Each Weed Was a Singular Knife

I am writing this post because I am ready to place a few answers to the questions many of my loved ones have politely refrained from asking; all of which have to do with my religious beliefs and commitment to the LDS church. 

I started to take a step away from the LDS Church back in September. For whatever reason I could not disassociate the negative feelings I had from my divorce with the Church. I would go to church and feel uneasy and upset. I stopped attending the temple around that time and it is a decision I have not regretted. I believe in the sanctity of the temple and at a time when I could barely understand and keep my baptismal covenants, I felt the covenants of the temple placed an expectation on me that I was unable to live up to. I was confused about what I believed and I felt like a liar having an outward representation that I had serious covenants with God when I felt I did not have that relationship. I wish to express that it was not due to unworthiness or a wish to be unworthy that I stopped attending the temple. I just felt like I needed to go back to the basics and determine my beliefs. I look forward to exploring my religious commitment and to decide for myself if I would like to take on higher covenants with God in the future. If I have a desire to return to the temple, it will be because that is what I want for myself, uninfluenced by another person or situation. It will be due to a representation of spiritual growth and a desire to be closer to God. I am not there yet. I am not sure if I want to be there in the future. But my relationship with God has improved since then and I am grateful for that. 

Being in Korea has given me time to think about my beliefs away from the expectations of my loved ones and a mormon driven culture. I've been able to interact with people of different faiths, and learn of different value systems and beliefs. I've discovered there are many ways to be a good person. I've questioned whether or not I personally need the Church to be a good person and I've learned that the answer to that question is no. There was a time I thought that if I wasn't following every teaching and commandment of the Church I would loose all my morals and be lost to the world. I have found that even without the Church I can still have a relationship with God and be a compassionate, moral person. 

With that said, after taking some time away from the Church in an organizational sense, I am starting to discover what I miss due to...the dreaded word...my inactivity. The world is a very frightening place right now. A recent interaction with a deployed navy pilot has made that realization all the more real and has left my heart aching over the suffering and wickedness that fills the news. I have found that although I can still be a good person without the Church, I miss the good news of the gospel and the hope it provides when it seems like the odds are building up against humanity. 

My faith is frail and timid right now, but I am proud to say that a desire to have faith has returned. Honestly, life was so heavy for a little while, that I just needed time to deal with my emotions without worrying about the added complexity of a demanding religion. I intentionally took the month of March off of church to see if it would be missed. In recent weeks I have found myself praying on my knees and reading scripture and the words of modern day prophets with great interest. I am really grateful to find that these desires, although seemingly small, are genuine and come completely from within me.

Small miracles have happened on my behalf this week that will make it easier for me to get to church on a regular basis. I know that God is aware of me and that He loves me. I think he understands that I need this time to rebuild my trust and commitment to him. I am grateful for His patience and compassion.

This is where I am at. I am definitely on a path and I am slowly moving forward. I find comfort in the fact that I am less conflicted then I was six months ago and even a month ago. Some of my beliefs may be unorthodox but I stand by them because they are my own. It may not be much but I am grateful that I feel comfortable in my own skin when I speak of them.

As I contemplate the search for truth, I am often reminded of the words of Stephen Crane. This is a  poem that has been etched in my mind from the time I first read it at the age of 15:

The wayfarer, 

Perceiving the pathway to truth, 

Was struck with astonishment. 

It was thickly grown with weeds.

"Ha," he said,

"I see that no man has passed here
In a long time."
Later he saw that each weed
Was a singular knife.
"Well," he mumbled at last,
"Doubtless there are other roads."

Truth to me, is not discovered overnight and it is not nicely packaged in a manual or book. Truth, takes time, thought and experience. It's a difficult path to traverse because although there are countless people and places willing to tell you what is truth, ultimately belief in what is Truth must come from within. I may move slowly along this path, but I am not a wayfarer. I'm not interested in finding an easier road. I actually really enjoy the path I'm on. It feels good to be contemplative and genuine in my beliefs. It feels good to say I don't know and then find myself knowing a little bit more after some thought and faith.

Although there is sometimes tears and frustration, I am happy with who I am today and believe I will continue to be happy as long as I inch forward on my path to truth.