I Feel So Messed Up

Disclosure: This entry may be painful to read - don't continue reading if you only want to hear about strength, hope and happiness.

Lately I have begun to realize how messed up this situation is making me. As I was going through the pain of rejection, I was too overwhelmed with feelings to really think deeply and long term. Now that the pain has subsided, I am realizing major issues I am going to have to face as I struggle to regain my feet again in this world.

I have found myself feeling so worthless and cast aside. So much of what I hold so dear has been completely disrespected - my trust, my love, my commitment, my temple marrige, my loyalty, my intimacy. I have found myself having thoughts that if I marry again, I don't want to marry in the temple for a while, at least not until that person has proved that he plans on sticking around for eternity. I am sick that I married someone for eternity and that commitment meant nothing to that person. I am sick that I gave everything I had to give and it has just been thrown aside. I can't get my mind around how someone could live with themselves after so deeply disrespecting the person they claimed to love.

I have no idea how I can have a functional relationship again. (Not that it matters now because I just found out this week that my divorce is going to take even longer....I cried when I heard the news - I just want to be free and get away from everything that ties me to all this pain). I don't know how I can really trust anyone again. I have learned that people change. I always knew this, but now I know that people can change for the worst. It is not always the happy repentance story I once thought it was. How will I know the next person I openly give of myself to won't change? I hate that there is no security. No matter what you do, NOTHING insures that you won't be hurt again.

I feel like I deserve an apology. I feel like this person doesn't even recognize the pain, heart ache and complete dis-functionality he has so carelessly given me. Are people born without empathy? Is it possible to really feel NOTHING when it is so obvious that your actions are affecting someone so deeply?

I know I should move forward with faith, but right now my faith has been replaced with fear. I believe that there are good people out there, and I bet there is even a good guy out there that would be happy to remain committed to me forever. But I am not sure that I will ever have the courage to give that person a chance.

Right now, I feel pretty messed up.