Hear, Hear

As already stated, this summer has been challenging. Change has ruined me, yet, when I am not in a bout of lethargy, I am overwhelmed by the ways I want change in my life. I have avoided writing because when I write, the recesses of my soul come through, and it is easier to be numb than getting chummy with the hidden monsters that manifests themselves when I am worn down or reluctantly inspired.

This extended period of numbness comes at a price. You can only do so little, for so long and still feel human. Although I do fill my days with this and that, I feel like I do so little, because so little of what I do is personally fulfilling. My life before was so fulfilling. Many people depended on me and I was able to make a difference regularly. Now, I take a look at myself at the end of the day and conclude that I didn’t improve that man’s quality of life by outfitting him for his next bar scene hook up and I’m not really improving myself by flipping through Esquire and Vogue so I can spout off the latest fashions to the few people who still have the money to care.

I made a conscious effort to be selfish for a season. Or rather, to take some time off from my traditional responsibilities so I could sufficiently tend to myself for a time.

I am learning that tending to others is the best way to tend to myself.

I need to find balance. I still have sudden urges to move to a developing nation to teach hygiene and English, but something tells me that would be running away from, not solving this inner turmoil. Now is not the time to be engulfed in overwhelming need. I need to be okay with me before I serve in a demanding environment. The impact of a newly woven rope is greater and longer lasting than one that is already frayed.

What do I need more than anything right now?

I need to feel and believe that I am useful. I need to do some good.

I have spent the summer searching for career and educational opportunities. I have postponed my GRE prep class twice and am contemplating postponing it for a third. I have run 10 miles a week, barely. I have finished 2 books. I have moseyed around with strange company. I have slept in till 9:30. I have seen 1 movie. This is what I have to show for myself...

I think I am actually less motivated to do things for myself, the more time for myself I have.

I think focusing on others will give me perspective again. It will provide me with the human emotions I long for. It will motivate me to wake up in the morning. You may be reading this and saying, “duh, Shannon”, but it is a bit of a revelation right now. In the past I always served others because I liked to do it and I thought people needed me. I never realized how much I needed service to feel okay.

So here’s to a little progress. Here’s to a small change. Here’s to attempted potential fulfillment. Here’s to selfish service with a hope that it will put a small aspect of my life back on course.

Hear, Hear.