Refusing to See What Was There All Along

Recently, I spent some time with my ex-husband.

It actually went okay. I was good. I didn't subconsciously call him "babe" or have dreams of him re-rejecting me in the nights to follow.

Although, I am still not able to see him for who he is and maybe I never will. How can you look at someone who has hurt you deeply and really accept that they are an all around good person? Why would that person be good to everyone but you? I don't know what I want to take from all of this. Part of me wants to hold on to the resentment and distrust I feel for him. It feels justified and safe. Another part of me would like to have some store of wisdom that can speak louder than my emotions and remind me that he wasn't trying to hurt me personally. He was mixed up and I happened to be in the way.

There is some proof that could add validation to the latter desire. Ty offered me more compliments during this 1 hour together than I believe he did during our last year of marriage. I found this interesting because everything he complimented was not new. I am the same person I was 6 months ago when he couldn't even sleep in the same room as me. He seemed to see me through new eyes.

During my marriage it was often a struggle to have high self esteem at home. I was really confident in my workplace and my social network, but rarely was I as confident in my marital relationship. I often felt unspoken pressure to be thinner, faster, smarter, cleaner, etc. When the divorce came, such insecurities of course were thought of as possible reasons for rejection. I just wasn't good enough. All those thoughts were wrong. The only reason I wasn't good enough, is because Tyler refused to see me for who I really was. He didn't want to get to know me. He didn't want to encourage or support me. And he didn't want to accept my encouragement or support either. I'm not sure why he felt this way. I don't know if he knows why he just couldn't be my friend.

I don't think this behavior is an isolated offense. Many times because of our own insecurities or prejudices we refuse to see people for who they really are. We are fearful that if we let them in, they may be disappointed, they may hurt us. So we keep a nice, casual distance. If they try to become part of our lives, we see what we want to see. We compete, stereotype, and nit pick to create a justification for our unwillingness to let them in. We choose our own reality based on whether or not we think it is worth giving up pieces of ourselves in exchange for a meaningful and fulfilling relationship.

I know I have been guilty of this behavior. I push people away because I am afraid they will hurt or reject me. I push people away because of some preconceived opinion of them. I push people away because I think I am not good enough for them. I even go through cycles of doing this when it comes to my faith in Christ. Keep things casual because of a fear of believing. Intellectualize and justify so you won't have to live up to a meaningful relationship with divinity. It sounds so foolish when plainly typed out, but this fear is a cause for lost faith, broken families and loneliness.

I'd like to overcome this mind game or unconscious quest for unwanted solidarity.Christ and the apostles are the prime example of people who have overcome this fear. They see people for who they really are. They may not accept all parts of a persons behavior, but they do accept the person. They are willing to let that person into their heart. They are interested in getting to know them, asking them questions, and offering love and encouragement. Christ doesn't push someone away because he is afraid of rejection or because he doesn't think they are good enough for him. Christ will even continue to offer that love and support when he is rejected. Why can't I?

I think this ability to see people for who they really are takes root in charity and a recognition of self worth. When we get outside of ourselves we have time to actually get to know one another. When we fill our minds with the goodness of another, the thoughts of not being good enough are dispelled.When we recognize our self worth, we don't feel as burned when someone else rejects our best of intentions.

I am filled with a resolute to try harder. I don't want fears to run my life. I don't want to push away from potentially fulfilling relationships. I don't want to be guilty of causing the same pain I have felt due to a refusal to see the good in another.