One Little Life

Who would have thought all the pains and challenges of adulthood would actually affect us? A few years ago, I didn't believe it. I thought, 'I'm a good person, doing what I'm supposed to. I keep myself pure and even naive to the ugliness of the world. I'll be blessed. Because I keep myself away from the ugliness, it will stay away from me too.' Life sets in and we find that a desire to avoid the ugliness of the world is not reciprocal. Painful, ugly things creep in regardless of who we are or what we do. And that recognition is crushing! I did everything right! I wasn't supposed to hurt! I fought my hardest fight! Why am I still loosing? How can I learn to put all my faith and hope into something again when I now know what it feels like to loose everything I was fighting for? My life took an unpredictable path when I was 24 and I am finally okay with that. It's influenced who I am now for better and worse. Honestly, I'm still trying to make sense of our existence. I try to love life, love people and trust. I try to set high goals, work hard and be a good person. But sometimes I look around and think, "The gods must be crazy!". I can't help but occasionally imagine them sitting around that checkerboard of the world and just screwing with us. Then those seminary verses pop up, "Adam fell, that man might be, and man are that they might have joy." "This is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of men." And I find myself bouncing back and forth between belief, disbelief, hope and disillusionment.

I've accepted that in life, there is pain. We are going to have challenges that feel overwhelming. If God needs to throw more obstacles my way, that's fine. I'll deal with it. In some moments I don't really care if I'm good enough for Him. I just want to be good enough for me and for the people I know and love. Life is hard but I know I can slowly dig through the challenges. I believe in my ability to see the beauty and the goodness of mankind even when I am drowning in difficult things. I may become a little hardened with each disappointment, but I can face heartbreak. I probably even deserve some of them! 

Today, my heart is broken for my friend. I prepared my heart to face personal disappointments. I wasn't prepared for my friend's disappointments. She doesn't deserve to hurt. I want to take away her pain. I don't want her to feel empty. She was there for me when I was hurting. She spoke with maturity and hope. She listened and didn't try to rush my healing process. I've seen her fight for 7 months with the determination you read about in survival novels. She had deep resources of energy and poured every ounce of her soul into the fight. She believed and fought and believed some more. Today, she aches. Everything feels empty. But she keeps believing. Even at her lowest moment, this friend remains an example to me.

We all have challenges. It is how we overcome our challenges and still keep our integrity and hope that is the real test. To my friend: I ache with you. I love you. I look up to you. A friend gave me some advice when all seemed to be lost. She said, "You've dug deep, but this is when the real drilling begins."  Allow for moments of weakness, but don't forget your strength. Be angry if you need, but hold on to that gift of hope and assurance you've shared. Mourn for you lose, but take comfort in how many people have been touched and blessed by the one little life you shared. Ani and Ruby my thoughts are constantly with you. Thanks for your strength and example.