I've never been an angry person. Yes, my brothers and some of the boys of my youth knew how to get a rise out of me, but I usually would deal with such situations by avoiding or fleeing the scene of discomfort. Once away from the situation, I would quickly get over the offenses and resume to my generally pleasant disposition.
After my divorce many people spoke of anger. They advised me not to be angry and I remember thinking, I'm not angry, I'm heartbroken! And I was heartbroken. I was shocked by the rejection and devastated that I was loosing much of what was important to me.
Today, I realized I am angry. Last year I was plagued with bad dreams. Dreams that would creep into my conscious early in the morning, leaving me to wake up to renewed feelings of rejection and pits in my stomach. These dreams subsided last summer. A sure sign that I was moving on. I haven't had a rejection dream in months, until this morning. There I was again. Offering all I could give and being told it wasn't wanted. Trapped. Unable run away from the rejection. I had to stand and listen, with shattered pride that I wasn't enough, and ashamed because I cared.
This morning I woke up angry. I shouldn't be having these dreams anymore! I rarely think about my ex, I don't wish to be with him again and have a really exciting single life. This dream and anger has had me feeling icky (for lack of a better word) all day.
Ultimately I want to be happy. I want to be industrious, charitable, fulfilled, loving and loved. I don't know how to be those things right now. I don't know what needs to be healed or how to heal any faster. I don't want to have dreams that recall feelings of pain.
In the rare moments, when I am completely honest with myself, there is a child inside of me kicking and screaming, "It isn't fair!" I feel stupid admitting such feelings. No one cares whether or not your life is fair. What is fair? And who, if anyone, can honestly feel that the balances of justice have been perfectly matched when they look at their life? Life isn't fair. It's full of unwarranted tragedies and hardships. Stating the fact doesn't change anything and just makes you feel ungrateful. Today I realized that screaming child doesn't want justice, she's just angry.
I didn't realize I was angry until now because other than that screaming child who is usually buried so deep I can't hear her, I haven't felt the emotions most people associate with anger. My blood doesn't boil, my fist aren't clenched.
Today I recognized that my anger manifests itself in avoidance.
I'm angry at Tyler. I'm angry at the religious institution that led us to believe marriage at 21 was a good idea. I'm angry at Allen Edmond shoes, UFC fighting, and motorcycles. I'm angry at New York. I'm angry at gas stoves, safe suburban neighborhoods, pretty pleasantville homes, new moms and sweet babies. I'm angry at marriage and divorce, relationships and being alone.
I avoid these things because I don't want to hear that upset child inside of me. I don't know how to appease her. The past won't change. All I can do is hope the future will be different. I live in a dual world. I spend my time avoiding many of the things that are the most important to me. It creates a confusion of emotions and desires. Other than writing and running, I don't know what more to do.
5 comments:
Anger can be good because like you told me it helps us understand we are still alive and only human, start a angery blog, maybe pick up kick boxing ( I've been thinking of that) haha.
Love you bunches!
Shannon. I love reading your blog. I don't know if I told you, but I'm going to London for a semester. We need to catch up sometime soon. Continue to be an influence for good in this world! You are loved.
Megan
Wow Shannon, I really enjoyed reading these comments and thoughts. What you’re describing sort of reminds me of a book I’m reading right now of a cancer survivor, and her experiences with some of her peers who struggled with cancer the same time she did. If you’re interested, here’s a pretty good review of the book, “Smile or Die,” by Barabara Ehrenreich. http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2010/jan/09/barbara-ehrenreich-smile-lucy-ellmann. In the context of her battle against cancer, she explores how socially the promotion of some positive thinking can be harmful and misleading to the individual, and can oftentimes produce disappointing results. This is a generalization of her position, and I haven’t read the specific solutions she proposes yet, but it just reminds me a little of what you’re describing. Much like your comment of, “What is fair? And who, if anyone, can honestly feel that the balances of justice have been perfectly matched when they look at their life? Life isn't fair. It's full of unwarranted tragedies and hardships,” the author comes to a similar realization during her battle with cancer, and recognizes the harm and abuse from all the cheerleaders of what cancer had personally taught them (even if they were already terminally on their death bed). So she addresses the misguided proselytizing of positive thinking in face of cancer in her experience, and then applies her arguments to a more macro level with American culture, norms, and trends. There are times in her book where she tells her enthusiastic cancer peers to simply “shut up” and leave her alone, and claims her right to go about her struggle with cancer in her own way and on her own path. So far, her point is that her own path is more sober, more authentic and mature, less socially controlled and more controlled by herself. She also argues that being more accepting of her surrounding reality is exactly what she needed to cope. So after surviving cancer, she then spins her experiences into a critique of this “positive-thinking cancer camp” that refuses to fight cancer without constantly bombarding the life-threatening disease with positive thinking, and how they error when they judge other cancer patients who aren’t quite as enthusiastic as they are.
Anyway, hope this can make sense and isn’t confusing. Your blog just reminded me a little of this book I'm reading.
I’m not going to say that being angry can be good without saying it can of course equally be harmful, but in your case I’m willing to bet it’s the former and not the latter. And in that case, hopefully it can also be healing.
Love you Shannon. It’s been too long! We’ll have to catch up before the babies come.
Ryan
Sometimes I think that just admitting we're angry and thinking through it enough to be able to write it down is the best we can do. You are amazing!
you can be angry now, but lets avoid the anger when I'm there visiting you, K? I want to PLAY with my sis :-) Love reading your blog as always and can't wait to have late night girl chats with you in a few days.....
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