Secrets to Tell

When I moved to Korea I came with few expectations. I didn’t know what to expect, but was up for a far away adventure on my own. One month of my time here has already come and passed and I have loved everyday.  I’ve loved the bibimbap, the simple apartment, the friends, the bars, the dancing, the teaching, and the swapping of cultures.

Something truly unexpected also came along my first month of living here…

I may have met a man at a smoky underground bar, I may have waited at a subway station in hopes to see him again, I may have spent late nights composing and rereading emails to one another and I may have flown to Kuala Lumpur for 30 hours to see that same man.

Patronas Towers

Batu Caves 

I just like this one.

I'm pretty happy about now

Butterfly Sanctuary

So nice to be warm for a few hours

Traditional Malay meal
Our taxi driver showed us where to go and how to properly eat with our hands. 

He's a bit of a romantic...I like it

Life is unexpected but so rich when you take chances. 

Developmental Konglish and ADD

Heaven help me and even this blog entry! I have been in Korea for less than a month and am quickly loosing my ability to speak complex and educated English. I have to simplify everything I say to almost everyone throughout the day and it is really taking a toll on my speaking abilities. I am embarrassed by the conversations I have and the emails I send. Everything I say is broken into simple sentences with basic vocabulary and I have already found myself forgetting the words to describe more obscure emotions, beliefs or technical terminology. I also rely a lot on expressions, hand gestures, pictures and other forms of non-verbal communication which means I talk less and express more. I hope this doesn't take a toll on my sociablity - ability to be social ;) - because I know I need to maintain a fairly high word quota to feel complete and happy at the end of each day.

Something I could do to help maintain my English proficiency would be to read more books, although, I have had problems with reading books for about a year. At first the problem was I would start reading and the weight of my own thoughts would take over and I'd end up staring at the book perplexed by the tangents of my mind. I'm not so crazy now, but I do I think I have developed ADD due to social bombardments. For too many hours of the day I have gmail, gchat, facebook, fb chat, skype, heytell, text messages, phone calls and probably others that I am forgetting about, distracting my from whatever I am doing. Between my computer, phone and iphone things are constantly buzzing, bouncing, ringing, vibrating, and chiming to get my attention. It's gotten a little out of control. I couldn't count the thoughts unfinished, tasks delayed and conversations cut short due to these interruptions. Now, when I sit down to quietly complete something my mind is all over the place. I wonder who has emailed me, I wonder if this friend is available to chat, I wonder how to make kimchi soup, I wonder how the flood in Australia is, I wonder if I ever wrote that person back, I wonder when my bills are due, I wonder what the weather is like in Japan and it goes on and on. The answers to all of my wonderings are only a few clicks away so I spend hours googling random questions that really have no direction or benefit, rather then spending those hours improving my mind by focusing on one thing. 

*Sigh* 

This has got to change. 

If I don't start challenging my mind and exerting a little discipline I'm going to turn into a harebrained, Konglish speaking foreigner. I don't even want to think of the stereotypes that will put me under. I'm signing up for online TESOL courses tonight! Maybe, I'll read a book too!!!

Just an Average Week for a Busan Foreigner

My second week in Korea was a success. I met my students and taught my first classes. All in all, I think things went well. Having 3 years of experience helped, although I am definitely looking into programs to get my TESOL or ESL certificate while I am here. I think I would be a more effective educator with some formal training, not to mention I am desperate to challenge my mind again.

My work week started off a little hectic but for the most part was low key. I ran, got groceries and skyped my family/friends in the morning, taught my classes, went into to Seomyeon with my director and co-Korean teacher to get some books, and just kind of hung out alone!

This is Michelle; ain't she cute?

By Friday night I was in desperate need of some social interaction with a completely fluent English speaker. I already have this fear that if I don't challenge my mind with furthering my education or keeping a very active social life, my language skills are going to be reduced to that of a middle schooler at best. The point is, I need to talk complexly as often as I get the chance! In anycase, after work I headed into Centum City and met my friend Michelle for dinner. We went to Haeundae, which is probably the MOST famous beach in Korea and is similar in feel to Waikiki in that it has skyscrapers along the boardwalk and is nicely planned, and had some really delicious "fajitas" that looked an awful lot like tacos. I slept at her place that night and we stayed up late girl talking as we should.

The next morning I met up with Matt and Joe, from the Busan hiking club (so far, the club is just the three of us really...it's pretty awesome actually) and we hiked to Seokbolsa Temple. It was a little cold at first, but the hike was beautiful, the view from the temple was amazing and it was peaceful just to be high up in a spiritual place while looking down on a busy city and the ocean. I plan on going on these hikes as often as possible while I live here. It's such a good way to get to know the city and it feels good to be outdoors. I can't wait to see how the scenery changes as the trees blossom in the spring and change color in the fall. Busan is perfect for me because it's like the mountains I love from Utah, meet the ocean I love from California, meet the city I love from anywhere! It's such a great city. We ended the hike with some kimchi, pork and rice. It was a great first outing.

We took a cable car part part way up the mountain

View of some of Busan

Here's the club!

There's no better place to meditate than on a platform surrounded by Buddha's,  overlooking the ocean, with the sun on your face. I'm contemplating becoming a monk so I could do this everyday!

After the hike, I hung out in the city for a while longer, stopped at Home Plus (think Walmart with 4 stories...you can get anything there!), and came home to relax and watch my dubbed Korean TV show called Pasta! This morning I caught my bus to church and had a really good Sunday. Many of the young adult members in my ward have studied at BYU, BYU-H or served missions in the states and they are really helpful at translating the talks and lessons for me. Every Sunday after church the entire ward gets together and has lunch. Some of the women in the ward prepare it ahead of time and the men clean up after. Today we had rice with 5 or 6 varieties of fermented and boiled vegetables (cabbages, sprouts, seaweed, etc.) and chili sauce and then clementines for dessert. It was delicious and so nice to have a meal, since I still have no idea how to cook for myself well in this country!

I'm really happy here. I know I'll have moments and days where I'll miss my family, friends and maybe a warm brownie but I'm in a really good place right. I'm enjoying every moment of the experience and hope it will enrich my life and help me narrow down what I intend on doing with myself after this is over! 

Enjoy a few more pics from the hike :)

Happy New Year!

This New Year I was in Korea and basically knew no one. Although, due to my excellent facebook networking (AKA stalking) skills, prior to New Years Eve, I had arranged to meet up with a few people who are also here teaching. I got really lucky because the people I met up with are awesome and I ended up having a great New Year! 

It started with a hamburger at Burns Breeze with some LDS members who came for the weekend from Daegu, continued on to pretty much a 6 hour dance-a-thon and ended watching the sunrise with hundreds of other people at Gwangali Beach. It's a tradition here to watch the sunrise for the New Year. It was kind of a weird experience because I am so used to seeing the sunset over the ocean and I hadn't actually gone to bed so it could have been morning or evening as far as I was concerned. In any case, it was beautiful and definitely a New Years I won't forget. :) 

I did end up waking up to a little Irishman (on the right) once I finally crashed. He thought it was a good way to start a new year!

This is my friend Matt. He has already proven to be invaluable and a great friend to go dancing with. 

It was freaking freezing, but so worth it!

The sun of the new year peaks through.

Did I mention we went to Dunkin Donuts after the sunrise? Haha - you can get just about anything American here!

25 and Illiterate - First week in South Korea!

 I have lived in South Korea for 5 days now. The first day I was kind of on a rollercoaster of emotions. At one point I would be really excited and happy to be here and then soon all I could think of were ways to get back home as soon as possible. On day #5, I have embraced this place as my home, and am working to establish friendship and a community here.

A little bit about my life here. I live in a new area, called Jeonggwan, which is on the outskirts of the huge metropolis city of Busan. Busan is the largest port city in Korea (I am sure many of the container ships from here end up in Long Beach...maybe that is even the route my Tuscon took!). It is also the second largest city in the country with over 3.5 million people and is known for it's beautiful beaches. It is very hilly in this part of Korea and so you get a very interesting juxtaposition of uniform skyskrapers "nestled" between rolling hills. It's winter here and much of the vegetation is dormant, but it is still beautiful.

Jeonggwan is about a 10 minute drive north of the major part of the city. I was a little disappointed to find that I was not in the heart of the city, which means it will be a 30 minute bus ride to meet up with other expats and explore the city, but I love my apartment and school so much already that I can't complain. Not to mention, Jeonggwan is the up and coming new place to live, so people are moving in daily and new shopping malls, restaurants and stores will be opening soon.

I teach at a hagwon called ECC. ECC is a chain of schools, but the branch I am working at is brand new and opens on Monday. The school is about a 10 minute walk from my apartment and I already really love my director and the other teachers I work with. Everyone has been incredibly accommodating, from letting me sleep at their house when my heat needed to be repaired, to paying for all my home necessities, to giving me copies of Korean dramas with English subtitles to help me learn Korean, to leaving presents of juice and treats on my desk everyday! If I need anything, the native teachers I work with are there to help. It's very comforting knowing I'm not left alone to figure it out here!

I love my accommodation because it is so freaking feminine! It has a light pink wall paper on three walls and then bright pink floral paper on the 4th. I absolutely love my heated floors and enjoy how simple living is here without having to cut out the creature comforts I am dependent on ;). I have a TV with hundreds of channels, many which are in English (CNN, BBC, Discovery, National Geographic, etc.), internet of course, I have a clean and tidy bathroom, a dresser, a cabinet for my shoes, a washer and a hot plate to cook on. I am still getting used to the open shower, but I purchased some bathroom shoes so it's not a big deal. My bed is much harder than I am used to (my behind is actually numb as I sit and type this out!) but I will either adjust, or go to the SuperMart and buy a mattress pad. I also live right above a 711, which #1 makes me laugh and #2 settles any soda or chocolate craving that may come along...so much for easy holiday weight loss!

I have eaten at a few traditional restaurants and really like Korean food provided it's not too spicy. They eat a lot of vegetables, meat and seafood here and I have already embarrassed myself with my poor chopstick skills. Although, I refuse to take the fork the server discretely places near me because I have GOT to get better at it. It's a utensil! How hard could it be to pick up?!? I had duck (which is actually Chinese) the other night and was surprised by how sweet and delicious it was. The groceries stores have a lot of standard American food, so I have had Kellogg's cereal and peanut butter sandwiches when I am cooking for myself...nothing has changed ;).

The most interesting sensation that I have experienced so far is feeling completely illiterate! I haven't studied Hangul, the Korean alphabet, in depth yet and it is so weird not being able to identify even the sign for the restroom! Many signs are in English and hangul, but I still am very reliant on others to help me "read" and then translate basic words. I have started to study Korean and it is going to be a long road! Everything sounds the same to me. How do you train your ear to pick up new sounds and then train your mind to remember them? I hope by the end of the January I will be able to read a few basic words and say common greetings.

I hate writing entries like this, because I feel they are boring. There is little emotion, depth or self expression in this kind of writing, but hopefully it's enjoyable to someone. I'm going to go for my last run of 2010 and first run in Korea now!

Fall in Recap

Disclaimer: this blog is freaking boring at first because it is just a recap. No creativity went into this writing. I am falling asleep as I write it, but it may be worthwhile to remember one day. :)

A lot has happened since I last posted. In October I went to Washington DC and NYC to check out graduate schools, specifically George Washington University and Columbia. The trip was really just an excuse to go back East for the fall and I had a great time traveling with my friend Sugar and visiting Aubrey, Julia, Cindy, Christina, Caitlyn and many other friends who happened to be in the city. I thought visiting the campuses of the universities I was most interested in would really help move me in a direction toward grad school, but I found that I was not very impressed by George Washington and discovered I needed a little more time to refine exactly what I wanted to study within the field of education. When I got back from my trip, I started applying to teaching positions again. At this point I was feeling more than fed up with retail, I had been working at Nordstrom since July, due to the inconvenient hours, stress on my feet and little pay. I explored international teaching positions earlier in the year, but the timing was off. I liked the idea of teaching abroad, but was not emotionally in a place where I could really handle the added stress of being away from everything familiar.

As I returned from my October trip, on a whim I applied to an English teaching position in Korea. A recruiter called me that day to interview me and by the end of the week I had interviewed with the director of a hugwon in Busan and been offered a job to start in December. After some discussion and research I accepted the job and began to live my life louder than I had the courage to do in years.

November and December of 2010 were more fun than I can remember having in a long time. I had no inhibitions and was finally willing to let new people into my life. Before I accepted the job, I intentionally was spending my time with people that weren’t worth it. I was afraid to create meaningful relationships again because I didn’t want to open myself up to being hurt by anyone else. Having a departure date gave me confidence to make friendships. I didn’t think anything could get too deep in a two month period, so I was safe to live and love openly and then say goodbye. I did live and love openly. I went on a girls trip to Vegas, went to clubs in LA and Orange County, went to organized activities with other LDS friends, I went to parties, I danced with friends, I danced alone in my room, I sang in the shower, I spent time spoiling Max and Audrey, I was spontaneous, I smiled all the time and I made up for all the laughing I’d missed out on. Living so freely felt incredible and probably had a greater healing impact than anything to this point.

My plan to have fun then peace out, did not exactly go according to plan. Much to my surprise, I made friends that I am deeply attached to. I don’t know what happened to me in the mess of marriage and divorce, but I somehow forgot or didn’t believe that people really cared to get to know me and then would continue to care about me unless there was something in it for them. I was highly sensitive to being manipulated or used and additionally felt like I had little to offer seeing as I couldn’t trust people and was unsure about my beliefs.

This group of friends did not see the person I saw. They openly loved and accepted all of me. Their words were always kind and encouraging. They were interested in listening to what I was going through and were accepting of the things I struggled accepting about myself. They gave hugs freely, laughed easily and could go from dancing to deep conversation within minutes. Some of these friendships were established weeks before I left, but I know they are going to still be there when I get back. I am moved and deeply emotional due to the gratitude I feel for these people in my life. At a time when I have given God the least amount of attention he deserves, I can’t help but be humbled by this testimony that he still cares about me and wants me to have hope, friendship and love in my life.

I am in Korea now, starting another chapter. There will be more to come!

Here are a few pics of these beloved months and friends:

Try again. Fail Better.

Written on 12/05/2010

I am not sure where to begin. I have been ignoring myself for a long time now. It is so easy to be distracted when there are always friends, parties and the world wide web around. I feel really out of sync with who I am. I am not sure what I want or what I believe anymore. Or maybe it is not that I am not sure, but I have been ignoring it for a long time. I have stopped thinking about the future and have been living in the moment. The problem is, when you live in the moment you only experience the emotion of that moment. Your emotions are so much more shallow because you don't have hope, you don't have a plan, you don't have a foundation. The shallow emotion is attractive. It is easier. It is so much work to be emotionally aware. It hurts to constantly be self evaluating, realizing what needs to change and then actually following through and fixing things. I feel like I am loosing my ability to change. I used to view myself as someone with tenacity, self discipline, and character. Now I'm not sure. I feel like I can be blown where ever the wing takes me. 

I feel really alone. I sometimes miss Tyler. Should I be embarrassed that I still love him? It doesn't make sense because I don't think he ever really got me. I think I miss him because there is safety in knowing once upon a time I trusted someone. Although that belief was proven wrong, I think I associate that ability to be open and trusting, with Tyler. I miss parts of who I was when I was with him. I am scared to even believe I can give of myself to someone again. Again, I don't understand why. I got through rejection once before, I could probably get through it again. 

Overcoming this fear is essential. Not because I want a relationship now but because hope seems to be a package deal for me. If I can't hope in finding someone who I can love and who will love me in return, then I can't hope in marriage, families, stability, etc. Nothing really matters when you don't have hope. Se la vie; eat, drink and be merry; carpe diem. Days can be filled with adventures, laughter and intellect, but the next morning those things are gone and you have to come up with something or someone else to make the day rich. I want everyday to be rich again. 

The few moments when I choose to be honest with myself I know exactly what I want and it stings. It stings because I was so close to having it and because it now feels so far away. 

I'm going to work on hope for now. I'm going to start thinking about the future and believing that my future can be filled with good things. I'm going to risk trusting again. I'm going to believe I can try again and it will turn out better.