I Want Walden

I really enjoy blogging because it helps me organize an assortment of thoughts and feelings. Everything I write is for me, and a blog post carries a level of validation that I don't feel I can reach from a journal entry. . I am not looking for answers, sympathy, encouragement or anything from people who read my blog. Sometimes I just like putting things out there. It feels healthy and genuine to risk publishing something personal for public scrutiny, rather than keeping those important thoughts deeply entranched between pages of sloppy cursive, which I may or may not ever read again. With that said, there are a few things I have been going through lately that I just need to get down on paper.

I think my biggest realization lately is that I lack confidence in who I am and the potential of what I can become. It has been interesting experiencing these feelings because I used to be very different. I remember truly believing that I could do anything or be anyone I wanted to be. I felt important, unconquerable and needed. That belief for some reason has disappeared. Often times I think, I'm 24 and I have accomplished so little. I feel like I am behind or that I am failure. I give little credit to what I have accomplished, because there is no end result and I am leaving it all behind. (This must be what some people feel at retirement...What does it all amount to? Did I really make a difference? Am I a better person? Will this open doors for my future?). I have constant feelings of medicracy and I expect way more from myself. I know this is the point where you want to say, "You're not mediocre. Look at all you have done...etc," and I appreciate the support. Although right now the belief in my self worth needs to come from within.

I feel like I need to go down a new path of self discovery. I need to learn to trust myself again. I need to distinguish between what is truly me and what is me doing things to keep other people happy. I feel like I need to choose new, unexpected and challenging experience to put me to the test.

I need to go on a personal pilgrimage. I need to get rid of everything that ties me down (bills, career, family, friend and church expectations) and have an alone period of self discovery. I need to have the courage to do some self exploration. I need to be impractical for a little while to live and to love it.

I am tired of doing everything for everyone else. I am tired of wearing my game face. I am tired of half heartedly hoping that someone or something else will fix me. I have put so much emphasize on being okay and holding to my commitments, that I haven't given myself unrestricted time to really heal. I want to go somewhere and do something that will really test me. Something that will force me to look myself straight in the eye. I want to like what I see. I want to wear a bright orange robe. I want to live alone in the wilderness. I want Walden.

I don't want to be pragmatic anymore. I worry that if I just continue to move forward doing what I should be doing, I will loose myself.

I think if I take this path of self discovery, I will like what I find. I think I will be able to come out confident and secure. I think I will be able to then move on with the passion and commitment for future plans that I once had.