I am not sure where to begin. I have been ignoring myself for a long time now. It is so easy to be distracted when there are always friends, parties and the world wide web around. I feel really out of sync with who I am. I am not sure what I want or what I believe anymore. Or maybe it is not that I am not sure, but I have been ignoring it for a long time. I have stopped thinking about the future and have been living in the moment. The problem is, when you live in the moment you only experience the emotion of that moment. Your emotions are so much more shallow because you don't have hope, you don't have a plan, you don't have a foundation. The shallow emotion is attractive. It is easier. It is so much work to be emotionally aware. It hurts to constantly be self evaluating, realizing what needs to change and then actually following through and fixing things. I feel like I am loosing my ability to change. I used to view myself as someone with tenacity, self discipline, and character. Now I'm not sure. I feel like I can be blown where ever the wing takes me.
I feel really alone. I sometimes miss Tyler. Should I be embarrassed that I still love him? It doesn't make sense because I don't think he ever really got me. I think I miss him because there is safety in knowing once upon a time I trusted someone. Although that belief was proven wrong, I think I associate that ability to be open and trusting, with Tyler. I miss parts of who I was when I was with him. I am scared to even believe I can give of myself to someone again. Again, I don't understand why. I got through rejection once before, I could probably get through it again. Overcoming this fear is essential. Not because I want a relationship now but because hope seems to be a package deal for me. If I can't hope in finding someone who I can love and who will love me in return, then I can't hope in marriage, families, stability, etc. Nothing really matters when you don't have hope. Se la vie; eat, drink and be merry; carpe diem. Days can be filled with adventures, laughter and intellect, but the next morning those things are gone and you have to come up with something or someone else to make the day rich. I want everyday to be rich again.
The few moments when I choose to be honest with myself I know exactly what I want and it stings. It stings because I was so close to having it and because it now feels so far away.
I'm going to work on hope for now. I'm going to start thinking about the future and believing that my future can be filled with good things. I'm going to risk trusting again. I'm going to believe I can try again and it will turn out better.
2 comments:
what a beautiful and honest post. so eloquent and well written.
i know you may not see or feel so, but this type of reasoning and poetic spin of life reminds me of the "shannon circa 2005".
if you haven't already, you should probably get started on that memoir you wanted to write, no?
Shannon,
You are a remarkable and gifted person. Don't let the gnawing from life's challenges dissolve belief and hope. The yin and yang in life is constant. It is a fight where choices made result in sacrifice in one form or another. It is unfortunate at times that the choices we make can hurt those around us - unfortunately you were the one hurt. It feels so unfair to give all of one's self only to be left feeling discarded. You have a brother that has gone through the same - discarded by the world, and even some of his closest disciples, and forsaken on a cross only to be disgraced publicly for us. Two thoughts I will share:
"The word which came to Jeremiah from the Lord, saying, Arise, and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will cause thee to hear my words. Then I went down to the potter’s house, and, behold, he wrought a work on the wheels. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it.
Then the word of the Lord came to me, saying, O house of Israel, cannot I do with you as this apotter? saith the Lord. Behold, as the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are ye in mine hand, O house of Israel."
and...
"Be thou humble and the Lord thy God will lead thee by the hand and give thee answer to thy prayers."
While the world will gnaw at hope and belief continue to reach out and take His hand and your prayers will be answered in time, and as with the vessel, your heart and spirit will be mended and shaped by hope, belief and promise.
Yours truly,
An anonymous ShannyCakes fan.
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