Fall in Recap

Disclaimer: this blog is freaking boring at first because it is just a recap. No creativity went into this writing. I am falling asleep as I write it, but it may be worthwhile to remember one day. :)

A lot has happened since I last posted. In October I went to Washington DC and NYC to check out graduate schools, specifically George Washington University and Columbia. The trip was really just an excuse to go back East for the fall and I had a great time traveling with my friend Sugar and visiting Aubrey, Julia, Cindy, Christina, Caitlyn and many other friends who happened to be in the city. I thought visiting the campuses of the universities I was most interested in would really help move me in a direction toward grad school, but I found that I was not very impressed by George Washington and discovered I needed a little more time to refine exactly what I wanted to study within the field of education. When I got back from my trip, I started applying to teaching positions again. At this point I was feeling more than fed up with retail, I had been working at Nordstrom since July, due to the inconvenient hours, stress on my feet and little pay. I explored international teaching positions earlier in the year, but the timing was off. I liked the idea of teaching abroad, but was not emotionally in a place where I could really handle the added stress of being away from everything familiar.

As I returned from my October trip, on a whim I applied to an English teaching position in Korea. A recruiter called me that day to interview me and by the end of the week I had interviewed with the director of a hugwon in Busan and been offered a job to start in December. After some discussion and research I accepted the job and began to live my life louder than I had the courage to do in years.

November and December of 2010 were more fun than I can remember having in a long time. I had no inhibitions and was finally willing to let new people into my life. Before I accepted the job, I intentionally was spending my time with people that weren’t worth it. I was afraid to create meaningful relationships again because I didn’t want to open myself up to being hurt by anyone else. Having a departure date gave me confidence to make friendships. I didn’t think anything could get too deep in a two month period, so I was safe to live and love openly and then say goodbye. I did live and love openly. I went on a girls trip to Vegas, went to clubs in LA and Orange County, went to organized activities with other LDS friends, I went to parties, I danced with friends, I danced alone in my room, I sang in the shower, I spent time spoiling Max and Audrey, I was spontaneous, I smiled all the time and I made up for all the laughing I’d missed out on. Living so freely felt incredible and probably had a greater healing impact than anything to this point.

My plan to have fun then peace out, did not exactly go according to plan. Much to my surprise, I made friends that I am deeply attached to. I don’t know what happened to me in the mess of marriage and divorce, but I somehow forgot or didn’t believe that people really cared to get to know me and then would continue to care about me unless there was something in it for them. I was highly sensitive to being manipulated or used and additionally felt like I had little to offer seeing as I couldn’t trust people and was unsure about my beliefs.

This group of friends did not see the person I saw. They openly loved and accepted all of me. Their words were always kind and encouraging. They were interested in listening to what I was going through and were accepting of the things I struggled accepting about myself. They gave hugs freely, laughed easily and could go from dancing to deep conversation within minutes. Some of these friendships were established weeks before I left, but I know they are going to still be there when I get back. I am moved and deeply emotional due to the gratitude I feel for these people in my life. At a time when I have given God the least amount of attention he deserves, I can’t help but be humbled by this testimony that he still cares about me and wants me to have hope, friendship and love in my life.

I am in Korea now, starting another chapter. There will be more to come!

Here are a few pics of these beloved months and friends:

Try again. Fail Better.

Written on 12/05/2010

I am not sure where to begin. I have been ignoring myself for a long time now. It is so easy to be distracted when there are always friends, parties and the world wide web around. I feel really out of sync with who I am. I am not sure what I want or what I believe anymore. Or maybe it is not that I am not sure, but I have been ignoring it for a long time. I have stopped thinking about the future and have been living in the moment. The problem is, when you live in the moment you only experience the emotion of that moment. Your emotions are so much more shallow because you don't have hope, you don't have a plan, you don't have a foundation. The shallow emotion is attractive. It is easier. It is so much work to be emotionally aware. It hurts to constantly be self evaluating, realizing what needs to change and then actually following through and fixing things. I feel like I am loosing my ability to change. I used to view myself as someone with tenacity, self discipline, and character. Now I'm not sure. I feel like I can be blown where ever the wing takes me. 

I feel really alone. I sometimes miss Tyler. Should I be embarrassed that I still love him? It doesn't make sense because I don't think he ever really got me. I think I miss him because there is safety in knowing once upon a time I trusted someone. Although that belief was proven wrong, I think I associate that ability to be open and trusting, with Tyler. I miss parts of who I was when I was with him. I am scared to even believe I can give of myself to someone again. Again, I don't understand why. I got through rejection once before, I could probably get through it again. 

Overcoming this fear is essential. Not because I want a relationship now but because hope seems to be a package deal for me. If I can't hope in finding someone who I can love and who will love me in return, then I can't hope in marriage, families, stability, etc. Nothing really matters when you don't have hope. Se la vie; eat, drink and be merry; carpe diem. Days can be filled with adventures, laughter and intellect, but the next morning those things are gone and you have to come up with something or someone else to make the day rich. I want everyday to be rich again. 

The few moments when I choose to be honest with myself I know exactly what I want and it stings. It stings because I was so close to having it and because it now feels so far away. 

I'm going to work on hope for now. I'm going to start thinking about the future and believing that my future can be filled with good things. I'm going to risk trusting again. I'm going to believe I can try again and it will turn out better. 

Damned for a Season

This blog post isn’t inspired. It won’t flow nicely or have deep, coherent thoughts. I am forcing myself to write tonight because I haven’t gauged where I am at in writing in a while and, for some reason, I think it is important to keep documentation of where I’m at regularly.

In general, life has been a lot better. I definitely am happier than I was this summer. I am now comfortable in my job and in my community. I have made many friends, and I stay really busy working, studying and socializing. Sometimes I am so happy that I find myself laughing out loud when I am driving along. Some days I feel more myself than I have felt in years. Those moments feel great.

I think part of the reason this happiness has settled in is because I have let go of trying so hard to be my version of perfect. This pressure I placed on myself was keeping me wound so tight and was inconsistent with who I was and am able to be today. No matter what I did in a day, week or month, I could not be who I was expecting myself to be because I’m not ready to move on. I need more time.

This break from attempted perfection is good and bad. It’s great because I can breathe. I don’t spend all my free time contemplating what I did right, what I did wrong, what I should be doing, who’s disappointed in me, why this happened, and how religion plays into the complexities of my life. Instead my free time is spent studying or light/shallow socializing. It is easy; it is fun; and I think it’s good for a season. The bad thing about my disinterest in being perfect is, it is kind of more like a disinterest in improving. I am more apathetic towards life now then I have ever been. I just don’t care about a lot of stuff that was at one time very important to me and I hope becomes very important to me again in the future.

It’s a weird place to be in. I don’t know when I’ll start caring again. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to seek out perfection and be the upstanding citizen, Mormon, daughter, wife, mother, teacher, etc. that I know is who I am. It’s weird when you know you are not living up to your potential and are okay with it. I just don’t want the pressure of failure again. I don’t want to trust or hurt. I am basically making the choice to be damned for a season. I hope forgiveness works and I hope hearts do change. I don’t want to be who I am today forever, but it is comfortable today. It is good today. I am so much less a person than I was during my marriage, but I am so much happier with who I am. I am accomplishing so much less, I am impacting so few people, I waste a lot time of time but I feel good.

This post was written on 10/11/2010. I just forgot to publish it!

Living the Life that Wants to Live in Me

Being on my own definietly has its perks. I am gradually checking off the list of aspirations a year ago I never thought I would reach. It feels incredible!

#1) Graduate school at a legit university

In progress.

I have always planned on attending graduate school, but my options while living in Utah were limited and I didn't fully have the support to pursue this amibition. This summer I have been doing a lot of research, visiting campuses, reading up on programs and talking to people within the education field. Having even just a few months away from education confirmed that education is where I belong. I start a GRE prep class tomorrow and am pumped! I can't wait to be a student again. My number one pick is the Curriculum and Instruction program at George Washington University. I will apply to 5 or 6 schools so that I have options come acceptance. The opportunity to attend any graduate school is elevating.  

#2) Going to Israel

On the books.

In 6th grade I did a country report on Israel and have been waiting for a chance to go ever since. I want to experience the land where Judaism and Christianity were founded. I want to see the places I've learn about my entire life. I want to experience a culture dominated by 3 world religions. I want to stand in a holy place and contemplate spiritual matters that are often only touched on within structured times and places. Although my first trip there will only be a day or two long, I plan on getting everything I can out of this experience. This will take place in April when my mom (Best Travel Buddy EVER) and I will be taking a Mediterranean cruise that starts in Rome and stops in Greece, Turkey, Israel and Egypt. :D

#3) Living back East

Not so distant future.

I don't know why, but I've always wanted to experience it.

#4) Running a marathon

Not so distant future.

Running has become somewhat of an obsession the past year or so. It's cheap therapy and gives me time to develop and maintain some emotional intelligence. I am not running crazy distances or anything extreme (I am not extreme about anything in life) but I just really enjoy it. I think I like it so much because for most of my life I didn't view myself as athletic. I thought I was weak, fragile and uncoordinated. As things got tough for me, running became a physical representation of inner strength. It proved to me that I can do things I never thought possible. Now that my life is more or less under control, I run because it makes me happy. I love matching the rhythem of my feet with my music, soaking in the beauty of the mountains or ocean and letting my thoughts graze over whatever channels of my mind seem most fitting at the time. I love that it is completely up to me how far or how fast I run. It doesn't effect anyone else, and therefore no one can influence or control those almost sacred 45 minutes. (I should probably commit an entire entry to my fondness for running.) In anycase, I also really enjoy races. I ran two half marathons last year and am itching to take on a marathon. With the time I anticipate spending on studying for the GRE and the toll heels and retail have been taking on my feet, I won't start training until January, but I will run one by June of 2011.

#5) Driving cross country

Complete!

Already recorded here.

#6) Roadtripping down PCH

Complete!

Full record, here.

#7) Getting my nose peirced

Complete!

When I peirced my nose in July, it came as a surprise to many people. I don't know why, considering I've wanted one since I was 13. I loved the peircing and it looked great. Unfortunately I took it out last week because like my ear peircings, my body was objecting to healing up around a foriegn object (It took 4 long years for my ear peircings to be normal). The peircing has healed  up just fine and I am already itching to peirce it again being more mindful of the metal chosen and care given. I really miss it!

#8) Living in a foriegn country

Rudimentary Exploring Stages.

I'll keep you posted if I can knock this one out before graduate school. If you know of any jobs or opportunities to live and preferably teach/serve abroad, let me know!

I want to end this entry emphasizing that life is good. I was definitely unhappy and probably depressed this summer, but I've snapped out of it! My passion and ambition have returned with vengence. ;) I am excited about life again. I am making friends and laughing easily. I feel in control and unstoppable.

Hear, Hear

As already stated, this summer has been challenging. Change has ruined me, yet, when I am not in a bout of lethargy, I am overwhelmed by the ways I want change in my life. I have avoided writing because when I write, the recesses of my soul come through, and it is easier to be numb than getting chummy with the hidden monsters that manifests themselves when I am worn down or reluctantly inspired.

This extended period of numbness comes at a price. You can only do so little, for so long and still feel human. Although I do fill my days with this and that, I feel like I do so little, because so little of what I do is personally fulfilling. My life before was so fulfilling. Many people depended on me and I was able to make a difference regularly. Now, I take a look at myself at the end of the day and conclude that I didn’t improve that man’s quality of life by outfitting him for his next bar scene hook up and I’m not really improving myself by flipping through Esquire and Vogue so I can spout off the latest fashions to the few people who still have the money to care.

I made a conscious effort to be selfish for a season. Or rather, to take some time off from my traditional responsibilities so I could sufficiently tend to myself for a time.

I am learning that tending to others is the best way to tend to myself.

I need to find balance. I still have sudden urges to move to a developing nation to teach hygiene and English, but something tells me that would be running away from, not solving this inner turmoil. Now is not the time to be engulfed in overwhelming need. I need to be okay with me before I serve in a demanding environment. The impact of a newly woven rope is greater and longer lasting than one that is already frayed.

What do I need more than anything right now?

I need to feel and believe that I am useful. I need to do some good.

I have spent the summer searching for career and educational opportunities. I have postponed my GRE prep class twice and am contemplating postponing it for a third. I have run 10 miles a week, barely. I have finished 2 books. I have moseyed around with strange company. I have slept in till 9:30. I have seen 1 movie. This is what I have to show for myself...

I think I am actually less motivated to do things for myself, the more time for myself I have.

I think focusing on others will give me perspective again. It will provide me with the human emotions I long for. It will motivate me to wake up in the morning. You may be reading this and saying, “duh, Shannon”, but it is a bit of a revelation right now. In the past I always served others because I liked to do it and I thought people needed me. I never realized how much I needed service to feel okay.

So here’s to a little progress. Here’s to a small change. Here’s to attempted potential fulfillment. Here’s to selfish service with a hope that it will put a small aspect of my life back on course.

Hear, Hear.

Shannon, 6 months out

This summer has been more challenging than I ever thought to even consider. I was completely unprepared for the challenges of moving away from my career and community and starting over. For the first time in my life, I have to make a very conscious effort to keep my discontent and cynicism at bay. I am still deeply affected by my divorce. I thought because the pain of rejection had subsided, I would naturally go back to being my optimistic and sensitive self. I thought I could go back to being “pre-Tyler” Shannon. I think recognizing that that person doesn’t exist anymore is what has brought me the greatest amount of sorrow. I was such a beautiful, wholesome and loving person. I know my marriage was unfulfilling and dysfunctional most the time, but it made sense. Life rarely makes sense anymore.

I have been mind numb this summer [Sorry to everyone who I have ignored, or failed to express my love and gratitude for lately…]. I can’t think, I can’t feel, I can’t perform like I used to. My thoughts are incomplete, my feelings are shallow and I lack the motivation and confidence to take on anything great.


I want is to face every skeleton and move on. I don’t want to be affected by this anymore. I want to be myself. I want to feel like I matter again. I want to be overwhelmed by the goodness of others and the beauty of the world around me. I want my passion for human kindness and my love for learning back.


I don’t know how to get these things back. I don’t know how to heal any faster. I don’t how to fix broken trust. I want to make sure that all my wounds heal up clean. I am not going to fill my mind with distractions and crap while my wounds scab over, just to have them open back up at the first sign of distress. I think what I am going through is temporary and just part of the healing process. I hope I am doing something right…


I have withheld from posting my writings this summer, because most of them sound like this; depressing. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is part of the process. I want to remember all phases of going through a life changing challenge, so when I go through another, I will know what to expect. Maybe I’ll know how to heal faster next time. Maybe I’ll be the first person to write a book on overcoming divorce for the Latter-day Saint. (Deseret book only has books on how to make marriages last – I’ve checked). Maybe it will help me to comfort others who are going through a hard time too. Maybe there is meaning and purpose to being confused and depressed for a few months. I’ll let you know in my upcoming writings.

Tumbled

If I were to really tell you what I've been thinking about this summer, you'd be depressed. This summer has been an interesting time in my life. Surprisingly challenging. I've spent most of the summer trying to distract myself from my disappointment. For some reason I thought because I had gone through a hard thing this year, as soon as I moved away, everything would fall into place. Like I deserved "a break" from life's challenges. I don't know if life takes breaks.

I'm still recovering. I feel like I am a constant state of disorientation. The kind of disorientation you get when you're tumbled in the surf. You thought you dove deep enough, but the forces of nature have you struggling to find the surface, while simultaneously spreading salt and sand into every orphus of your body. When you're spit out onto the shore, you stagger for a few minutes. Remove the hair from your eyes, wipe the snot from your face and cough up what salt water you can.

I wonder if I am still caught in the wave, or am just recovering from the tumble.