Sleep Living

Lately I have felt like I am sleeping through life. Not stage 4, NREM sleep, but that sleep right before you wake up. The sleep where you have some control over your dreams, but everything is fuzzy, vague, pale. I think I am seeing my world through sleepy eyes because this stage of my life is coming to an end. I am so conflicted about this change. I don't really want to see the bright colors. I don't want to revel in the great friendships. I don't want to love the life I'm leaving.

Confession.
I am anxious about this change.
 

It doesn't make any sense to me either. Finally, I can go home, be close to family. No strings attached. Isn't this what I have been waiting for? I am getting away from a life that was not entirely satisfying. Why am I dragging my feet?

The truth is I do love so much of the life I am leaving. I love that I can drive 10 minutes and hike up to an obscure waterfall. I love that I know exactly where to turn around on the Provo River Trail for the perfect workout. I love that I can leave my door unlocked. I love the blossoms of spring, the warm nights of summer and the yellow aspens of fall.

Other than familiarity, leaving these things should not be heart breaking. I can find new places to hike and run. My door is never locked behind the gates of Coto de Caza. I know my affinity for the ocean can replace my affinity for Utah’s seasons.

Sleep Living

I am sleep living because I love the people that will spontaneously take that hike with me. I cherish the conversations that naturally unfold along that river trail. I love the friendly strangers, neighbors, ward members and checkout clerks. I love the social buzz of spring, the carefree summer nights with friends you just met, and the bundled camaraderie of fall football games.

I am sleep living because I don’t want my roots to get any deeper.

Is my sleep living fear driven? Should I wake up for my last eleven days in Utah? Will the anticipation of separation be quieted due to this lackadaisical perspective?