Over the past few weeks I have felt a wider variety of emotions and at a deeper level than ever before. I find myself frustrated because I can't seem to stick to one feeling or even one thought. Sometimes I am calm and hopeful. Sometimes I am filled with anxiety and regret. Sometimes I am angry and cynical. It's a rollercoaster and I am getting sick.
There is a part of me that wishes I was a creator through all of this. I want an outlet. I want to be an artist, musician, poet or something to help me get all these thoughts and emotions out of me. The only release I have is writing, running and talking, but even these do not seem to be enough.
I feel like I am very demanding of myself. I am going through a life altering change, but I want to be healed now. I don't want to be affected by it anymore. I don't want to feel. I don't want to think. I don't want to trust.
I want the anxiety and bad dreams to go away. I want those deep down feelings that I am worthless to be cast out forever. I don't know how to change. I don't know how to fix myself. I don't know the right questions to ask. I am so frustrated that I can't just be okay for a week straight. I know that I should be patient and all that I am going through is normal, but I don't feel normal. I want to feel confident and strong. I want to feel stability. I am so demanding.
2 comments:
you are seriously such an amazing writer. If anything you have become stronger by being able to express these emotions through the written word. You know how to get thee reader to feel what you feel, see what you see, and become what you become. I love you so much. You are growing so much right now. You wouldn't be growing without these struggles placed before you.
shannon! i ran into your blog somehow! addie was down here and said that you are moving back to california in the summer. we HAVE to hang at the beach like old times, or maybe the ladera pool during school hours? miss you and thinking about you!
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