Happy Birthday, Buddha!

Beijing!

My recent trip to Beijing was incredible. What an interesting, rich and dynamic city! I traveled with my friend Sugar and we stayed at a Hutong turned hostel/hotel for 4 nights. We were about a 15 minute taxi drive from the Forbidden City and Tiananmen Square. I hope to be able to write more about my impressions later, but here are a few highlights from the trip if I don't get around to it. 

We stayed at the Hutong Hostel and Inn. The staff there was really helpful and although it quite a nice hostel, I was really grateful for the shower curtain that made our bathroom a little more private. The hutong area is windy and confusing and the first few days we spent hours weaving through streets trying to find our little hotel!

We stayed at the Hutong Hostel and Inn. The staff there was really helpful and although it quite a nice hostel, I was really grateful for the shower curtain that made our bathroom a little more private. The hutong area is windy and confusing and the first few days we spent hours weaving through streets trying to find our little hotel! 

Tiananmen Square has two huge flat screen TVs  playing patriotic music and showing pleasant scenes of China. You have to go through a security check to enter the square. We are here with some friends I met on my flight from Seoul.

Tiananmen Square has two huge flat screen TVs  playing patriotic music and showing pleasant scenes of China. You have to go through a security check to enter the square. We are here with some friends I met on my flight from Seoul. 

Starfish? Scorpions? Urchins? Lamb testicles? Interesting to see, not interested in eating!

Starfish? Scorpions? Urchins? Lamb testicles? Interesting to see, not interested in eating! 

Our mild dish of veggies must have contained about 30 peppers. Our server gave us cups of water to dip the vegetables in before eating to get some of the spice off after expressing it was much to spicy to consume!

Our mild dish of veggies must have contained about 30 peppers. Our server gave us cups of water to dip the vegetables in before eating to get some of the spice off after expressing it was much to spicy to consume!

Goldfish symbolize good luck or good fortune and can be found in just about every structure. This strange one was at a park outside of the Forbidden Palace.

Goldfish symbolize good luck or good fortune and can be found in just about every structure. This strange one was at a park outside of the Forbidden Palace. 

I loved the artwork everywhere!

You laugh now, but after experiencing some of China's toilets, I am really grateful for a rating system. I am told I am lucky that at least most of the bathrooms have doors on the stalls. Apparently that's a recent addition. Thank you Beijing Olympics! 

The Forbidden City completely blew me away. I was not prepared for how massive and beautiful it was!

The Forbidden City completely blew me away. I was not prepared for how massive and beautiful it was!

Beihai Park

We took a gondola to a section of the Great Wall and I'm grateful we did. The mountains are really steep and I would have needed to commit an entire day to hiking (precious time I didn't have) just to reach the wall!

We took a gondola to a section of the Great Wall and I'm grateful we did. The mountains are really steep and I would have needed to commit an entire day to hiking (precious time I didn't have) just to reach the wall! 

This section of the wall continues to be in almost perfect condition. I can only imagine the manpower it took to build this wall and am surprised there were people motivated enough to cross those step mountains to continually attack the Han.

This section of the wall continues to be in almost perfect condition. I can only imagine the manpower it took to build this wall and am surprised there were people motivated enough to cross those step mountains to continually attack the Han.

This moment was probably the highlight of the trip. The parents of this child literally threw her into my arms for a photo with the two foreign girls at the Great Wall. She was so tiny and cute. I think I'll have enough pictures with random Asian children by the time I leave here to create a small book. I don't mind, I love children!

View from the top! I LOVED being in the mountains.

Jade factory. This ship was carved from a single piece of jade. 

These slippers were only about 3 inches long and are replicas of the slippers found when archeologist opened one of the Ming dynasty tombs.  

Beijing is known as a bicyclist city, and although there are many cars and buses now, there are separate lanes for cyclists which are constantly crowded with rickshaws and bicycles. I would never attempt to ride a bike in this city. It was complete chaos!

Temple of Heaven

All of the royal structures had door with 9 projections to symbolize power.

People in China completely adore their children...well...child!

Feng Shui at the Temple of Heaven

Xiabu, Xiabu at the Pearl Market

The Pearl Market was amazing! I left with 3 knock-off designer bags, a designer wallet, jewelry containing jade, pearls and sterling silver, sandals, a dress and a few other gifts all for less than $150! I have never been so exhausted after shopping and was quite proud of my bargaining skills by the time I was finished. I love my Tori Birch Bags and new rings! ^-^

The Pearl Market was amazing! I left with 3 knock-off designer bags, a designer wallet, jewelry containing jade, pearls and sterling silver, sandals, a dress and a few other gifts all for less than $150! I have never been so exhausted after shopping and was quite proud of my bargaining skills by the time I was finished. I love my Tori Birch Bags and new rings! ^-^

Nothing to Say

I haven't written since April 5th and I'm worried. I always have something to say. I always have some complex issue to analyze or some complicated emotion to put words to. There was a time when not writing meant things were going well. I would only turn to writing when I was upset or confused. I'm not sure why I'm not writing anymore, but I know it's not because I am blissfully happy either.

I've been thinking about happiness lately. What is happiness? What does it mean to me? When have I been happy in the past? What do I need to be happy? What is the difference between fulfillment and happiness? Happiness and fun? Happiness and peace?

I don't feel unhappy. Most of my time is spent teaching, talking, smiling and laughing with other people. I am grateful for my life and enjoy the rich experiences I have on a daily basis. I am constantly reminded of the beauty of this earth and the goodness of humanity. Although, sometimes I still struggle.

I struggle because I feel directionless. I struggle because what used to matter so much to me, doesn't seem to matter anymore. I'm not sure what to care about and what to let be. I strangely am able to befriend every stranger, but guard my heart with high concrete walls and barbed wire. I don't trust men. I shy away from even the thought of a relationship, although feel a tinge of jealousy toward my friends that call their spouse their best friend and treat them as such. I would like a meaningful, fulfilling relationship but am convinced I'm not ready for one. I think I am too broken to even try.

I don't know what needs to be repaired. I don't know where to begin and most importantly, I don't know if I want things to change yet. Life is not meaningful or fulfilling right now, but at least it doesn't hurt. There is no room for disappointment. I sometimes look at myself and feel like a coward. Why aren't I stronger? Why can't I just get over things and move on? But where do I go? What do I want? The questions are very broad and difficult to answer. My opinions change each day. I haven't been writing because there haven't been any break throughs. I haven't learned or felt anything new. One day easily fades into the next. Life is full of great things, but somehow lacks the excitement and color it once possessed. Am I just old and jaded or is this part of healing? Am I healing or just developing bad habits? I don't know.