Postpartum?

I haven't had a baby, but I imagine what I have been feeling the past few days maybe similar to postpartum depression. I feel like something really good has happened, although I can't help but feel unfulfilled, lonely and discouraged. I can't say I am full on depressed, but I am definitely having a hard time being naturally happy.
I found out a week ago that my divorce papers were signed...which means I am now a "newly single". At first I was really happy. I don't even know why. I think it was just a legal representation that I was breaking away from something that had really hurt me. I think I also thought that once those papers were signed I would float into an active and easy single life. After the initial wave of happiness, I totally crashed and am still trying to recover.

I don't really like being single. For 3 years I built my identity around married life and my social network around married people. I invested deeply in the relationships, community and career that came along with being married. I feel like I have very little left now and what I do have left is little awkward or strained.

When I take a look at myself as a single person, I feel behind and kind of pathetic. I would have accomplished so much more by this point in my life if I didn't have a 3 year detour. In addition to that I feel embarrassed by what I am and no matter what I tell myself in my mind, I still wonder what is wrong with me. I wonder if I am lovable. I wonder what I am good at and what I am good for. I want to make clear that my thoughts are not that I am unlovable, or that I am good for nothing. I know I have worth, but I just don't know what it amounts to anymore.

I am nervous. I am nervous that people will judge me for things that are out of my control. I am nervous that those judgements will hurt more than the judgement of a stranger should. I am nervous that I will have my hopes brought up, just to see them let down in another bout of rejection.

I know these thoughts and feelings are a waste of time. I know I should just pull myself up from my boot straps and move forward with confidence and hope. I know I need to cast away fear and be filled with faith. It is just so hard when I still don't even understand

Weekend Highlights

FREEDOM

As of late I have had the most overwhelming feeling of freedom. Prior to my recent three year engagement, I had so many hopes and plans for my future that primarily had to do with graduate education, metropolitan work, internships and opportunities, and travel. I have rediscovered my passion and excitement for accomplishing or at least trying to accomplish some of those things.

I have rediscovered my passion period and am so happy to feel like myself again! I have always been a very passionate person, full of life, excitement and wonder for the world around me. For a while, I felt like I had lost my passion. I was very aware and unhappy about this change. I tried to find things that would restore my passion, but I felt like elements of my life were sucking the passion from me and I even nicknamed these influences passion killers. Some of the influences were people and some of the influences were just an overwhelming feeling that I was trapped into a life that wasn't as fulfilling as I expected it to be. I just felt like I had settled for much less than I was capable of and I couldn't get out of it.

On paper my life seemed like I had a checked off pretty ambitious list, but I always wanted and expected more from myself. I never dreamed about being married by 21, owning a house by 24, or being a history teacher for 3 years at a mediocre charter school--I dreamed about working really hard in a challenging grad program, traveling the world, starting my own non-profit and writing a book. Now that I am free from a life that was good, but not really fulfilling to me, I am so excited to go and do whatever I want.

I now spend much of my spare time looking into grad school programs, internship opportunities, taking personality and career placement test, brushing up on math until my GRE course starts, and dreaming of where I will go and how I will save the money to get there. At first I was really afraid of these dreams. I had become comfortable in my Utah Valley life, where all you have to do is wear cool clothes, exercise regularly and participate in some sort of domestic craft to fit in. For a little while, I felt like that was all I amounted to. No wonder I lost my passion!

I am thrilled to have ME back. I know that I am capable of great things--things that are important and fulfilling to me, and will be much more cautious in the future about what I allow to get in between me and those dreams.

Sometimes It Be That Way

Sometimes you write your own words to express yourself.

Sometimes someone has already written them for you.

Night with its shattered teeth

Attempts to speak

My pen is present but

Courage left via the sink

And I'm sorry
I snuck up on you
From behind

I'm sorry not all

My love letters did rhyme

And I'm sorry that

Jesus died for my sins

And I swear to God

It won't happen again

And I'm sorry

If it was my swerve that

Tempted you to sway

Oh well

Sometimes it be that way

And Romeo was

A very nice man

He said

"Jewel, I don't think

You quite understand"

And I'm sorry if you had

To explain it like this

I'm sorry I was a point

You were destined to miss

And I'm sorry

I spoke to you irreverently
Down in the hollow

By the old olive tree

And I'm sorry

If my heart breaking

Ruined your day

Oh well

Sometimes It be that way

I said

"Oh well, I got nothing

Left to sell

This love was a bell that

Rang unheard in the air

I was bound to find out

That you didn't care

Oh well

Sometimes it be that way

And Aphrodite with

Her neon lamp

Kissed Neptune

They put her face

On a stamp

And I'm sorry

I used it to mail

A letter to you

I'm sorry I'm glue and

The rest bounces off of you

And I'm sorry not even

This jet's metal wings

Could get across

These simple things

And I'm sorry

If I ever sang

Your name in vain

Oh well

Sometimes it be that way

And Goldilocks

Well she knew three bears

They all ate oatmeal

And tiptoed upstairs

And I'm sorry

I never got to

Find you like this

Sleeping like a baby

And swaddled in bliss

And I'm sorry for

All the times

I forgot to imply something

In between the lines

And I'm sorry

If my heart breaking

Ruined your day

Oh well

Sometimes it be that way

I said

"Oh well, I got nothing

Left to sell

This love was a bell that

Rang unheard in the air

I was bound to find out

That you didn't care

Oh well

Sometimes it be that way

And shadow's long fingers

They dance on the wall

Electricity chases

Its tail in the hall

And I'm sorry

If my arms to you

Were just empty rooms

I'm sorry

I never could comfort you

And I'm sorry

St. Petersburg is

A miserable town

And I'm sorry

If I am bringing you down

And I'm sorry

If I caused you pain

Oh well

Sometimes it be that way

And flame licks the air

With its silver tongue

Night has many hands

But I have just one

And I'm sorry

I walked in on you

Unexpectedly

I'm sorry

I never served you

Camomile tea

And I'm sorry

I didn't always have a match

That could start

A fire big enough

For your heart to catch

And I'm sorry

If it was my swerve that

Tempted you to sway

Oh well

Sometimes it be that

Demands

Over the past few weeks I have felt a wider variety of emotions and at a deeper level than ever before. I find myself frustrated because I can't seem to stick to one feeling or even one thought. Sometimes I am calm and hopeful. Sometimes I am filled with anxiety and regret. Sometimes I am angry and cynical. It's a rollercoaster and I am getting sick.

There is a part of me that wishes I was a creator through all of this. I want an outlet. I want to be an artist, musician, poet or something to help me get all these thoughts and emotions out of me. The only release I have is writing, running and talking, but even these do not seem to be enough.

I feel like I am very demanding of myself. I am going through a life altering change, but I want to be healed now. I don't want to be affected by it anymore. I don't want to feel. I don't want to think. I don't want to trust.

I want the anxiety and bad dreams to go away. I want those deep down feelings that I am worthless to be cast out forever. I don't know how to change. I don't know how to fix myself. I don't know the right questions to ask. I am so frustrated that I can't just be okay for a week straight. I know that I should be patient and all that I am going through is normal, but I don't feel normal. I want to feel confident and strong. I want to feel stability. I am so demanding.

SJ Loves Warm Weather

Today I went running OUTSIDE! It was a comfortable 45 degrees at 4:30pm and I was able to get a good 30-45 minute run in before it got too dark and cold. I know this is just a teaser and the weather will surely turn for the worst in no time, but I am definitly ready for spring!

I still love running!

bytheway - for a while all of my pics are going to be self portraits using a timer. That's what happens when you spend most your time hanging out by yourself and have no signicant other/s to fill your blog picture quota with. Maybe I should get a fish or something. . . ;)

I'm Blue

I recently scanned through a book called The Color Code: A New Way to See Yourself, Your Relationships and Life. The book has you take a personality test and based on your choices assigns you as either a red, blue, white or yellow and then discusses the strengths and weaknesses of each personality. After taking the test I am most strongly a blue. I thought I would jot down a few of the strengths and limitations of blues because I think it is interesting and surprisingly accurate. The most telling thing was to read about the reds strengths and weaknesses. What I wish I would have known before marriage....

Excerpt taken from book:

"Blues deem it their personal responsibility to serve as the moral watchdogs of society"

Strengths:

• See life as a serious endeavor
• Appreciate beauty and detail
• Stable and dependable
• Sincere and emotionally deep
• Analytical oriented
• High Achiever
• Deep sense of purpose
• Able to enjoy deep and sensitive conversation
• Strong skills at empathizing with others
• Highly disciplined
• Stong goal orientation
• Plans well and follows through
• Excellent behind-the-scenes worker
• Enjoys details and schedules
• Receptive to creative thinking in others
• Loyal forever once a friendship is established
• Genuine concern for friend's well-bring
• Encouraging in times of trouble
• Willing to commit time to a relationship 

Weaknesses:

• Highly emotional
• Smug and self-righteous
• Strong perfection and performance orientation
• Verbally self-abusive
• Tends to lecture or over discuss issues
• Rigid with principles and unwilling to negotiate
• Argues primarily from an emotional perspective
• Strong expectation for others to be sensitive and deep
• Expects others to read her mind and know her feelings
• Easily frustrated by lack of team cooperation
• Expects other to understand her goals and make them priority.
• Feels others are not capable of doing things as well as she can
• Craves security
• Shies away from public exposure and performance
• Establishes high and unrealistic goals for self and others
• Insecure about other's acceptance or approval
• Feels rejected easily
• Critical of friends priniciples are activities if not similar
• Expects friends to maintain strong loyalty
• Wishes friends would communicate more

Much of this is pretty true about me!