It May Be Time to Write Again

I have taken a break from truly blogging for nearly a year. I've continued to write and soul search, but found the wanderings of my heart too vulnerable and nebulous to speak about openly. My matters of the heart have dealt with religion, love, society and conformity. The process of change won't be discussed here, but result of personal philosophies will inevitably shine through my future writings.

I started graduate school 3 days ago. I'm excited and nervous. I feel mentally and emotionally prepared to take on the demands of this year. I am fearful but excited for the inevitable criticism of scholars and the struggle to deeply dig and truly push myself. I want to learn everything I can! I'm at a phenomenal school studying under professors who are world class. They are at the cutting edge of their field. I'm among students who are passionate about social justice and will go on to innovate better school policies, teaching techniques and opportunities for diverse populations. I've already wondered whether or not it's a mistake that I got in. Many days I'm still searching for that calling that will unify my heart and life's work with human progress and the world. I know I am passionate about education, but sometimes I am passionate about everything and other days I'm nervously depressed. Overwhelmed by the task at hand and the smallness of my influence. Somedays I feel like I have to choose whether my life path will lead to affluence and security or one of subsistence living service. I often feel destain for dogma's that lead toward a clear path but fail to demand authenticity and reflection. And then I feel destain toward my lack of discipline for regular soul searching, disdain that my morals aren't regularly reflected on, distain for the times I am unprepared to be authentic in my social interactions.

I am writing again for that process of reflection. For those quiet declarations of my soul that need a place to be heard and recorded.

I have spent the evening reading a book written by Jane Addams called "Twenty Years at Hull-House." Addams was a famous social reformist who built and dedicated a home to anyone who needed a place of refuge in the slums of Chicago in the 1890s. I've found myself inspired by the first 30 years of her life (I haven't finished the book...). She was raised by a well-to-do family, with a father that took an active role in developing her morally and academically. She attended university and studied the classic works of high European culture. She then went on to travel and study in Europe. At such time she is exposed to the poverty and wretchedness of East London and other impoverished, industrial cities in Europe. I am so fascinated by her story and writing because she is upfront about her original discomfort with poverty, yet bothered with the waste of time being spent a studying high culture that isn't contributing to society. She speaks of escaping the work of contribution through the process of preparing: education and travel. She talks about the dogmas of the day and how she passively resisted buying into them. She's honest with her desire to change, her sadness for the suffering and her conflicted and sometimes depressed state. I guess I'm comforted by reading her story because she gathered knowledge and experience for 30 years and then went on for the next 40 years to being one of the greatest social reformers in history; impacting individual lives and national policies for the better!

Sometimes I feel like I should have deeper roots, more savings, greater assurity for my future path and present beliefs. I wonder if I'm standing unaffected by the time that is passing my by. I am inspired by her story because I can honestly say, that I have been affected. I can't quantitatively measure my experiences or past success. There's no monetary number or certificate, but they're worthwhile. I'm confident that I am affected. That they're molding me to do something that is real and personally worthwhile. Something that will be bigger than me and positively impact others. I just need to continue to be affected and cease opportunities or create them as my path becomes more certain.