I Feel So Messed Up

Disclosure: This entry may be painful to read - don't continue reading if you only want to hear about strength, hope and happiness.

Lately I have begun to realize how messed up this situation is making me. As I was going through the pain of rejection, I was too overwhelmed with feelings to really think deeply and long term. Now that the pain has subsided, I am realizing major issues I am going to have to face as I struggle to regain my feet again in this world.

I have found myself feeling so worthless and cast aside. So much of what I hold so dear has been completely disrespected - my trust, my love, my commitment, my temple marrige, my loyalty, my intimacy. I have found myself having thoughts that if I marry again, I don't want to marry in the temple for a while, at least not until that person has proved that he plans on sticking around for eternity. I am sick that I married someone for eternity and that commitment meant nothing to that person. I am sick that I gave everything I had to give and it has just been thrown aside. I can't get my mind around how someone could live with themselves after so deeply disrespecting the person they claimed to love.

I have no idea how I can have a functional relationship again. (Not that it matters now because I just found out this week that my divorce is going to take even longer....I cried when I heard the news - I just want to be free and get away from everything that ties me to all this pain). I don't know how I can really trust anyone again. I have learned that people change. I always knew this, but now I know that people can change for the worst. It is not always the happy repentance story I once thought it was. How will I know the next person I openly give of myself to won't change? I hate that there is no security. No matter what you do, NOTHING insures that you won't be hurt again.

I feel like I deserve an apology. I feel like this person doesn't even recognize the pain, heart ache and complete dis-functionality he has so carelessly given me. Are people born without empathy? Is it possible to really feel NOTHING when it is so obvious that your actions are affecting someone so deeply?

I know I should move forward with faith, but right now my faith has been replaced with fear. I believe that there are good people out there, and I bet there is even a good guy out there that would be happy to remain committed to me forever. But I am not sure that I will ever have the courage to give that person a chance.

Right now, I feel pretty messed up.

Eyes Wide Open

This blog is a follow up on my "Loss of Innocence" blog.

I have thought a lot about losing the rose colored glasses I held so dear. At first I was angry about having to see the world for what was really there. I thought living a life in which I chose to see only the good was the best life I could live. I now have a difference of opinion.

I almost feel foolish for not taking a look at what was really there sooner. I was so determined to believe that my life, and specifically my marriage were right and good. I chose to be completely blinded by what was there. I think I did this because I didn't know what else to do and I had so much hope that things were good and would just get better.

I feel like the character in Plato's Allegory of the Cave. I believed shadows on a cave wall to be reality. This situation has thrust me into the light of truth. Such truth is very painful at first. You feel so lost and so deceived that you would love just go back into your ignorance. It was so safe there. As my eyes have adjusted to brightness of truth, I have found that I can now live a life filled with more color and more honesty. By seeing truth and by seeing the world for what is really there, I do experience greater sorrow, but also have a lot of hope that I will experience greater joy. I think I can now experience greater joy because I will be better prepared to recognize it. I will find true joy, rather than trying to force the puzzle piece of my life into being joyful.

I was really scared that I would turn into a cynic. Although, now I believe that does not have to be the case. Even though I no longer believe in the unblemished goodness of humankind, that doesn't mean that I automatically will see the worst in everyone either. I haven't exactly figured out how I will see things, although I hope that I can just see what is really there and respond appropriately.

Today I am content looking upon the good and the evil of the world. It feels truthful and right.

My innocence was taken from me, but I think what I lost is worth what I have gained and will continue to gain from this life lesson.

Help!

I need blog help.

Since I went private, my blog settings have changed and I no longer have the icon to add pictures.

Anyone know what I should do?

A Loss of Innocence

This is my third week on my own and by far the driest week in at least two months. I am ashamed to say, but this week the anger finally set in. It came differently than I expected. I didn't want to break things, spend someone elses money or cause unnecessary suffering like what is demonstrated in popular songs and movies. Originally I was sad for what I was loosing. Then I was sad for what was being taken away. Now I am angry that something has been taken and I have no way of getting it back.

I am not talking about my husband. I am talking about my innocence.

I feel like this is where the true tradegy lies. I used to live in a dream world. I believed there were only good people with good intentions. Good people would only do bad things due to unfavorable circumstances. I spent countless hours justifying the poor choices of those around me and truly believed although their actions were wrong, their hearts were right. I trusted everyone and believed if I had no intention to hurt them, they would have no intention to hurt me. While living in this dream world, I knew it wasn't reality, but I was determined to make it my reality. I wanted to go through life only seeing the good in others. It is a noble thing to want. It was part of me. I believed there would always be someone there to protect me, to save me from having to see true ugliness of life.

The past few months have forced me to remove my rose colored glasses. I had to start seeing what was really there, in order to protect myself. I couldn't justify my way out of believing that all was good and right with the world. If all were right, why was I hurting so much?

I promised myself before the age of 18, that I would never become jaded. I would listen to cynics, but never be one. That promise is becoming harder to keep.

I am having trouble finding a balance. How can I still have hope for the goodness of mankind, yet protect myself from anymore deception or pain?

I guess I am angry I have to figure out this balance. I am mad that I have lost a beautiful part of who I was. I can pretend like I still am trusting and only see the good in the world, but I am pretending. I now know better. I know what happens when you choose not to wise up to the world around you.

For the past few years I have learned to do adult things. Now I am learning to think and trust like one.

My innocence is gone.

What a tragedy.

Happy to Be Back

I had to refrain from posting on my blog for a few days in order to transition into making my blog private. I don't really like the idea of having a private blog, but certain times call for certain measures!

If you are reading this now, you are one of the lucky ones who gets to be in on the "drama" of my life. Apparently this blog was adding to the drama of my life, so I hope from here on out, it will just be a good way for those of you who care about me to know what is going on in my life. I am banking on my crazy life to calm down soon, so I am sure within weeks this will go back to a fairly predictable and boring record of my life.

A disclaimer on reading this blog: Especially now that my blog is private, I do not intend on censoring my posts. I am not going to become ludicrously crass or use it as a passive aggressive way to show people I am upset with them, but I am going to be honest about my thoughts and feelings. Just so it is clear, I would never intentionally try to hurt anyone, especially in a public way.

Okay, on to lighter things.

The past few days have been really good. I feel like I have adjusted to my new life. I really love my roommates (Addie and Anna), I like the place I am living and my little room feels like a safe haven from the world. The place where I now live has a club house with a small gym that no one seems to use but me! It has been great getting back into exercising and being able to do it in a place where I won't run into people from my old life and have to explain my story. Such encounters have proven to be fairly awkward. No one really knows what to say and many people want more of an explanation than I really am willing to give. I think this will continue to get easier though. I also have enjoyed reconnecting with friends from my past. I must say that Orange County friendship never die!

Church has proven to be the most difficult part of my week. I guess it is because now I feel like EVERY lesson and talk focuses on Eternal Marriage and Families. I believe in eternal families, but facing the fact that I no longer have prospects for an eternal family is hard. I know every thinks I shouldn't worry about it, but I am worried. Apparently gaining and maintaining an eternal family is a lot more difficult than it sounds!

My work has been goodish. My 8th graders have been driving me nuts. This is my 3rd year teaching 8th grade US history and I think I am ready for a change. I am teaching the same curriculum, so it is easy, but I am essentially on my 18th time of teaching each lesson (6 class, for 3 years). I also wish I could draw more out from my students. They are just too young to have thought provoking conversations. They are really sweet and good kids though. Teaching 9th grade has been really fun. I started teaching geography at the beginning of the semester and I think it is so interesting and applicable to these kids. I have used a lot of the resources from my BYU job, so that has really helped. My BYU job is awesome as usual. I have another great semester of amazing students and we are planning on doing another LA trip. It should be fun.

In addition to these updates, I have become involved in a non-profit to help out orphanages in Haiti. I am really excited about this. Not the disaster of course, but the reality that I can help. I will post a separate blog about that tonight.

I am glad to be back!

The Man

I felt like I needed to post this blog, so that all would know, and so myself and my posterity can remember, that there is good in all of us.

It is easy when you have been hurt, or when someone you love has been hurt, to falsely accuse or to jump to conclusions. You feel betrayed and confused by what is going on and you want an explanation. I have felt this way. I have ask questions and gone through scenarios hundreds of times in my mind, searching for the crime that fits my punishment. I am beginning to realize that it does not have to be that way. There did not have to be some major crime to bring about the way I am feeling. There does not have to be a criminal.

All there is is a man. A man who is trying to do his best. Someone who has cared deeply for his family and loved ones his whole life. Who has carefully chosen his path, in hopes that those loved ones would be proud of him. This man has made some mistakes. We all have weaknesses and some times we humble ourselves to make those weaknesses strengths and sometimes we hold on to those weaknesses allowing ourselves to become in reality even weaker.

This man loves people. He does not judge, but can truly and openly accept and offer friendship to anyone he meets.

This man is very smart and often conflicted because what he understands in his mind may not always be congruent with what he feels in his heart. We all battle with what our mind understands and with what our heart guides us to do. It is a hard battle.

This man holds the power of influence. If you were ever in the midst of a conflict, it would be great blessing to have him on your side. I think light and darkness have been fighting for the support of this man for a long time. They each understand his worth, his strength and his ability to led others. How unfair that we all get caught in the middle of this battle!

This man is strong, but a little scared and a little alone. That battle he is fighting is leaving scars. It is leaving a path of destruction. The battle is not over. The story has not been written yet.

I still have faith that all is not lost. My marriage may be a casualty, but it is a loss that through the power of the atonement, I can bare loosing.

The man will not loose. He is of infinite worth to his Heavenly Father. He is of infinite worth to his family and loved ones. Maybe he can recognize this worth through our eyes, if we will clear our vision of hurt and an expectation to fail and fill it with the truth.

I am not sure if this great man knows how loved he is or how much everyone desires for him to find peace and happiness.

I would hope that if I were fighting a hard battle, all would see me for who I am rather than for how I am behaving. That is why we are commanded to love our enemies, to do good to those that spitefully use us, and to pray for those who mistreat us. There is much more to a person than what meets the eye.

We are defined by more than what we see this day, this month or even this year. The Man is a Good Man and I don't want to hear that he is not, even if I am seeking the comfort that might provide. In times of challenge we all must have faith, we must prayerfully ask to see the truth and worth in each other, and often times we must look beyond what is happening or how we feel today and hold onto hope for the future.

My Blog Will Be Private in 5 Days

Hi Everyone-

I need to make my blog private until my life settles down.

If you would like to continue reading my blog, please send me your email address by January 20th.