What I Want From ME

I think today is the first day since I arrived in Korea that I stayed home on a Friday night, went to bed early and then spent the entire day alone at home. It's been awesome! Lately I have felt haggard! Living in a foreign country is awesome because there is ALWAYS something new to do or see, but when you work full time and then spend all the rest of your free time chasing after these experiences, you get a little worn out!

With moving home in 6 weeks, I've been left contemplating, what next? I am pretty confident in my future education and career goals, but would like to think more about important and lasting personal goals. The goals that will determine much of who I will be as my life progresses on. I have really avoided thinking about these goals for a good 6 months because the goals themselves are scary! When you look at yourself and determine who you really want to be, there is not a person in the world that will set a higher standard than yourself. There is no one but you that can tell whether or not that ambition has been realized. And the nature of such goals can feel fleeting. They require attention and effort every single day to at least be on a road to gain them. The good news is character is the result. Character is the accumulation of consistent good decisions. It is manifested in great moments but built on small ones.

I have isolated 6 character traits that are important to me. If I could remember these traits to some extent each day in my life, I would be proud. If years down the road I could look back on my life and use these words to describe the time I spent among my fellowmen, I could rest happy.

I want to be:

1. Compassionate: Compassion shows love for even strangers. Sometimes being compassionate is exhausting. There is too much pain and suffering in the world to allow yourself to feel it all, but I hope to make the choice to feel. I hope to avoid distancing myself from other peoples suffering. That is selfish not preserving. Compassion leads to love and service. It doesn't have time for insecurity or selfishness because it paves the way for action. If I can look with compassion at the people I meet, I won't be able to stand still, I won't do things out of obligation, I will be present, body and spirit. I hope to live with a little more compassion in my life.

2. Courageous: Fear is everywhere and ruins everything! Simply put, fear robs dreams. I don't want to be oblivious to fear. I want to understand it, I want to feel it and then look it right in the eye and move forward. I don't want anything to have control over my life, least of all, fear. Fear comes in all shapes and sizes. Fear of failure, fear of lose, fear of disappointment, fear of rejection, fear of loneliness. Fear manifests itself in anxiety, confusion, and depression. Such terrible things can be overcome with that one word, courage! I want to be courageous. I need to spend the time to analyze why I'm dragging my feet on anything good, identify what it is that I'm afraid of and move on. I have yet to be in a life or death situation...what is the worst thing that could happen from being courageous...I may fail! I love the quote, "Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail Better." Being courageous keeps you moving forward. It opens up opportunities and experiences you may miss out on if you let fear take control.

3. Exuberant: If you know me, the real me, you know I LOVE LIFE!!! Often times I want to shout at the top of my lungs how amazed I am by the skyline of trees or the crashing of waves or the kindness of a stranger. Life is beautiful!! People are good! I never want to loose my excitement, my whole body belief that there is so much good to just feel. I love letting that recognition possess me. I love sharing my exuberance for life with others. It's so good...can you feel it?

4. Grateful: If I can maintain an attitude of gratitude (-.-) everything else will come easier. Gratitude keeps you safe from selfishness and disappointment. It doesn't expect anything and builds greater relationships, confidence, humility and charity. I feel gratitude often, but I hope I can vocally express it more! I am so grateful to my God, my family, my friends, and the everyday stranger that smiles at me. I'm grateful for my mind, my faith, my health, my opportunity to work, live and create relationships. Making a mental effort to be grateful for what you have will make each day feel a little better.

5. Involved: I want to be involved, but only in the right things. I want to be involved in my family and friends lives. I don't want to be overly involved, but enough so I know what's going on and enough that they know I'm there when they need me. And with that, I want to BE THERE! I don't want to miss being there for someone I love because I didn't take the time to really know them. I don't want to be so involved in something inconsequential that it takes away from the relationships that really matter. Work, church, community outreach, service organizations are all important, but with involvement I hope to maintain perspective. Where should I involve my time? What is most important? Where can I do the most good? I hope to be a little more involved in things that are good and uplifting.

6. Inner Peace: Inner peace is my measuring tool on how I'm doing with everything else. If I can take a look at myself and feel peace, then I'm doing all right. Inner peace, like all good things, requires effort. It will only be gained by making those small, good decisions daily and can only be recognized when I take the time to meditate and assess where I am at and what I need to change. It is easy to tell when something is off because inner peace can be interrupted so easily. Anxiety and confusion are the key perpetrators of my inner peace. Even if I'm not perfect, I feel peace when I can honestly look at myself and know I am at least on the path I want to be on. The moments of self-loathing or insecurity are the moments I've strayed off into the bushes. I hope my desire to have inner peace will keep me accountable to all that is good.

I hope I can think about these 6 goals, or values regularly. I hope they can become a part of me. I hope I can recognize the people and environments that move me toward the path I want to be on and the avoid the ones that create distance. I hope these values help me fight the fear associated with the more material life goals that should stop hiding in the back of my mind, namely committed relationships (not even brave enough to use the M word!) and family. If there's anything beautiful about this post, it's that it's full of hope. There were moments I didn't think such hope existed in my heart anymore. Humanity is good. It's resilient. And so am I.