Last night I went and saw a movie called "Inception" with a friend. The movie was about dreams and a subplot focused on a characters inability to decipher between what was reality and what was not. The character got so caught up in her dream world with the people she loved, she lost a grip on reality.
This idea struck a chord with me. Last night my dreams were filled with happy memories. They took me back to a time and place where I loved and was loved in return. Back to the time when I loved so deeply, that even the idea of being apart was painful. I liked that time. I liked the smiles, the familiar phrases, the spontaneous laughter, and the excitement for a future together.
Part of me wishes I didn't wake up today. I wish I could have stayed in that dream world a little longer. Another part of me wishes my subconscious would stop reminding me that I still care.
Waking up from this world is really hard. Being reminded of reality when how things were and should have been is just a dream away makes you feel like you've relived the whole experience in the split second between sleep and awake. It is an emotionally draining way to start your day.
I worry that I am starting to forget the injustices and the "fundamental differences". Forgetting the bad is leaving me with more pronounced memories of the good and I feel incredibly vulnerable.
I have a good life now. It's filled with people that love me, independence, and self-awareness. I thought this new and good life would help me to stop missing the past, but the constant and subtle ache lingers. I miss the little things. I miss Crate and Barrel glasses stacked along side the bed...
I need to stay away from this dream world. I need to remember the disregard and deception. I cannot romanticize the past and hope to move forward.
I need to wake up. Wake up when I am weak. Wake up when I wonder or wish to go back to the way things were. Wake up from the peaceful reality of my dreams so I can more diligently create a reality worth dreaming about.
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