted when I was around them. I don't know what religion they are or what they believe, but each moment of their lives was filled with caring for others and gratitude and humility for the moments they were living. I was struck by their ability to be Christlike, I spent my free time with them and let that confidence they exuded be seen in myself. I stopped worrying about religious dogmas and started worrying about people. I smiled at everyone I met and didn't let a language barrier prevent friendships, laughter or amiable-everyday interactions. I laughed through the months of April and May and felt free to just be myself, that person that I am constantly trying to be aware of, for the first time in a very long time.
When my friends left in June, I was SAD! I struggled to find friends with their same genuine kindness and energy. I now had the confidence to make friends easily, and naturally saw the best in the people, but quickly learned I needed to be better at discerning between people who had potential to be great and people who were great. I often reminded myself to remember to be picky about the company I keep. Although I enjoy meeting and getting to know most people, I really value those few people I can connect with and are edifying to be around.
July was a difficult month. I learned that I am not good at working for 7 months straight without a break. Crazy Koreans - take a holiday for heaven's sake! The week before my trip home to see my family, I stopped sleeping regularly and felt on edge. I managed to burst a blood vessel in my eye I was so worn down. I don't know if the stress came from working or going home. But after a break at home, I felt rejuvenated and ready for the next 5 months.
August was spent feeding ambition that thankfully returned with force. I was running a lot in prep for a marathon, researching grad schools and studying for the GRE. Other free time was spent with the friends I already knew and cared about doing the things we enjoyed. I had a few occasions where I wasted my time with poor company and it left me feeling really disappointed in myself for days. Guilt is a powerful weapon! I haven't made the same mistake since and my future calendar is filled with weekend trips, dinners and projects.
It's September now and I continue to be busy with graduate school prep. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I am going to do for the 8 months between Korea and the start of graduate school. I really like the person I have developed into while living in Korea. I have a lot more confidence than before and am okay if people don't like or understand me. (Being a perpetual people pleaser was exhausting!) I am okay with who I am today. There are still things I hope to become or hope to believe, but I understand that development is a never ending process. Character is developed by the accumulation of small good decisions over a life time.
Sometimes I am nervous to go home. I don't want the confident, friendly person I am in Korea, to fade away. I don't want the small pressures and arguments of family, friends, finance, church, and politics to take away from the lightness I feel. Is Korea an escape or can I continue to be the calm and carefree person I am now in America? How can I ensure that the person I am here, today, can also be a part of me in another environment? With that said, the environment must change. I can't stay in Korea any longer than a year. I've done all the growing I can do here. It is time to go home and be challenged with something new.
I've loved Korea and will continue to LIVE and cherish my last 3 months here. ^-^
1 comment:
Shannon, I really like this post. If I were to put myself in your shoes, I would tend to think that moving back to California and living with or close to family members would not put a monkey wrench in the calm and carefree person I became abroad. I think as long as you truly inwardly change, you take that with you wherever you go. So I guess the question is, have you? And that's of course a dialog to have with yourself. Love you, and very much looking forward to seeing you soon! I've set your blog to RSS feed now, which will help me tune in more often. ...Ryan
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