The high hit a bump. Today at a faculty meeting one of the administrators casually announced to everyone that I will not be coming back to teach next year. An announcement I was not ready to have made.
I have been working really hard for the last 6 months to keep on a game face. To not let a single thing slip that would result in being asked personal questions. That ended today.
The hardest part is, I have already been asked if I am pregnant or starting my family. Ouch. Saying no to that question and being so far from that even being a possibility right now hurts. A new and empty pain fills my heart.
I would be a liar if I didn't say the thoughts and plans of being a mother filled my mind almost everyday for the 3 years I was married. I would be liar if I didn't say loosing that hope is equally as bad as loosing a husband.
Teaching was never and will never be my end all. Motherhood is. I don't even really like kids, but I am already obsessed with my own. I was planning on starting a family this summer. I had everything planned out. My 25th birthday was supposed to represent something. Years 25-35 were already put away in my mind as the time to have children.
Another test of patience. Another plan changed. This is an emptiness that won't go away until it is filled. I have to suck it up. My students and many teachers don't know I am divorced and I don't want them to know. I have to face their questions and smile and laugh when I say, "Nope! Still not ready for children."
2 comments:
You are an amazingly passionate writer. I love hearing about how you feel. Thanks for sharing. I do believe that your children will be here sooner than your think. However I can empathize that the empty void feels like eternity. Hang in there sis :-)
I understand.
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