This is my third week on my own and by far the driest week in at least two months. I am ashamed to say, but this week the anger finally set in. It came differently than I expected. I didn't want to break things, spend someone elses money or cause unnecessary suffering like what is demonstrated in popular songs and movies. Originally I was sad for what I was loosing. Then I was sad for what was being taken away. Now I am angry that something has been taken and I have no way of getting it back.
I am not talking about my husband. I am talking about my innocence.
I feel like this is where the true tradegy lies. I used to live in a dream world. I believed there were only good people with good intentions. Good people would only do bad things due to unfavorable circumstances. I spent countless hours justifying the poor choices of those around me and truly believed although their actions were wrong, their hearts were right. I trusted everyone and believed if I had no intention to hurt them, they would have no intention to hurt me. While living in this dream world, I knew it wasn't reality, but I was determined to make it my reality. I wanted to go through life only seeing the good in others. It is a noble thing to want. It was part of me. I believed there would always be someone there to protect me, to save me from having to see true ugliness of life.
The past few months have forced me to remove my rose colored glasses. I had to start seeing what was really there, in order to protect myself. I couldn't justify my way out of believing that all was good and right with the world. If all were right, why was I hurting so much?
I promised myself before the age of 18, that I would never become jaded. I would listen to cynics, but never be one. That promise is becoming harder to keep.
I am having trouble finding a balance. How can I still have hope for the goodness of mankind, yet protect myself from anymore deception or pain?
I guess I am angry I have to figure out this balance. I am mad that I have lost a beautiful part of who I was. I can pretend like I still am trusting and only see the good in the world, but I am pretending. I now know better. I know what happens when you choose not to wise up to the world around you.
For the past few years I have learned to do adult things. Now I am learning to think and trust like one.
My innocence is gone.
What a tragedy.
3 comments:
I am infinitely impressed with you. You will not be permanently angry or jaded...allow yourself a little bit of time. You will recover your innocence. As a much wiser person than myself said...
"Through our own recovered innocence we discern the innocence of our neighbours."
- Henry David Thoreau
Amazing/lucky that you were able to keep in well into your 20s....that innocent, "artifical reality" is what drives me nuts about Orange County, but I can see how it could feel protective in a way.
I've never seen you cynical though - you can protect yourself and live in reality without being a cynic and you do a great job at that!
I stumbled across your blog and am so thankful... I am going through a divorce myself, and I have so many of the same feelings (you just seem to be better at putting them into words). Im sorry that you have gone through such a hard time, but I thankful to know that there can be light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck to you! And... thank you again for your words :)
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