Jaded

I don’t like who I am right now. I don’t like being broken. I want to be confident. I want to feel like my life has a purpose again. I want to know exactly who I am and have faith in my worth. I want my passion for something and everything to override my pain and desire for a different future.
I know I need to turn to my Heavenly Father. I need to rely on his sweet assurance that all the thoughts that my life the past few months has led me to are not true. I need to trust that I can be healed, but more importantly I need to desire to be healed.

I think a large part of me doesn’t want to be healed. I want to be sad and hurt and jaded for a while longer. I am afraid if I give up these feelings that I will then be placing myself at risk of it happening all over again. I need to trust myself maybe above everything. I need to trust that I won’t just give all my love away to someone who won't value it. I need to trust that my situation is isolated. I just got a bad apple. I understand why people become jaded and cynical now. It is fear that drives them. Fear to put themselves out there again. Fear that they might have the same outcome as the first time.
I am choosing to be disillusioned and that is why I am unhappy. I am letting fear prevail over hope and trust. In a sense, I am pushing away my Heavenly Father and his power to lift my burden because I am afraid to hope again. This is not like me. I am an optimistic and hopeful person. I have great faith in the goodness of mankind. I need to let go of my fear and trust. I need to feel like Shannon again.