I haven't had a baby, but I imagine what I have been feeling the past few days maybe similar to postpartum depression. I feel like something really good has happened, although I can't help but feel unfulfilled, lonely and discouraged. I can't say I am full on depressed, but I am definitely having a hard time being naturally happy.
I found out a week ago that my divorce papers were signed...which means I am now a "newly single". At first I was really happy. I don't even know why. I think it was just a legal representation that I was breaking away from something that had really hurt me. I think I also thought that once those papers were signed I would float into an active and easy single life. After the initial wave of happiness, I totally crashed and am still trying to recover.
I don't really like being single. For 3 years I built my identity around married life and my social network around married people. I invested deeply in the relationships, community and career that came along with being married. I feel like I have very little left now and what I do have left is little awkward or strained.
When I take a look at myself as a single person, I feel behind and kind of pathetic. I would have accomplished so much more by this point in my life if I didn't have a 3 year detour. In addition to that I feel embarrassed by what I am and no matter what I tell myself in my mind, I still wonder what is wrong with me. I wonder if I am lovable. I wonder what I am good at and what I am good for. I want to make clear that my thoughts are not that I am unlovable, or that I am good for nothing. I know I have worth, but I just don't know what it amounts to anymore.
I am nervous. I am nervous that people will judge me for things that are out of my control. I am nervous that those judgements will hurt more than the judgement of a stranger should. I am nervous that I will have my hopes brought up, just to see them let down in another bout of rejection.
I know these thoughts and feelings are a waste of time. I know I should just pull myself up from my boot straps and move forward with confidence and hope. I know I need to cast away fear and be filled with faith. It is just so hard when I still don't even understand
2 comments:
I am 100% confident that you will come out of this 'detour' a better version of yourself. This period of self-actualization will only allow you to grow in your experience and knowledge of life! All the better to be more prepared for your future relationships and another marriage. I am certain that you are still, and will always be, lovable. While there are many situations in life that are out of control, there is one thing you can control: your emotions and your reactions to these emotions!
Oh, Shannon, this is so hard. You are such a strong woman and I am so impressed by you. Anyone who would judge you is so not worth worrying about-- something we all know but sometimes hard to remember. But honestly your newly single status changes nothing about who you are and where you're going, which is onward and upward, and it doesn't take away the amazing person every year of your life has helped you become, even the crappy years.
I listen to the voice that tells me to feel behind and pathetic sometimes, too, and it just needs to be shut up. God doesn't see you that way. It's so useless to compare ourselves, and the outward signs of success matter so, so little compared to what He sees within us.
Everyone who knows you knows what a beautiful person you are. I know you'll make it through these times. Love and prayers.
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