Damned for a Season

This blog post isn’t inspired. It won’t flow nicely or have deep, coherent thoughts. I am forcing myself to write tonight because I haven’t gauged where I am at in writing in a while and, for some reason, I think it is important to keep documentation of where I’m at regularly.

In general, life has been a lot better. I definitely am happier than I was this summer. I am now comfortable in my job and in my community. I have made many friends, and I stay really busy working, studying and socializing. Sometimes I am so happy that I find myself laughing out loud when I am driving along. Some days I feel more myself than I have felt in years. Those moments feel great.

I think part of the reason this happiness has settled in is because I have let go of trying so hard to be my version of perfect. This pressure I placed on myself was keeping me wound so tight and was inconsistent with who I was and am able to be today. No matter what I did in a day, week or month, I could not be who I was expecting myself to be because I’m not ready to move on. I need more time.

This break from attempted perfection is good and bad. It’s great because I can breathe. I don’t spend all my free time contemplating what I did right, what I did wrong, what I should be doing, who’s disappointed in me, why this happened, and how religion plays into the complexities of my life. Instead my free time is spent studying or light/shallow socializing. It is easy; it is fun; and I think it’s good for a season. The bad thing about my disinterest in being perfect is, it is kind of more like a disinterest in improving. I am more apathetic towards life now then I have ever been. I just don’t care about a lot of stuff that was at one time very important to me and I hope becomes very important to me again in the future.

It’s a weird place to be in. I don’t know when I’ll start caring again. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to seek out perfection and be the upstanding citizen, Mormon, daughter, wife, mother, teacher, etc. that I know is who I am. It’s weird when you know you are not living up to your potential and are okay with it. I just don’t want the pressure of failure again. I don’t want to trust or hurt. I am basically making the choice to be damned for a season. I hope forgiveness works and I hope hearts do change. I don’t want to be who I am today forever, but it is comfortable today. It is good today. I am so much less a person than I was during my marriage, but I am so much happier with who I am. I am accomplishing so much less, I am impacting so few people, I waste a lot time of time but I feel good.

This post was written on 10/11/2010. I just forgot to publish it!

Living the Life that Wants to Live in Me

Being on my own definietly has its perks. I am gradually checking off the list of aspirations a year ago I never thought I would reach. It feels incredible!

#1) Graduate school at a legit university

In progress.

I have always planned on attending graduate school, but my options while living in Utah were limited and I didn't fully have the support to pursue this amibition. This summer I have been doing a lot of research, visiting campuses, reading up on programs and talking to people within the education field. Having even just a few months away from education confirmed that education is where I belong. I start a GRE prep class tomorrow and am pumped! I can't wait to be a student again. My number one pick is the Curriculum and Instruction program at George Washington University. I will apply to 5 or 6 schools so that I have options come acceptance. The opportunity to attend any graduate school is elevating.  

#2) Going to Israel

On the books.

In 6th grade I did a country report on Israel and have been waiting for a chance to go ever since. I want to experience the land where Judaism and Christianity were founded. I want to see the places I've learn about my entire life. I want to experience a culture dominated by 3 world religions. I want to stand in a holy place and contemplate spiritual matters that are often only touched on within structured times and places. Although my first trip there will only be a day or two long, I plan on getting everything I can out of this experience. This will take place in April when my mom (Best Travel Buddy EVER) and I will be taking a Mediterranean cruise that starts in Rome and stops in Greece, Turkey, Israel and Egypt. :D

#3) Living back East

Not so distant future.

I don't know why, but I've always wanted to experience it.

#4) Running a marathon

Not so distant future.

Running has become somewhat of an obsession the past year or so. It's cheap therapy and gives me time to develop and maintain some emotional intelligence. I am not running crazy distances or anything extreme (I am not extreme about anything in life) but I just really enjoy it. I think I like it so much because for most of my life I didn't view myself as athletic. I thought I was weak, fragile and uncoordinated. As things got tough for me, running became a physical representation of inner strength. It proved to me that I can do things I never thought possible. Now that my life is more or less under control, I run because it makes me happy. I love matching the rhythem of my feet with my music, soaking in the beauty of the mountains or ocean and letting my thoughts graze over whatever channels of my mind seem most fitting at the time. I love that it is completely up to me how far or how fast I run. It doesn't effect anyone else, and therefore no one can influence or control those almost sacred 45 minutes. (I should probably commit an entire entry to my fondness for running.) In anycase, I also really enjoy races. I ran two half marathons last year and am itching to take on a marathon. With the time I anticipate spending on studying for the GRE and the toll heels and retail have been taking on my feet, I won't start training until January, but I will run one by June of 2011.

#5) Driving cross country

Complete!

Already recorded here.

#6) Roadtripping down PCH

Complete!

Full record, here.

#7) Getting my nose peirced

Complete!

When I peirced my nose in July, it came as a surprise to many people. I don't know why, considering I've wanted one since I was 13. I loved the peircing and it looked great. Unfortunately I took it out last week because like my ear peircings, my body was objecting to healing up around a foriegn object (It took 4 long years for my ear peircings to be normal). The peircing has healed  up just fine and I am already itching to peirce it again being more mindful of the metal chosen and care given. I really miss it!

#8) Living in a foriegn country

Rudimentary Exploring Stages.

I'll keep you posted if I can knock this one out before graduate school. If you know of any jobs or opportunities to live and preferably teach/serve abroad, let me know!

I want to end this entry emphasizing that life is good. I was definitely unhappy and probably depressed this summer, but I've snapped out of it! My passion and ambition have returned with vengence. ;) I am excited about life again. I am making friends and laughing easily. I feel in control and unstoppable.

Hear, Hear

As already stated, this summer has been challenging. Change has ruined me, yet, when I am not in a bout of lethargy, I am overwhelmed by the ways I want change in my life. I have avoided writing because when I write, the recesses of my soul come through, and it is easier to be numb than getting chummy with the hidden monsters that manifests themselves when I am worn down or reluctantly inspired.

This extended period of numbness comes at a price. You can only do so little, for so long and still feel human. Although I do fill my days with this and that, I feel like I do so little, because so little of what I do is personally fulfilling. My life before was so fulfilling. Many people depended on me and I was able to make a difference regularly. Now, I take a look at myself at the end of the day and conclude that I didn’t improve that man’s quality of life by outfitting him for his next bar scene hook up and I’m not really improving myself by flipping through Esquire and Vogue so I can spout off the latest fashions to the few people who still have the money to care.

I made a conscious effort to be selfish for a season. Or rather, to take some time off from my traditional responsibilities so I could sufficiently tend to myself for a time.

I am learning that tending to others is the best way to tend to myself.

I need to find balance. I still have sudden urges to move to a developing nation to teach hygiene and English, but something tells me that would be running away from, not solving this inner turmoil. Now is not the time to be engulfed in overwhelming need. I need to be okay with me before I serve in a demanding environment. The impact of a newly woven rope is greater and longer lasting than one that is already frayed.

What do I need more than anything right now?

I need to feel and believe that I am useful. I need to do some good.

I have spent the summer searching for career and educational opportunities. I have postponed my GRE prep class twice and am contemplating postponing it for a third. I have run 10 miles a week, barely. I have finished 2 books. I have moseyed around with strange company. I have slept in till 9:30. I have seen 1 movie. This is what I have to show for myself...

I think I am actually less motivated to do things for myself, the more time for myself I have.

I think focusing on others will give me perspective again. It will provide me with the human emotions I long for. It will motivate me to wake up in the morning. You may be reading this and saying, “duh, Shannon”, but it is a bit of a revelation right now. In the past I always served others because I liked to do it and I thought people needed me. I never realized how much I needed service to feel okay.

So here’s to a little progress. Here’s to a small change. Here’s to attempted potential fulfillment. Here’s to selfish service with a hope that it will put a small aspect of my life back on course.

Hear, Hear.

Shannon, 6 months out

This summer has been more challenging than I ever thought to even consider. I was completely unprepared for the challenges of moving away from my career and community and starting over. For the first time in my life, I have to make a very conscious effort to keep my discontent and cynicism at bay. I am still deeply affected by my divorce. I thought because the pain of rejection had subsided, I would naturally go back to being my optimistic and sensitive self. I thought I could go back to being “pre-Tyler” Shannon. I think recognizing that that person doesn’t exist anymore is what has brought me the greatest amount of sorrow. I was such a beautiful, wholesome and loving person. I know my marriage was unfulfilling and dysfunctional most the time, but it made sense. Life rarely makes sense anymore.

I have been mind numb this summer [Sorry to everyone who I have ignored, or failed to express my love and gratitude for lately…]. I can’t think, I can’t feel, I can’t perform like I used to. My thoughts are incomplete, my feelings are shallow and I lack the motivation and confidence to take on anything great.


I want is to face every skeleton and move on. I don’t want to be affected by this anymore. I want to be myself. I want to feel like I matter again. I want to be overwhelmed by the goodness of others and the beauty of the world around me. I want my passion for human kindness and my love for learning back.


I don’t know how to get these things back. I don’t know how to heal any faster. I don’t how to fix broken trust. I want to make sure that all my wounds heal up clean. I am not going to fill my mind with distractions and crap while my wounds scab over, just to have them open back up at the first sign of distress. I think what I am going through is temporary and just part of the healing process. I hope I am doing something right…


I have withheld from posting my writings this summer, because most of them sound like this; depressing. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is part of the process. I want to remember all phases of going through a life changing challenge, so when I go through another, I will know what to expect. Maybe I’ll know how to heal faster next time. Maybe I’ll be the first person to write a book on overcoming divorce for the Latter-day Saint. (Deseret book only has books on how to make marriages last – I’ve checked). Maybe it will help me to comfort others who are going through a hard time too. Maybe there is meaning and purpose to being confused and depressed for a few months. I’ll let you know in my upcoming writings.

Tumbled

If I were to really tell you what I've been thinking about this summer, you'd be depressed. This summer has been an interesting time in my life. Surprisingly challenging. I've spent most of the summer trying to distract myself from my disappointment. For some reason I thought because I had gone through a hard thing this year, as soon as I moved away, everything would fall into place. Like I deserved "a break" from life's challenges. I don't know if life takes breaks.

I'm still recovering. I feel like I am a constant state of disorientation. The kind of disorientation you get when you're tumbled in the surf. You thought you dove deep enough, but the forces of nature have you struggling to find the surface, while simultaneously spreading salt and sand into every orphus of your body. When you're spit out onto the shore, you stagger for a few minutes. Remove the hair from your eyes, wipe the snot from your face and cough up what salt water you can.

I wonder if I am still caught in the wave, or am just recovering from the tumble.

A Reality Worth Dreaming About

Last night I went and saw a movie called "Inception" with a friend. The movie was about dreams and a subplot focused on a characters inability to decipher between what was reality and what was not. The character got so caught up in her dream world with the people she loved, she lost a grip on reality.

This idea struck a chord with me. Last night my dreams were filled with happy memories. They took me back to a time and place where I loved and was loved in return. Back to the time when I loved so deeply, that even the idea of being apart was painful. I liked that time. I liked the smiles, the familiar phrases, the spontaneous laughter, and the excitement for a future together.

Part of me wishes I didn't wake up today. I wish I could have stayed in that dream world a little longer. Another part of me wishes my subconscious would stop reminding me that I still care.

Waking up from this world is really hard. Being reminded of reality when how things were and should have been is just a dream away makes you feel like you've relived the whole experience in the split second between sleep and awake. It is an emotionally draining way to start your day.

I worry that I am starting to forget the injustices and the "fundamental differences". Forgetting the bad is leaving me with more pronounced memories of the good and I feel incredibly vulnerable.

I have a good life now. It's filled with people that love me, independence, and self-awareness. I thought this new and good life would help me to stop missing the past, but the constant and subtle ache lingers. I miss the little things. I miss Crate and Barrel glasses stacked along side the bed...

I need to stay away from this dream world. I need to remember the disregard and deception. I cannot romanticize the past and hope to move forward.

I need to wake up. Wake up when I am weak. Wake up when I wonder or wish to go back to the way things were. Wake up from the peaceful reality of my dreams so I can more diligently create a reality worth dreaming about.

Golden Day

On June 25th, 2010, I turned 25 years old. For some childish reason, I have been looking forward to this "Golden Birthday" for years. After much deliberation over what to do to make it memorable, I settled upon a PCH road trip with the one and only KHill. I was not disappointed by this decision.

Our first stop was UC Berkeley which was fairly uneventful other than being followed by a GreenPeace lesbian who informed us of the Gay Pride weekend and parade taking place in San Fran.  We cancelled our reservation at the SF hostel, booked a hotel outside of the city, and I signed up for GreenPeace.

Next we headed into the city and went to the Great Park Museum to see an Impressionist exhibit that was on loan from the Musee D'Orsey. Some of my all time favorite paintings were on display and having dabbled into oil painting lately I developed an even greater appreciation for the talent of these Frenchmen. In San Francisco we also drove around the city, down Lombard street and meet up with some friends for dinner. It was a great day.

We stayed in Santa Cruz and I woke up the next morning and explored the little beach town on my run. I have a slight obsession with sightseeing while running. It is just so exhilarating! I loved Santa Cruz. We stumbled upon a Woodie's "expo", went on the Giant Dipper roller coaster and watched what seemed like extreme surfing to me.

Our next stop was Monterrey where we went to the aquarium and had dinner. I LOVED the otters there. It was awesome because they were not only playful and fun at the aquarium but they were also easily spotted all along the coast! That night we stayed at a hostel and met people from all over the country and world. Haha, I think it was one of the best things I have ever done. From now on, I will definitely check into hostels for my US travels. You just can't beat a clean bed, timed showers and diverse company for 20 bucks a night!

The next morning we drove through Pebble Beach and Big Sur. We stopped in San Luis Obispo and watched the World Cup over a hamburger and sweet potato fries and visited the bubble gum ally (GROSS) and the mission. I really liked the feel of San Luis Obispo and am going to check out the grad program offerings there. From SLO, we continued to drive through Santa Barbara, Ventura and Malibu and ended up back in LA where we started.

Doing this trip with Kristen was perfect. She was an excellent travel companion and we had plenty to discuss and analyze for 3 days straight. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend to celebrate my 25th!