Nothing to Say

I haven't written since April 5th and I'm worried. I always have something to say. I always have some complex issue to analyze or some complicated emotion to put words to. There was a time when not writing meant things were going well. I would only turn to writing when I was upset or confused. I'm not sure why I'm not writing anymore, but I know it's not because I am blissfully happy either.

I've been thinking about happiness lately. What is happiness? What does it mean to me? When have I been happy in the past? What do I need to be happy? What is the difference between fulfillment and happiness? Happiness and fun? Happiness and peace?

I don't feel unhappy. Most of my time is spent teaching, talking, smiling and laughing with other people. I am grateful for my life and enjoy the rich experiences I have on a daily basis. I am constantly reminded of the beauty of this earth and the goodness of humanity. Although, sometimes I still struggle.

I struggle because I feel directionless. I struggle because what used to matter so much to me, doesn't seem to matter anymore. I'm not sure what to care about and what to let be. I strangely am able to befriend every stranger, but guard my heart with high concrete walls and barbed wire. I don't trust men. I shy away from even the thought of a relationship, although feel a tinge of jealousy toward my friends that call their spouse their best friend and treat them as such. I would like a meaningful, fulfilling relationship but am convinced I'm not ready for one. I think I am too broken to even try.

I don't know what needs to be repaired. I don't know where to begin and most importantly, I don't know if I want things to change yet. Life is not meaningful or fulfilling right now, but at least it doesn't hurt. There is no room for disappointment. I sometimes look at myself and feel like a coward. Why aren't I stronger? Why can't I just get over things and move on? But where do I go? What do I want? The questions are very broad and difficult to answer. My opinions change each day. I haven't been writing because there haven't been any break throughs. I haven't learned or felt anything new. One day easily fades into the next. Life is full of great things, but somehow lacks the excitement and color it once possessed. Am I just old and jaded or is this part of healing? Am I healing or just developing bad habits? I don't know.

Appeasing an Angry Child

I've never been an angry person. Yes, my brothers and some of the boys of my youth knew how to get a rise out of me, but I usually would deal with such situations by avoiding or fleeing the scene of discomfort. Once away from the situation, I would quickly get over the offenses and resume to my generally pleasant disposition.

After my divorce many people spoke of anger. They advised me not to be angry and I remember thinking, I'm not angry, I'm heartbroken! And I was heartbroken. I was shocked by the rejection and devastated that I was loosing much of what was important to me.

Today, I realized I am angry. Last year I was plagued with bad dreams. Dreams that would creep into my conscious early in the morning, leaving me to wake up to renewed feelings of rejection and pits in my stomach. These dreams subsided last summer. A sure sign that I was moving on. I haven't had a rejection dream in months, until this morning. There I was again. Offering all I could give and being told it wasn't wanted. Trapped. Unable run away from the rejection. I had to stand and listen, with shattered pride that I wasn't enough, and ashamed because I cared.

This morning I woke up angry. I shouldn't be having these dreams anymore! I rarely think about my ex, I don't wish to be with him again and have a really exciting single life. This dream and anger has had me feeling icky (for lack of a better word) all day.

Ultimately I want to be happy. I want to be industrious, charitable, fulfilled, loving and loved. I don't know how to be those things right now. I don't know what needs to be healed or how to heal any faster. I don't want to have dreams that recall feelings of pain.

In the rare moments, when I am completely honest with myself, there is a child inside of me kicking and screaming, "It isn't fair!" I feel stupid admitting such feelings. No one cares whether or not your life is fair. What is fair? And who, if anyone, can honestly feel that the balances of justice have been perfectly matched when they look at their life? Life isn't fair. It's full of unwarranted tragedies and hardships. Stating the fact doesn't change anything and just makes you feel ungrateful. Today I realized that screaming child doesn't want justice, she's just angry.

I didn't realize I was angry until now because other than that screaming child who is usually buried so deep I can't hear her, I haven't felt the emotions most people associate with anger. My blood doesn't boil, my fist aren't clenched.

Today I recognized that my anger manifests itself in avoidance.

I'm angry at Tyler. I'm angry at the religious institution that led us to believe marriage at 21 was a good idea. I'm angry at Allen Edmond shoes, UFC fighting, and motorcycles. I'm angry at New York. I'm angry at gas stoves, safe suburban neighborhoods, pretty pleasantville homes, new moms and sweet babies. I'm angry at marriage and divorce, relationships and being alone.

I avoid these things because I don't want to hear that upset child inside of me. I don't know how to appease her. The past won't change. All I can do is hope the future will be different. I live in a dual world. I spend my time avoiding many of the things that are the most important to me. It creates a confusion of emotions and desires. Other than writing and running, I don't know what more to do.

Each Weed Was a Singular Knife

I am writing this post because I am ready to place a few answers to the questions many of my loved ones have politely refrained from asking; all of which have to do with my religious beliefs and commitment to the LDS church. 

I started to take a step away from the LDS Church back in September. For whatever reason I could not disassociate the negative feelings I had from my divorce with the Church. I would go to church and feel uneasy and upset. I stopped attending the temple around that time and it is a decision I have not regretted. I believe in the sanctity of the temple and at a time when I could barely understand and keep my baptismal covenants, I felt the covenants of the temple placed an expectation on me that I was unable to live up to. I was confused about what I believed and I felt like a liar having an outward representation that I had serious covenants with God when I felt I did not have that relationship. I wish to express that it was not due to unworthiness or a wish to be unworthy that I stopped attending the temple. I just felt like I needed to go back to the basics and determine my beliefs. I look forward to exploring my religious commitment and to decide for myself if I would like to take on higher covenants with God in the future. If I have a desire to return to the temple, it will be because that is what I want for myself, uninfluenced by another person or situation. It will be due to a representation of spiritual growth and a desire to be closer to God. I am not there yet. I am not sure if I want to be there in the future. But my relationship with God has improved since then and I am grateful for that. 

Being in Korea has given me time to think about my beliefs away from the expectations of my loved ones and a mormon driven culture. I've been able to interact with people of different faiths, and learn of different value systems and beliefs. I've discovered there are many ways to be a good person. I've questioned whether or not I personally need the Church to be a good person and I've learned that the answer to that question is no. There was a time I thought that if I wasn't following every teaching and commandment of the Church I would loose all my morals and be lost to the world. I have found that even without the Church I can still have a relationship with God and be a compassionate, moral person. 

With that said, after taking some time away from the Church in an organizational sense, I am starting to discover what I miss due to...the dreaded word...my inactivity. The world is a very frightening place right now. A recent interaction with a deployed navy pilot has made that realization all the more real and has left my heart aching over the suffering and wickedness that fills the news. I have found that although I can still be a good person without the Church, I miss the good news of the gospel and the hope it provides when it seems like the odds are building up against humanity. 

My faith is frail and timid right now, but I am proud to say that a desire to have faith has returned. Honestly, life was so heavy for a little while, that I just needed time to deal with my emotions without worrying about the added complexity of a demanding religion. I intentionally took the month of March off of church to see if it would be missed. In recent weeks I have found myself praying on my knees and reading scripture and the words of modern day prophets with great interest. I am really grateful to find that these desires, although seemingly small, are genuine and come completely from within me.

Small miracles have happened on my behalf this week that will make it easier for me to get to church on a regular basis. I know that God is aware of me and that He loves me. I think he understands that I need this time to rebuild my trust and commitment to him. I am grateful for His patience and compassion.

This is where I am at. I am definitely on a path and I am slowly moving forward. I find comfort in the fact that I am less conflicted then I was six months ago and even a month ago. Some of my beliefs may be unorthodox but I stand by them because they are my own. It may not be much but I am grateful that I feel comfortable in my own skin when I speak of them.

As I contemplate the search for truth, I am often reminded of the words of Stephen Crane. This is a  poem that has been etched in my mind from the time I first read it at the age of 15:

The wayfarer, 

Perceiving the pathway to truth, 

Was struck with astonishment. 

It was thickly grown with weeds.

"Ha," he said,

"I see that no man has passed here
In a long time."
Later he saw that each weed
Was a singular knife.
"Well," he mumbled at last,
"Doubtless there are other roads."

Truth to me, is not discovered overnight and it is not nicely packaged in a manual or book. Truth, takes time, thought and experience. It's a difficult path to traverse because although there are countless people and places willing to tell you what is truth, ultimately belief in what is Truth must come from within. I may move slowly along this path, but I am not a wayfarer. I'm not interested in finding an easier road. I actually really enjoy the path I'm on. It feels good to be contemplative and genuine in my beliefs. It feels good to say I don't know and then find myself knowing a little bit more after some thought and faith.

Although there is sometimes tears and frustration, I am happy with who I am today and believe I will continue to be happy as long as I inch forward on my path to truth. 

Do They Come in Hot Pink?

If you're Korean, you wear glasses. I'm sure of it. This is a wonderful thing because it means there are optical stores everywhere and you can buy lenses and awesome frames for cheap, cheap, cheap! With the amount of time I spend on the computer and reading I've been getting some pretty bad headaches. Apparently my left eye is weaker than my right...I think...diagnosis is an interesting thing when you're relaying on a limited vocabulary and lots of body language! The headaches are annoying, but honestly, this was more of a fashion move than anything. One of my 8 year old students, Sara, has these cute little pink frames and everyday I teach her I'm envious!  So after my eye test, here's what I picked up, all for 150,000 wan or about $130!

I am usually a slow and methodical shopper, but sometimes I'm lucky and fall in love with something the second I see it. Such was the case for these hot pink and orange beauties. It truly was love at first sight! 

These glasses are not near as fun, but since the man working at the glasses store gave me such a great deal for both, I figured I'd go with something a little more conservative. Purples' my clutch color and is always a safe but somewhat unique choice for me. 

Haedong Yonggungsa Temple

Oh, how I love having weekdays off! For the month of March I wiggled my way into having Tuesday, Thursday and Sundays off because it's not fun working Saturdays! It's been great taking advantage of these days because many of the sites I like to see are less crowded and I'm fresh and alert in the morning. Today Nina and I went to Haedong Yonggungsa Temple, also known to foreigners as the water temple as it sits on cliffs overlooking the sea. This temple was first build in the 12th century, was destroyed by the Japanese in the 16th century and then was rebuilt in the 1930s or 1970s (I read both dates). It's become Busan's 2nd most famous temple, just behind Beomosa, and these pictures will help you understand why.

As you walk toward the temple there are statues of the 12 Korean/Chinese Zodiac animals.  The animals were once used to keep track of the year and time of the day. 

I was born in the year of the cow. And yes, as soon as I got home from the temple I began googling what cow people are like. Apparently if you were born in 1985 you are dedicated to your work, discrete, careful and conscientious, and value home and family. I'll take it!

One of the many buddhas. This temple is known for honoring the buddha goddess of mercy. I didn't know until today there were buddha goddesses. I'm not going to lie...it made me like buddhism even more!

Pagoda

These flank the steps walking down to the temple. They're pretty, huh?

View from above

I wear pink when I'm happy regardless of the season. This view was icing on an already wonderful day. 

Always up for an adventure when we're together and most of them end in ice cream. It's a pretty good thing we have going on. :D

Baby buddha's sending me all of their positive energy. 

Aren't they cute?

During significant times of the year the entire temple is strung with lanterns. You may notice the scaffolding in the pictures upon which they hang them. I'd love to go back when they hang and light the lanterns.

I once was told by a small Asian lady working at Cold Stone in Irvine that golden pigs would bring me good luck. My luck turned sour for a time and golden pigs became an annoying reminder of the misfortune. I think the golden pig is on my side again. I am lucky. Plus, who can find disfavor in that chubby, smiling face? 

Do you see that buddha with the black nose and belly (ko and bae - so proud I know 2 Korean words!)? Apparently if you are pregnant or wanting to get pregnant and want a son, you should come to Korean and rub that buddha! No reports on whether or not it works, but I steered clear just in case. I'll have daughters, but sons, Buddha please, give me none! 

Temple friendship bracelets! Mine has a tiny cow buddha and Nina's has a tiny dog buddha.  Another thing to bring us goodluck. Lucky, lucky, you're so lucky! 

I LOVE this statue. I don't know why, but I want it in my garden or  foyer or bedroom!  I find it intimate, simple and beautiful. 

Waeguk in Korea

My blogging has seriously suffered while I've been in Korea, so I figured I'll start posting and describing a few pictures from time to time as a way to remember the highlights. 

This is my BFIK, best friend in Korea, Nina. I met this gem a few weeks after getting to Korea and it was love at first sight. We spend most of our socializing time together and call each other daily, just to see how things are going.  She's a good, loyal friend and I can't wait to move closer to her!

I've been lucky to meet a group of waeguks (korean word for foreigner) that love to play beach volleyball. It's still a little cold, but that hasn't prevented me from getting in on a few games! 

Anytime I can get to the beach, I'm there. Soaking up the sun,  people watching, reading a book, talking with friends, it doesn't matter. The ocean just makes me happy!

Sometimes I enjoy live music. It helps to know what's going on when your BFIK is an amazing singer .

I've met some good friends that are interested in volunteering in the community. Here we are at a fundraiser for a  local women's shelter. 

This is overlooking my city. Jeonggwan myeon, Gijang-gun, Busan, South Korea. 

My most playful, fun and difficult students. Nothing tries your patience more than teaching two  rowdy 5 year old boys that don't speak your language! Somedays my creativity is stretched to the limit and other days I just laugh and laugh with these kids. 

They are pretty cute though, right?

Soloing at a Noraebang

Singing with my Jeonggwan girls!

That's a pikachu with a microphone. 

I have loved Korean food with the exception of this little booger.  It's called bundaegi and is a popular Korean snack food. It's a roasted silkworm pupae. It wasn't awful, but I wouldn't consider something that tasted like dirt a snack!

We were completely shocked at how good these cookies turned out for our bake sale considering it took us over an hour to find proper ingredients at HomePlus, many of which weren't really what they should have been!

This is the kind of Korean food I love.  Samgyeopsal is pork that you grill at your table and then eat wrapped in different lettuce leaves. The side dishes of kimchi, radishes, pickles, nuts, egg, soups, and fish are great too. 

Trick Art Exhibit with friends...hilarious!

Still never missing an opportunity to dance.

Jimjillbang and Soo Casa - A Week of Indulgence

Shinsegae: Spaland inside the glass windows. 

Last week was Korea's pre-Independence Day, similar to Memorial Day, so I had work off. I have been wanting to go to the Jjimjilbang for a while and finally has my chance to go. I went to Spaland, apparently one of the nicest Jjimjilbangs in Korea, which is in Shinsegae, the largest shopping mall in Korea, and it was fantastic! Okay, so I had no idea what to expect so I'll describe everything.

I met my friend Erica at 3pm. We paid the entrance fee, 12,000wan (about $12), were given a locker assignment, and lounge ware and headed in. All men and women dress the same once inside the spa. After dropping off our shoes we went to the locker room and undressed. 

Digital interpretation of the baths. They are more beautiful in person.
The Jjimjilbang has two main areas. We went to the baths first which are separated by gender. The locker room and baths were beautiful and full of energy. There were women of all ages and sizes (although we were the only foreigners) chatting, lounging in varying temperatures of pools, washing their hair, scrubbing each others backs, enjoying the sauna, etc. It was so interesting to me because Koreans are usually very quiet in public places. I have been 'shushed' more than once for talking too much on a subway or bus. I expected this reserved social attitude to extend to all parts of public Korean culture, but in the baths it wasn't so. It was just a bunch of women together bathing and laughing. It was relaxed, accepting and enjoyable. I also found it interesting that for such a modest culture, there was almost complete comfort and acceptance of nudity. While in the baths, Erica and I paid for the special treatment of getting our whole bodies rubbed down with pumicing gloves by and an old ajjima (word for married Korean woman) wearing nothing but what resembled a black bikini. The reason Koreans do this is to get all the dead skin off their bodies, and I do not think I have ever been as clean as I was after my pumicing treatment! At times it was really painful and I thought I would come out of it naked and raw, but at the end I felt great. After lounging in a few more pools we went back to the locker rooms, put on our borrowed clothing (knee length canvas shorts and maroon tops) and went out to the co-ed saunas and relaxing areas. 

Coed lounging are

This showed me a part of Korean culture I have yet to see...that part where Koreans actually let their hair hang down, laugh, publicly hold hands, play cards and just relax! There were windows a few stories high letting in natural light, there were lounge chairs taken up by couples and friends resting, enjoying ice cream or a good book. Then there were at least 10 different sauna rooms with varying themes, temperatures and appeals. Argh! It's so hard to describe everything well. One of the sauna's was made of a mosaic of dark blue stones, another had a warm, smooth marble platform that you would lie on. Everything was clean and warm and the environment was so inviting! It was exactly what I needed. 

One of the many coed saunas

Lately I've been feeling like Korea is quickly aging me and I am not thrilled about it! I'm not used to being out in dry cold winds all the time. I'm not used to the cuisine. I have also been a little sick the past few weeks and I haven't recovered from a knee injury I acquire almost a month ago. I keep trying to go running but it's gotten to the point that I am going to see a doctor about it. :/ Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and it'll miraculously be healed so I can train for that half...In any case, a little pampering yesterday went a long way. 

I also went to a place called Soo Casa last week and got a perm! Perms and bangs are really popular among Koreans so I decided to choose the former. Soo is a Busan native that lived in Canada for 6 years and specializes in doing foreigners hair. She did an excellent job and I really enjoyed socializing and reading trashy US magazines for the 3 hour process. Life in Korea is starting for feel a little more comfortable AND it should start to warm up soon, which I cannot wait for!