Checking into the Nut House

I never knew what it felt like to be crazy until this week. This month I have been really anxious. I wrote off the feeling because logically, I didn't have anything to really worry about. My divorce was final, all ties with my ex had been broken, and I was moving on. This anxiety got out of control this week. It was the weirdest thing. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, I couldn't focus on a conversation, I couldn't focus on a single thought, I couldn't read, I couldn't pray...I was essentially useless! My mind would not stopped running, but it wouldn't choose a direction to run in. I tried to control my thoughts. I tried to have just one thought, or no thoughts at all. I ran, I did yoga, I listened to music, I hiked, I talked, I pondered and got nowhere. I was ready to call my therapist, get some anti-anxiety meds and check myself into a Nut House just so I could have a peace of mind long enough to eat and sleep.

After pulling through such an unpleasant strain of emotion, I am filled with gratitude for the comfort and direction the teachings of gospel provide. Amidst my hysterics a priesthood blessing was suggested by a wise and loving friend. That blessing was given, along with advice and a serious pep talk that I was deeply in need of hearing.

A few things I would like to remember are: My Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of what I am going through. Even when I feel like I have not been a good enough person to receive any of that love, it is still there. I need to trust that I can feel that love even during weeks when my scripture reading and prayers are overrun by loud and self denigrating analyses. I need to remember that I am doing okay, maybe even awesome. I've had a heavy burden to carry for a 24 year old, and I haven't really done anything to deserve it. I've been strong. I haven't given up on my faith, my covenants or my hope for a better future. I haven't even taken a sick day at work for heaven's sake! I need to stop being so hard on myself. I am not behind. I'm not unlovable because I am not exactly who I want to be yet. I need to relax. I need to trust that the Lord does have a plan for me and it will lead to good places.

My focus the next few months is going to be to relax. I don't need to conquer the world and have my life perfectly mapped out by August. I can just bum around. I'm going to stop surviving and to start living. I am tired of feeling like the real me comes out through a filter dirtied by life's disappointments. I know who I am, I just need to start living like that person.