Family: Perspective Regained, Hope Restored

The next 5 days are going to be the longest 5 days in Korea. At the end of them, I'm flying from Gimhae to Beijing, hanging out in the facebook-prohibited Beijing airport for 6 hours and then boarding a plane for LAX. At 9pm on Saturday, July 23rd I'm going to be in America, seeing my family, and I can't wait!

I have really enjoyed my time in Korea so far. I have learned so much about different cultures and people. I have made some really good friends and have learned how to identify the people that are uplifting. I have seen world wonders and experienced collective society living. Korea is a loving, happy and comfortable place to live. The people are so kind and helpful. BUT, they're not my family and I'm ready to go home for a time.

When I left for Korea, I was ready to move on. There were no tears, fears or regrets at departing. I love my family and my country deeply, but I was ready to take on a completely new experience, alone. I've been amazed at how close I have stayed to my family members as I've been away. With some members, I actually feel even closer. I'm so grateful for Skype, facebook and email. I am able to communicate with my family in someway on a daily basis. Being in Korea has shown me what an amazing family I have. They really care about me. They really love me. They make themselves available to talk and listen even when we have this strange time difference. They send me emails, post pictures of their children for me to see, and keep me informed on what's going on in their lives. They're interested in my life and want to hear about my experiences. The relationship they hold with me is completely selfless. They don't expect anything in return for their time. They truly just want to see me happy. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude when I recognize the deep bond I have with my family members. They are the most important thing in my life.

I needed this time away to remember the importance of family. I was so upset when I lost my potential family that I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want to believe that family was important because emotionally I couldn't deal with starting over and trying again. I wanted to believe that I could live a happy and meaningful life without relying on anyone. It felt so much safer. I've lived alone for over a year now and still hate it! I love being with people. I love meaningful relationships. I love having people in your life that you can say anything and nothing to. People who I can thoughtlessly hold hands with and give hugs too. Family is home. It's a place that is safe and loving. A place where selfishness doesn't exist. It's a place of unity and encouragement.

The strong positive feelings from such a union as family, also come with strong negative emotions when families are broken. Those emotions can bulldoze you into believing that family is not worth fighting for. For a while I was very nearsighted in my views on family. I kept focusing on my little family that didn't work out and allowed myself to be disillusioned about the concept of family. I'm so grateful my perspective has changed. I am so grateful to have parents that love each other and made it their life work to raise children that also know how to love each other. I still may not be ready to find someone to settle down with, but I have a better idea of what I'm looking for. I like ambition, passion, romance, etc. when it comes to finding a companion, but I now realize that the most important thing is to find someone who understands what family means and is committed to creating one that is selfless and successful.

I believe again that family is worth fighting for. My hope is returning that I can find someone who cares about creating a strong family as much as I do. I can't find the words to express how grateful I am for each member of my family (Aubrey Richardson and Kristen Hill included). Thank you for loving me when I wasn't very good at returning the love. Thank you for showing me that even though I fell off the horse, the ride that will follow is worth getting back on. I love you guys and can't wait to see you in 5 days!

Loneliness

Loneliness, I knew when things ended that you and I’d become friends. I’d known others whose lives were affected by their unwanted friendship with you. I wasn’t looking forward to getting to know you better, but knew you’d be a better friend than one who didn’t want to know me. This relationship between you and I is not really happy, not really fulfilling. It constantly leaves me wanting more. I sometimes laugh that I chose you. I often laugh when I continue to choose you.

Loneliness, you’re safe. I can trust you. You’re predictable. You’re honest to that insatiable, melancholy and solitary nature of yours. I’m not happy to know you. I didn’t grow up hoping to be your best friend. But I am proud that I’m strong enough to know you. 

Loneliness, people are really scared of you. So scared that they’ll give up pieces of themselves to fill the place where you belong.

Loneliness, I’m comfortable with you. I don’t want to be your friend forever, but won’t give you up for something that is not infinitely better.

Loneliness, I know you’ll always be there for me. Cheers to being life’s loyalist friend!

Some Things to Remember

Fear robs Dreams.

All these places feel like home.

It doesn't cost a penny to be polite.

Unavailability is a powerful aphrodisiac.

What makes us vulnerable makes us beautiful.

The key to love and belonging is feeling worthy of love.

Keep the outside world from messing with your inner peace.

A bad mood should be dealt with like bad breathe, don't inflict it on others.

We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day.

Faith means you don't know something but are at peace with the unknown.

True faith doesn't have to do with views, but acceptance of not knowing. 

If you truly understand suffering you can truly understand happiness. 

Those who are awake live in a state of constant amazement.

It is helpful to have pain, but in the end, pain is not helpful.

That which is aware of sadness is not sad. 

Be authentic right with where you are. 

Exercise the goodness inside of us.

Life is Messy!

Happy Birthday, Buddha!

Beijing!

My recent trip to Beijing was incredible. What an interesting, rich and dynamic city! I traveled with my friend Sugar and we stayed at a Hutong turned hostel/hotel for 4 nights. We were about a 15 minute taxi drive from the Forbidden City and Tiananmen Square. I hope to be able to write more about my impressions later, but here are a few highlights from the trip if I don't get around to it. 

We stayed at the Hutong Hostel and Inn. The staff there was really helpful and although it quite a nice hostel, I was really grateful for the shower curtain that made our bathroom a little more private. The hutong area is windy and confusing and the first few days we spent hours weaving through streets trying to find our little hotel!

We stayed at the Hutong Hostel and Inn. The staff there was really helpful and although it quite a nice hostel, I was really grateful for the shower curtain that made our bathroom a little more private. The hutong area is windy and confusing and the first few days we spent hours weaving through streets trying to find our little hotel! 

Tiananmen Square has two huge flat screen TVs  playing patriotic music and showing pleasant scenes of China. You have to go through a security check to enter the square. We are here with some friends I met on my flight from Seoul.

Tiananmen Square has two huge flat screen TVs  playing patriotic music and showing pleasant scenes of China. You have to go through a security check to enter the square. We are here with some friends I met on my flight from Seoul. 

Starfish? Scorpions? Urchins? Lamb testicles? Interesting to see, not interested in eating!

Starfish? Scorpions? Urchins? Lamb testicles? Interesting to see, not interested in eating! 

Our mild dish of veggies must have contained about 30 peppers. Our server gave us cups of water to dip the vegetables in before eating to get some of the spice off after expressing it was much to spicy to consume!

Our mild dish of veggies must have contained about 30 peppers. Our server gave us cups of water to dip the vegetables in before eating to get some of the spice off after expressing it was much to spicy to consume!

Goldfish symbolize good luck or good fortune and can be found in just about every structure. This strange one was at a park outside of the Forbidden Palace.

Goldfish symbolize good luck or good fortune and can be found in just about every structure. This strange one was at a park outside of the Forbidden Palace. 

I loved the artwork everywhere!

You laugh now, but after experiencing some of China's toilets, I am really grateful for a rating system. I am told I am lucky that at least most of the bathrooms have doors on the stalls. Apparently that's a recent addition. Thank you Beijing Olympics! 

The Forbidden City completely blew me away. I was not prepared for how massive and beautiful it was!

The Forbidden City completely blew me away. I was not prepared for how massive and beautiful it was!

Beihai Park

We took a gondola to a section of the Great Wall and I'm grateful we did. The mountains are really steep and I would have needed to commit an entire day to hiking (precious time I didn't have) just to reach the wall!

We took a gondola to a section of the Great Wall and I'm grateful we did. The mountains are really steep and I would have needed to commit an entire day to hiking (precious time I didn't have) just to reach the wall! 

This section of the wall continues to be in almost perfect condition. I can only imagine the manpower it took to build this wall and am surprised there were people motivated enough to cross those step mountains to continually attack the Han.

This section of the wall continues to be in almost perfect condition. I can only imagine the manpower it took to build this wall and am surprised there were people motivated enough to cross those step mountains to continually attack the Han.

This moment was probably the highlight of the trip. The parents of this child literally threw her into my arms for a photo with the two foreign girls at the Great Wall. She was so tiny and cute. I think I'll have enough pictures with random Asian children by the time I leave here to create a small book. I don't mind, I love children!

View from the top! I LOVED being in the mountains.

Jade factory. This ship was carved from a single piece of jade. 

These slippers were only about 3 inches long and are replicas of the slippers found when archeologist opened one of the Ming dynasty tombs.  

Beijing is known as a bicyclist city, and although there are many cars and buses now, there are separate lanes for cyclists which are constantly crowded with rickshaws and bicycles. I would never attempt to ride a bike in this city. It was complete chaos!

Temple of Heaven

All of the royal structures had door with 9 projections to symbolize power.

People in China completely adore their children...well...child!

Feng Shui at the Temple of Heaven

Xiabu, Xiabu at the Pearl Market

The Pearl Market was amazing! I left with 3 knock-off designer bags, a designer wallet, jewelry containing jade, pearls and sterling silver, sandals, a dress and a few other gifts all for less than $150! I have never been so exhausted after shopping and was quite proud of my bargaining skills by the time I was finished. I love my Tori Birch Bags and new rings! ^-^

The Pearl Market was amazing! I left with 3 knock-off designer bags, a designer wallet, jewelry containing jade, pearls and sterling silver, sandals, a dress and a few other gifts all for less than $150! I have never been so exhausted after shopping and was quite proud of my bargaining skills by the time I was finished. I love my Tori Birch Bags and new rings! ^-^