My Dilemma with Cleaning the Kitchen

I have a few quirks.

One of which is my necessity to cook in a clean kitchen.

Another is my unwillingness to mess up a freshly cleaned kitchen.

Tonight I may just go hungry.

Patience and Selfishness

I am writing because today I learned something. I could recount all the highs and lows and reasons for my troubles that brought me to this learning moment, but that doesn't really matter right now. I guess I just want to remember these wise words that spoke to me. They are on Patience.

Patience—the ability to put our desires on hold for a time—is a precious and rare virtue. We want what we want, and we want it now. Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter.

Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect. Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace.

From that experience, I learned that patience was far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience required actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn’t appear instantly or without effort.

There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!

Impatience, on the other hand, is a symptom of selfishness. It is a trait of the self-absorbed. It arises from the all-too-prevalent condition called “center of the universe” syndrome, which leads people to believe that the world revolves around them and that all others are just supporting cast in the grand theater of mortality in which only they have the starring role. 

Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith.

In your patience you win mastery of your souls.

These words spoken by President Uchtdorf really struck me as I read them. I have been really inpatient with myself lately. I have been selfish; focusing on everything I want and don't have. I have even had unrealistic expectations of someone else making me happy or another situation bringing me fulfillment. It's a foolish way to think and clearly explains why I was becoming so apathetic towards the world. Nothing was able to give me the happiness I was seeking. 


I didn't realize that the reason for these feelings was because of my impatience. I really want to stop being affected by my current situation. I want to move forward, but rather than being patient with myself and where I am at, I have been consumed with simply distracting myself. Filling my time with meaningless activities and planning future events thinking it'll all be better when...


I like the promises President Uchtdorf suggests that come from patience: refining understanding, deepening happiness, winning mastery of your souls (which was actually Uchtdorf paraphrasing Christ).


I need to stop waiting and start being actively patient. I need to stop thinking I'll just get over this and move on. I need to work and hope and endure. I need to get rid of fear and discouragement. 


I believe if I can improve my ability to be patient, I will eventually get to where I want and unreasonably expect myself to be. I need to read these words often to remember that it is patience that can give me hope in the future and fulfillment in the present. I wish wisdom and patience spoken of here would just be allotted to me - a consolation prize for trying, but I guess I'll have to go through this learning experiences just like everyone else!

My Rant on American Education

Some days I feel like I am a waste of work space. Like today! I have SOOO much to get done, and so little desire to do any of it. I seriously don't know how I am going to get through teaching the next and last 31 days of school. I am completely disinterested in my job. This is bad. I should be fired. I am supposed to care deeply about the intellectual and moral growth of my students to the point that I don't mind spending hoards of my money and nights alone grading and planning to get them exactly that. I used to be that teacher. I have hit my breaking point. Right now I just want out.


This is the problem with public education. The repercussions for poor performance essentially do not exist. It is almost impossible to monitor and fire a teacher within the current school system. This is a double edged sword: yes, it is great knowing that I have a level of job security and won't loose my job over one unhappy parent but it also means that I can get away with doing the bare minimum and not really worry about being asked to pack my things and leave unless I step it up. The consequence and reward system is so weak in public education and for me, this makes it difficult to have a lot of pride in my job and an ambition to constantly improve. The "Teacher of the Month" parking space just doesn't do it for me.

On days like this I feel bad. I feel dishonest. I feel like I shouldn't be burnt out. I should keep my passion for molding young minds at the forefront of my thoughts every day. But it's just not there. I have distanced myself from my students drastically this year. They can't know I'm divorced. I know I'm leaving and will probably never see them again come May, so as a preemptive protection measure, I have kind of stopped caring. Not to mention - teaching some of these kids is like pulling teeth. I just want them to be adults. I just want to say - fine, if you want to flunk 9th grade history, be my guest. I am sick of babying them. I am sick of the uncomfortably common mentality that says, "Give my kid an "A" with as little effort and work on their part as possible. Didn't you hear they are involved in about 10,000 extracurricular activities?" If I actually had the time (70 minute classes are just not enough), and the support from the school and parents, I could challenge these kids. I could prepare them for college. I would love to challenge these kids. Although, with the current school system and my upturned life it is almost impossible. I need more time. I need support. I need text books! I need unlimited copies! I need computers! This school is not a college prep. It is just getting the kids by - pushing them through the system. These poor kids.

In my opinion the entire US educational system needs to be revamped. It does not matter how much money the government pores into curriculum, testing, literacy, sports, or arts programs, the problem with American education is the teachers! Who wants to work the long hours of a teacher for little respect and small pay? Who wants to fear pink slips, increasing class sizes, or governmental IOUs? All these things combined to create a mob of teachers that have become experts at just pushing kids through the system, because that is all the system can support!

Most good teachers are either burnt out after 3 years, or are ready to move on to something that will at least give a growing level of self respect. Sure you can say, "I am a great teacher because I love the kids! I know I can make a difference!" But that only goes so far for many people. Usually you get into the school system and end up getting all caught up in the bureaucracy of the beast and then find your great ideas of opening up these kids minds, are shot down by overtly conservative or liberal parents. Or you come to find that no one gives a darn if the kids are prepared for college, as long as the football team is winning games. Many of the teachers that remain, are the ones that take the easy way out. They show movies, teach the same curriculum they created 20 years ago, and format lessons and assignments based on their desire to spend as little time grading as possible.

How can the country create better teachers? I guess that is the age long question. A question that has a thousand solutions that unfortunately all come back to money. There are many things that can improve the moral of teachers and impact of teachers but not within the huge socialize system we have now. Maybe it would be great if public education could be handed over in some part to smaller private corporations? Bring in consultants and financial analyst to judge how to run the school more efficiently. Bring in the leaders trained to improve performance and output....haha essentially take the heart out of education!

Oh hell - I am starting to sound like I spent time in the Tanner building. What is happening to me?

Remember - this is just a rant! It does not set in stone my views or define who I am. It's just a bad day!

A Conversation with God

Heavenly Father--I've been through a lot lately. Challenges I never expected have come my way. I have been tried. I have been hurt. But I also have been strengthened and delivered. Tonight I want to say thank you. I never want to forget the intimate and loving role you played in getting me through this time in me life.

Thank you for the night you comforted me admists hysterics.
Thank you for the morning car ride conversations that gave me the strength to dry my eyes for the school day.
Thank you for the confirmation that you knew I was doing the best I could.
Thank you for letting me know that I am not a failure.
Thank you for the for giving me the assurity that I have done the right thing.
Thank you for the courage to walk away.
Thank you for an understanding and loving family.
Thank you for giving me the strength to face and overcome the demons of fear and self despair.
Thank you for hope in a better future.
Thank you for the promise of eternal families.
Thank you for patience in healing.
Thank you for a greater understanding of my divine relationship to thee.
Thank you for love in all its forms and possibilities.

I feel like the words I write will never put justice to the love and debt I feel toward thee. Please help me to always remember these blessings. Provide me with opportunities to increase my faith. Bless me with opportunities to comfort others. I now know how it feels to truly ache from deep within the recesses of your heart. Bless those that ache. Give them the faith and endurance I have been shown. Let them know that the moment will pass. Give them courage to hold on to their trust and faith in thee. Help them to know that it is worth it.

I have learned over the past few months that I am lot tougher than I ever thought I could be. Bless me to remember that I am tough. Bless me to maintain confidence in my ability to overcome life's challenges.

Heavenly Father - I am happy. I know the power the truth has to repair broken hearts. I am filled with a love for life and a hope for the future.

Hating on Divorce

Things are always more complicated than you think they will be. Today I learned that my hope and desire to keep up a relationship with Tyler's family members was foolish. I know they love me. I know their loyalties must be to Tyler. It just hurts. You never hear people say, "Divorce the man and you divorce the family," but in my case, I think that is the harsh reality. I understand and accept this, but I am still really hurt. I know they are in a hard position. I know we all are. What is the protocol for this kind of crap? Divorce is awful. It ruins so many good things. There are so many unnecessary casualties. There are so many uncomfortable situations and long term effects. I HATE divorce. I hate that marriages can be broken and families torn apart. I hate the selfishness, cruel words, anger and tears that divorce brings. I hate that the most important and beautiful thing this life has to offer, can be so incredibly desecrated. I am ill with how repulsive and wrong the entire idea of divorce even is. I am disgusted that people take marriage and commitments so lightly. I am furious that families and friends turn on each other.

I know that my divorce was necessary, but I hate that such an awful institution had to touch me.

Next time it's for keeps. I will be so diligent, so careful, so prayerful. I will do everything in my power, every day of my life, to avoid the hell of divorce. It is so rotton.

Crash and Burn

The high hit a bump. Today at a faculty meeting one of the administrators casually announced to everyone that I will not be coming back to teach next year. An announcement I was not ready to have made.

I have been working really hard for the last 6 months to keep on a game face. To not let a single thing slip that would result in being asked personal questions. That ended today.

The hardest part is, I have already been asked if I am pregnant or starting my family. Ouch. Saying no to that question and being so far from that even being a possibility right now hurts. A new and empty pain fills my heart.

I would be a liar if I didn't say the thoughts and plans of being a mother filled my mind almost everyday for the 3 years I was married. I would be liar if I didn't say loosing that hope is equally as bad as loosing a husband.

Teaching was never and will never be my end all. Motherhood is. I don't even really like kids, but I am already obsessed with my own. I was planning on starting a family this summer. I had everything planned out. My 25th birthday was supposed to represent something. Years 25-35 were already put away in my mind as the time to have children.

Another test of patience. Another plan changed. This is an emptiness that won't go away until it is filled. I have to suck it up. My students and many teachers don't know I am divorced and I don't want them to know. I have to face their questions and smile and laugh when I say, "Nope! Still not ready for children."

An Exuberance for Life

Despite the challenges and pain I have felt over the past 6 months, today I can honestly say that I am a happier person. I am having thoughts and feelings that I have not had for years. Once again I believe that I can do anything. I can look at myself straight in the mirror without fear or disappointment. I am finally able to reach for my potential. I am no longer cutting myself short or justifying why I have settled into a life that just isn't me. Today I don't have anything bringing me down. My fear has disippated. I am passionate and full of life again. I am not ashamed of singing my favorite song at the top of my lungs or fiercly defending my personal views. I am done tip toeing. I am done putting on a smile and believing everything is okay when it is not. I am done loosing myself to keep the people around me happy. I am filling my life with meaning again. I am being completely genuine. I will never loose myself again to the judgements of another. I will never seek so hard to impress someone who can't be pleased. I will never go back. I will search for the gems in life. The experiences that make you whole. The friendships that come naturally, never fad and always leave you wanting more. I will search for the people whose passion and love of life is like mine. The ones that build you up, and leave you feeling confident and content. The potential I have to do good is endless. I will change lives. I will be remembered. I will show the world my exuberance for life once again.