Each Weed Was a Singular Knife

I am writing this post because I am ready to place a few answers to the questions many of my loved ones have politely refrained from asking; all of which have to do with my religious beliefs and commitment to the LDS church. 

I started to take a step away from the LDS Church back in September. For whatever reason I could not disassociate the negative feelings I had from my divorce with the Church. I would go to church and feel uneasy and upset. I stopped attending the temple around that time and it is a decision I have not regretted. I believe in the sanctity of the temple and at a time when I could barely understand and keep my baptismal covenants, I felt the covenants of the temple placed an expectation on me that I was unable to live up to. I was confused about what I believed and I felt like a liar having an outward representation that I had serious covenants with God when I felt I did not have that relationship. I wish to express that it was not due to unworthiness or a wish to be unworthy that I stopped attending the temple. I just felt like I needed to go back to the basics and determine my beliefs. I look forward to exploring my religious commitment and to decide for myself if I would like to take on higher covenants with God in the future. If I have a desire to return to the temple, it will be because that is what I want for myself, uninfluenced by another person or situation. It will be due to a representation of spiritual growth and a desire to be closer to God. I am not there yet. I am not sure if I want to be there in the future. But my relationship with God has improved since then and I am grateful for that. 

Being in Korea has given me time to think about my beliefs away from the expectations of my loved ones and a mormon driven culture. I've been able to interact with people of different faiths, and learn of different value systems and beliefs. I've discovered there are many ways to be a good person. I've questioned whether or not I personally need the Church to be a good person and I've learned that the answer to that question is no. There was a time I thought that if I wasn't following every teaching and commandment of the Church I would loose all my morals and be lost to the world. I have found that even without the Church I can still have a relationship with God and be a compassionate, moral person. 

With that said, after taking some time away from the Church in an organizational sense, I am starting to discover what I miss due to...the dreaded word...my inactivity. The world is a very frightening place right now. A recent interaction with a deployed navy pilot has made that realization all the more real and has left my heart aching over the suffering and wickedness that fills the news. I have found that although I can still be a good person without the Church, I miss the good news of the gospel and the hope it provides when it seems like the odds are building up against humanity. 

My faith is frail and timid right now, but I am proud to say that a desire to have faith has returned. Honestly, life was so heavy for a little while, that I just needed time to deal with my emotions without worrying about the added complexity of a demanding religion. I intentionally took the month of March off of church to see if it would be missed. In recent weeks I have found myself praying on my knees and reading scripture and the words of modern day prophets with great interest. I am really grateful to find that these desires, although seemingly small, are genuine and come completely from within me.

Small miracles have happened on my behalf this week that will make it easier for me to get to church on a regular basis. I know that God is aware of me and that He loves me. I think he understands that I need this time to rebuild my trust and commitment to him. I am grateful for His patience and compassion.

This is where I am at. I am definitely on a path and I am slowly moving forward. I find comfort in the fact that I am less conflicted then I was six months ago and even a month ago. Some of my beliefs may be unorthodox but I stand by them because they are my own. It may not be much but I am grateful that I feel comfortable in my own skin when I speak of them.

As I contemplate the search for truth, I am often reminded of the words of Stephen Crane. This is a  poem that has been etched in my mind from the time I first read it at the age of 15:

The wayfarer, 

Perceiving the pathway to truth, 

Was struck with astonishment. 

It was thickly grown with weeds.

"Ha," he said,

"I see that no man has passed here
In a long time."
Later he saw that each weed
Was a singular knife.
"Well," he mumbled at last,
"Doubtless there are other roads."

Truth to me, is not discovered overnight and it is not nicely packaged in a manual or book. Truth, takes time, thought and experience. It's a difficult path to traverse because although there are countless people and places willing to tell you what is truth, ultimately belief in what is Truth must come from within. I may move slowly along this path, but I am not a wayfarer. I'm not interested in finding an easier road. I actually really enjoy the path I'm on. It feels good to be contemplative and genuine in my beliefs. It feels good to say I don't know and then find myself knowing a little bit more after some thought and faith.

Although there is sometimes tears and frustration, I am happy with who I am today and believe I will continue to be happy as long as I inch forward on my path to truth. 

Do They Come in Hot Pink?

If you're Korean, you wear glasses. I'm sure of it. This is a wonderful thing because it means there are optical stores everywhere and you can buy lenses and awesome frames for cheap, cheap, cheap! With the amount of time I spend on the computer and reading I've been getting some pretty bad headaches. Apparently my left eye is weaker than my right...I think...diagnosis is an interesting thing when you're relaying on a limited vocabulary and lots of body language! The headaches are annoying, but honestly, this was more of a fashion move than anything. One of my 8 year old students, Sara, has these cute little pink frames and everyday I teach her I'm envious!  So after my eye test, here's what I picked up, all for 150,000 wan or about $130!

I am usually a slow and methodical shopper, but sometimes I'm lucky and fall in love with something the second I see it. Such was the case for these hot pink and orange beauties. It truly was love at first sight! 

These glasses are not near as fun, but since the man working at the glasses store gave me such a great deal for both, I figured I'd go with something a little more conservative. Purples' my clutch color and is always a safe but somewhat unique choice for me. 

Haedong Yonggungsa Temple

Oh, how I love having weekdays off! For the month of March I wiggled my way into having Tuesday, Thursday and Sundays off because it's not fun working Saturdays! It's been great taking advantage of these days because many of the sites I like to see are less crowded and I'm fresh and alert in the morning. Today Nina and I went to Haedong Yonggungsa Temple, also known to foreigners as the water temple as it sits on cliffs overlooking the sea. This temple was first build in the 12th century, was destroyed by the Japanese in the 16th century and then was rebuilt in the 1930s or 1970s (I read both dates). It's become Busan's 2nd most famous temple, just behind Beomosa, and these pictures will help you understand why.

As you walk toward the temple there are statues of the 12 Korean/Chinese Zodiac animals.  The animals were once used to keep track of the year and time of the day. 

I was born in the year of the cow. And yes, as soon as I got home from the temple I began googling what cow people are like. Apparently if you were born in 1985 you are dedicated to your work, discrete, careful and conscientious, and value home and family. I'll take it!

One of the many buddhas. This temple is known for honoring the buddha goddess of mercy. I didn't know until today there were buddha goddesses. I'm not going to lie...it made me like buddhism even more!

Pagoda

These flank the steps walking down to the temple. They're pretty, huh?

View from above

I wear pink when I'm happy regardless of the season. This view was icing on an already wonderful day. 

Always up for an adventure when we're together and most of them end in ice cream. It's a pretty good thing we have going on. :D

Baby buddha's sending me all of their positive energy. 

Aren't they cute?

During significant times of the year the entire temple is strung with lanterns. You may notice the scaffolding in the pictures upon which they hang them. I'd love to go back when they hang and light the lanterns.

I once was told by a small Asian lady working at Cold Stone in Irvine that golden pigs would bring me good luck. My luck turned sour for a time and golden pigs became an annoying reminder of the misfortune. I think the golden pig is on my side again. I am lucky. Plus, who can find disfavor in that chubby, smiling face? 

Do you see that buddha with the black nose and belly (ko and bae - so proud I know 2 Korean words!)? Apparently if you are pregnant or wanting to get pregnant and want a son, you should come to Korean and rub that buddha! No reports on whether or not it works, but I steered clear just in case. I'll have daughters, but sons, Buddha please, give me none! 

Temple friendship bracelets! Mine has a tiny cow buddha and Nina's has a tiny dog buddha.  Another thing to bring us goodluck. Lucky, lucky, you're so lucky! 

I LOVE this statue. I don't know why, but I want it in my garden or  foyer or bedroom!  I find it intimate, simple and beautiful. 

Waeguk in Korea

My blogging has seriously suffered while I've been in Korea, so I figured I'll start posting and describing a few pictures from time to time as a way to remember the highlights. 

This is my BFIK, best friend in Korea, Nina. I met this gem a few weeks after getting to Korea and it was love at first sight. We spend most of our socializing time together and call each other daily, just to see how things are going.  She's a good, loyal friend and I can't wait to move closer to her!

I've been lucky to meet a group of waeguks (korean word for foreigner) that love to play beach volleyball. It's still a little cold, but that hasn't prevented me from getting in on a few games! 

Anytime I can get to the beach, I'm there. Soaking up the sun,  people watching, reading a book, talking with friends, it doesn't matter. The ocean just makes me happy!

Sometimes I enjoy live music. It helps to know what's going on when your BFIK is an amazing singer .

I've met some good friends that are interested in volunteering in the community. Here we are at a fundraiser for a  local women's shelter. 

This is overlooking my city. Jeonggwan myeon, Gijang-gun, Busan, South Korea. 

My most playful, fun and difficult students. Nothing tries your patience more than teaching two  rowdy 5 year old boys that don't speak your language! Somedays my creativity is stretched to the limit and other days I just laugh and laugh with these kids. 

They are pretty cute though, right?

Soloing at a Noraebang

Singing with my Jeonggwan girls!

That's a pikachu with a microphone. 

I have loved Korean food with the exception of this little booger.  It's called bundaegi and is a popular Korean snack food. It's a roasted silkworm pupae. It wasn't awful, but I wouldn't consider something that tasted like dirt a snack!

We were completely shocked at how good these cookies turned out for our bake sale considering it took us over an hour to find proper ingredients at HomePlus, many of which weren't really what they should have been!

This is the kind of Korean food I love.  Samgyeopsal is pork that you grill at your table and then eat wrapped in different lettuce leaves. The side dishes of kimchi, radishes, pickles, nuts, egg, soups, and fish are great too. 

Trick Art Exhibit with friends...hilarious!

Still never missing an opportunity to dance.

Jimjillbang and Soo Casa - A Week of Indulgence

Shinsegae: Spaland inside the glass windows. 

Last week was Korea's pre-Independence Day, similar to Memorial Day, so I had work off. I have been wanting to go to the Jjimjilbang for a while and finally has my chance to go. I went to Spaland, apparently one of the nicest Jjimjilbangs in Korea, which is in Shinsegae, the largest shopping mall in Korea, and it was fantastic! Okay, so I had no idea what to expect so I'll describe everything.

I met my friend Erica at 3pm. We paid the entrance fee, 12,000wan (about $12), were given a locker assignment, and lounge ware and headed in. All men and women dress the same once inside the spa. After dropping off our shoes we went to the locker room and undressed. 

Digital interpretation of the baths. They are more beautiful in person.
The Jjimjilbang has two main areas. We went to the baths first which are separated by gender. The locker room and baths were beautiful and full of energy. There were women of all ages and sizes (although we were the only foreigners) chatting, lounging in varying temperatures of pools, washing their hair, scrubbing each others backs, enjoying the sauna, etc. It was so interesting to me because Koreans are usually very quiet in public places. I have been 'shushed' more than once for talking too much on a subway or bus. I expected this reserved social attitude to extend to all parts of public Korean culture, but in the baths it wasn't so. It was just a bunch of women together bathing and laughing. It was relaxed, accepting and enjoyable. I also found it interesting that for such a modest culture, there was almost complete comfort and acceptance of nudity. While in the baths, Erica and I paid for the special treatment of getting our whole bodies rubbed down with pumicing gloves by and an old ajjima (word for married Korean woman) wearing nothing but what resembled a black bikini. The reason Koreans do this is to get all the dead skin off their bodies, and I do not think I have ever been as clean as I was after my pumicing treatment! At times it was really painful and I thought I would come out of it naked and raw, but at the end I felt great. After lounging in a few more pools we went back to the locker rooms, put on our borrowed clothing (knee length canvas shorts and maroon tops) and went out to the co-ed saunas and relaxing areas. 

Coed lounging are

This showed me a part of Korean culture I have yet to see...that part where Koreans actually let their hair hang down, laugh, publicly hold hands, play cards and just relax! There were windows a few stories high letting in natural light, there were lounge chairs taken up by couples and friends resting, enjoying ice cream or a good book. Then there were at least 10 different sauna rooms with varying themes, temperatures and appeals. Argh! It's so hard to describe everything well. One of the sauna's was made of a mosaic of dark blue stones, another had a warm, smooth marble platform that you would lie on. Everything was clean and warm and the environment was so inviting! It was exactly what I needed. 

One of the many coed saunas

Lately I've been feeling like Korea is quickly aging me and I am not thrilled about it! I'm not used to being out in dry cold winds all the time. I'm not used to the cuisine. I have also been a little sick the past few weeks and I haven't recovered from a knee injury I acquire almost a month ago. I keep trying to go running but it's gotten to the point that I am going to see a doctor about it. :/ Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and it'll miraculously be healed so I can train for that half...In any case, a little pampering yesterday went a long way. 

I also went to a place called Soo Casa last week and got a perm! Perms and bangs are really popular among Koreans so I decided to choose the former. Soo is a Busan native that lived in Canada for 6 years and specializes in doing foreigners hair. She did an excellent job and I really enjoyed socializing and reading trashy US magazines for the 3 hour process. Life in Korea is starting for feel a little more comfortable AND it should start to warm up soon, which I cannot wait for! 

Sometimes I Just Feel Sad

Sometimes I just feel sad. I think it's part of my nature to wake up on occasion and be melancholy without warning or reason. Sometimes it feels good to feel sad. I have been blessed with a very good life. There have been few things I have ever been in want of that I couldn't have and nothing I have been in need of has been withheld from me. Such a blessed life can leave one feeling like they must be happy all the time. Some philosophies and opinions would have you feeling guilty and ungrateful for being sad when you have so much. I disagree with that belief. I love feeling happy and fulfilled, but I also like feeling the dull ache and hollowness of sorrow, loneliness and pain. It makes me feel human. It makes me feel that although my life is good, I still can have compassion for people whose lives are difficult right now. I don't want to sit around happy all the time while others are in sorrow. I don't want to build up a false reality that everything is fine because I'm fine, when there are so many things that are not fine in the world. I want to feel for those who have lost their homes to earthquakes and floods. I want to feel for those who have had loved ones taken from them prematurely. I want to feel for those who are left homeless, neglected, manipulated, abused, betrayed, and hopeless. I want to mourn with them and for them. I want to be in tune enough with humanity that I can offer that comfort that words cannot comprehend. The comfort that doesn't rely on encouragements, excuses or justifications. The comfort that accepts the situation for what it is and accepts your need to just swim in your sorrows for a moment.

Tonight I feel good because I feel sad. I am grateful the small bit of compassion I came with has not been lost to the self-preservation of adulthood. Just because you've been hurt, doesn't mean that other people's hurt doesn't matter.

Still Writing

My blog has taken the backseat the past month or so because much of my writing has been specifically written for someone, rather than the general public, meaning the handful of people that read my blog. I love my blog because of its accessibility and timelessness. I have found myself browsing through past entries at random times and places and enjoy remembering and assessing my situation through contemplating my past. 

I have spent multiple hours a week writing about Korea and don't want those memories to be lost, but don't have the time to rewrite them all. I am going to start copying a pasting thoughts, feelings and experiences that have already been written. It will be kind of rough, but it's better then nothing! 

January 19th:

I didn't work this weekend. On Friday I went to Kyunsung again with Nina (that is the neighborhood where I met you at open mic) and we went to a few bars and a Korean club. We had a really fun time dancing and meeting new people. We're both relatively new to Busan and it's nice that we know one another and have common interest. Saturday morning I was supposed to go on a hike, but this terribly unfriendly wind that has been reeking havoc on Busan caused my little hiking group to just grab breakfast together instead. Later I met Nina at Sinseqae, and we shopped around a bit and had some really good pad thai noodles. This morning I went to church and will probably go into Jangsan or Haeundae in a few hours to meet up with friends. The only downfall of the weekend was not having a proper dance partner on Friday and the cold winds! My pipes froze last night and I still don't have running water! Ugg! I maybe sleeping at a friend's house again tonight so I can get a hot shower in the morning.

I work M-F from 1:30-8/9 pm depending on the day. My hugwan just opened January 3rd and we are only about 1/3 filled to capacity so I don't teach as often as I hopefully will be in the future. I teach 6 classes MWF and 2 TTH. The ages vary from 5-15 and the class sizes are very small. Compared to my job in the states, the teaching is not very demanding because I don't really have to prepare my own lesson plans and have very little grading. It's pretty sweet because I have time in the morning to further my career but still get the fulfillment I enjoy from working with students. I think it's a good fit for me for a year. 

Hugwan is an after-school school. It's a private business more than a school. Learning English is very important to Koreans, so parents invest a lot of money in their children's education from a young age. Many kids from the time they are 8 or 9 are in school and hugwan from 8am till 10pm. It's a hard life for these kids, but a pretty good life for the foreign teachers that are in demand! I usually wake up around 8 or 9, leisurely check my emails, go for a run, clean my apartment, walk to the grocery store or coffee shop and get to work by 1:30. I actually really dislike idle time so I just signed up for an online TESOL credentialing program to fill my mornings with. I love to learn and love education. Hopefully this program will improve my teaching while I'm here and improve my work opportunities when I move back to the states. It's not easy being a teacher in America right now...especially in California. It sucks because there are a lot of really good teachers that are out of work because the government can't figure out a system that works! Oh well - I'm glad I'm here for now :). 

February 1st

It's Saturday night and I am taking a break from a fabulous weekend. The

weekend has been fairly normal by a Busan foreigners standard, but so

wonderful because I am lucky to have found such great friends in the short

time I've lived here.

Last night I headed to Jangsan for some much anticipated and needed girl

time with Nina. She has been dying to hear about our weekend and see

pictures of KL. We went to the best bulgogi (korean beef bbq) restaurant I

have been to so far and just enjoyed eating and talking. She selflessly

indulged me as she listened through my excitement and smiles. I think you

are actually good for her as you are for me. Nina is a good person to the

core, willing to give anything to her friends and the people she loves. I

think she has had friends and guys take advantage of her big heart in the

past and it's been discouraging to her. Your example gives her hope that

there are guys out there worth keeping true to her beliefs and morals.

This morning our hiking group hiked up and over the mountain the Beomosa

Temple is on. I saw the temple but didn't spend much time there because I

needed to keep moving to prevent from freezing to death! I plan on staying a

night at the temple once it gets warmer and having more time for some

reverence and contemplation. The hike was great. We pretty much bouldered up

to the top and the stopped at a little mountain hut for some kimchi and tofu

on the way down.

Tonight my friend Michelle and I got some "Mexican" food at a place called

Hello Kimchi (funny, huh?) and then watched the movie "King's Speech". Have

you seen it? It's up/was up (I can't keep track of time anymore...I have no

idea what is yesterday's, today's or tomorrow's news!) for 12 academy

awards. I thoroughly enjoyed it and recommend it if you haven't already seen

it.

February 4th

Happy Lunar New Year! I only had a two day work week this week because of the Korean New Year, which is probably the most important holiday in Korea.

My week has been great. Monthly evaluations needed to be finished by Monday, so I was busy last week getting those complete and preparing for the next month of instruction. My students are always wonderful. They well behaved, kind and often times make me laugh even with the language barrier.

Yesterday, (Wednesday) I went to one of my Korean colleague's homes to help her prepare food for the New Year. We made Pandetta, which is a traditional North Korean dish, and then went shopping. I got a few little things to send my nephew for his upcoming 6th birthday. I'm not bad about buying gifts or cards, but I am really bad about getting to the post office...hopefully I'll be better and actually get them to him! 

Last night I met up with Nina and we went to open mic and then another bar, Kino Eye, to dance for a bit. I had a great time! I just love to dance :)

We ended the night early so I could wake up for a hike this morning. I, of course, slept in till the last moment, checked my email and was pleased to see something from you, decided I couldn't leave without a quick shower...and ended up putting my shoes on in the elevator and running all the way to Starbucks to meet up with our group. The hike was beautiful. The weather has finally warmed up a bit and it was amazing to just feel the sun on my face again. We saw two temples, a waterfall and few incredible views of Busan. By the time we were finished, I was spent! I came back to Nina's, showered and took a little nap. Tonight Nina and I enjoyed some really good Mexican food and came home for a chick flick. It's been a solid New Year's Day! 

February 7th

Happy New Year to you! Seeing as it is the Korean New Year, I don't have any resolutions. I think that is primarily a western tradition...one that I actually forgot to participate in this year. Maybe I'll come up with some resolutions for Valentine's Day since my holidays and habits are all mixed up anyway! 

The Lunar New Year in Korea is all about being with family and respecting your elders and ancestors. It is tradition for families to visit their husband's parents. The women spend much of the days prior to the New Year cooking traditional Korean foods. On the New Year rites/rituals are performed for ancestors. Children also bow to their elders and are often given red envelopes with money in return. The traditional dress, called the hanbok, is also commonly worn. I was on a hike during the holiday, but I did see some people out and about in their hanboks and am excited to talk to my students on Monday about how their holiday went. It is also a time to give gifts. One of my students gave me a gift set with toothpaste, soap and shampoos and my director gave me a large supply of red ginseng extract. I've gathered it's a time to wish people good health...I am supposed to drink the ginseng 1-3x a day to strengthen my immune system, warm my hands and feet, give me energy, etc. Maybe it will also help reverse the effects of all the lung pollution I am acquiring here! 

I really am enjoying my time in Korea. I don't think I could have chosen a better time in my life to do something like this. I am taking advantage of every opportunity and living life to the fullest. I have only been here 6 weeks and have hiked 3 mountains, seen 4 temples, and been to every major shopping area and beach in Busan. I have also been able to discover a few smaller neighborhoods, trails and harbors that are off the beaten path. I have met foreigners and Koreans that I already care deeply for. I am excited to continue to explore this country and culture and see its beauty in all of the seasons.

February 12th

I've been very ponderous this week. Such moments are often filled with confusion about my religious upbringing, my marital experience within the Church and how to be a good person now. I feel like I am living in a dual world. I am unwilling to be completely committed to my church again because I feel like I was misled and hurt by the culture and organization of it, but I am still deeply committed to the fundamental Christian teachings of the LDS religion. The problem is the LDS church is not a pick and choose religion. I feel like I either need to be all in or all out. This is something that will weigh deeply on mind until I can find the right fit for me. I don't like thinking about such things because the only answer lies in faith in a god I'm afraid to trust again, but I can't deny that religion is very much a part of who I am. My marriage leading up to my divorce was stressful. I was trying so hard to hold all the demands of my life together, to keep everyone happy, while my ex was trying to tear everything down. After, I went through a me phrase. If something or someone caused me stress, I didn't have room for it in my life. I couldn't be bothered. (That's why I mentioned my selfishness in the past). It's been a year since the divorce and it is time to move past the me phase and slowly deal with the two things that cause confusion and stress, religion and relationships. Aside from an interesting career opportunity, I came to Korea with the intent to figure these things out away from the distractions and influences of home. I tell you these things because they are a big part of who I am right now...and like I said, I like to be understood. 

This week has also been stressful because I have been dealing with the untrustworthy sort of men. I've had someone leaving newspapers on my door with "I love you" written across them and then was flashed by an old man yesterday. The combination left me feeling very unsafe and frightened. When I trust someone, I eagerly invite them into almost every part of my life, but I am terribly protective when it comes to strangers. I don't like people to know where I live, when I go to work, etc. The city I live in is a new suburb of Busan and is fairly small. There are only a few foreigners and in such a homogeneous country, we stand out making that desired ambiguity difficult to keep. In any case, I spoke to my director yesterday and things have more or less been sorted out. I have had such good experiences with the Korean people up until now, that it was probably good that I have a wake up call, just as a reminder to keep up my guard. Although, I hate being shaken by such reminders. I wish I could live in a world where everyone was as trustworthy as I foolishly expect them to be! 

There has been good news this week. My brother-in-law and my little brother both found jobs after being unemployed for almost 6 months! You can imagine the stress the unemployment was playing on family relationships and we are all so grateful that their confidence will be restored again as they contribute to their family, in Josh's case, and society, in Russell's case. Other good news, my friend just booked a ticket to come visit me! She is coming to Korea on April 28th and then we're going to go to Beijing around May 5th. I have some time off for Buddha's b-day and love having something to look forward too! I'm excited to host a friend and go see the Great Wall and Imperial Palace. 

I've started to go to work early to do a language exchange with one of the Korean teachers. By the time I see you next, I may be able to read hangul, order food and direct a taxi!