Jaded

I don’t like who I am right now. I don’t like being broken. I want to be confident. I want to feel like my life has a purpose again. I want to know exactly who I am and have faith in my worth. I want my passion for something and everything to override my pain and desire for a different future.
I know I need to turn to my Heavenly Father. I need to rely on his sweet assurance that all the thoughts that my life the past few months has led me to are not true. I need to trust that I can be healed, but more importantly I need to desire to be healed.

I think a large part of me doesn’t want to be healed. I want to be sad and hurt and jaded for a while longer. I am afraid if I give up these feelings that I will then be placing myself at risk of it happening all over again. I need to trust myself maybe above everything. I need to trust that I won’t just give all my love away to someone who won't value it. I need to trust that my situation is isolated. I just got a bad apple. I understand why people become jaded and cynical now. It is fear that drives them. Fear to put themselves out there again. Fear that they might have the same outcome as the first time.
I am choosing to be disillusioned and that is why I am unhappy. I am letting fear prevail over hope and trust. In a sense, I am pushing away my Heavenly Father and his power to lift my burden because I am afraid to hope again. This is not like me. I am an optimistic and hopeful person. I have great faith in the goodness of mankind. I need to let go of my fear and trust. I need to feel like Shannon again.

My Getaway

Yesterday I returned home from a 7 day cruise to Puerto Vallarta, Mazatlan and Cabo with my mom. We had a blast! We left on the Carnival Splendor from Long Beach on March 7th. The best parts of the trip included: the chocolate melting cake at dinner each night, our smily waiter Roland, zip lining in the canopy of Puerto Vallarta, being 20 feet from two very active humpback whales in Cabo, eating amazing guacamole and salsa, greatly improving my tan, karaoke nights, and spending time with my mamacita! I highly recommend a cruise to anyone who needs to just get away.

The Help

Thanks to my awesome parents for getting me a purple ipod nano for Christmas, and my sister-in-law for letting me borrow many of her books on CD, I have really gotten into listening to books lately. I spend at least an hour in the car each day, going to and from work and these books keep my mind occupied and I would like to think increase my knowledge and understanding of humanity, while I am doing fairly brainless things (driving, cleaning, running, etc.).

I recently finished listening to a book called The Help by Kathryn Stockett. I absolutely loved the book. It takes place in Mississippi in the early 1960s and is written from the perspective of the help, or the black maids and nannies, and an educated white woman. The dialogue is beautiful and I really love the readers. It is a perfect book for me to listen to, because if I were reading it, my imagination would never fill in the accents and sass of the characters as well. For the past few weeks between 7:30-8:00am and 4:00-4:30pm I feel like I am in Jackson, Mississippi, 50 years ago and just love it!

I definitely recommend this book.

Postpartum?

I haven't had a baby, but I imagine what I have been feeling the past few days maybe similar to postpartum depression. I feel like something really good has happened, although I can't help but feel unfulfilled, lonely and discouraged. I can't say I am full on depressed, but I am definitely having a hard time being naturally happy.
I found out a week ago that my divorce papers were signed...which means I am now a "newly single". At first I was really happy. I don't even know why. I think it was just a legal representation that I was breaking away from something that had really hurt me. I think I also thought that once those papers were signed I would float into an active and easy single life. After the initial wave of happiness, I totally crashed and am still trying to recover.

I don't really like being single. For 3 years I built my identity around married life and my social network around married people. I invested deeply in the relationships, community and career that came along with being married. I feel like I have very little left now and what I do have left is little awkward or strained.

When I take a look at myself as a single person, I feel behind and kind of pathetic. I would have accomplished so much more by this point in my life if I didn't have a 3 year detour. In addition to that I feel embarrassed by what I am and no matter what I tell myself in my mind, I still wonder what is wrong with me. I wonder if I am lovable. I wonder what I am good at and what I am good for. I want to make clear that my thoughts are not that I am unlovable, or that I am good for nothing. I know I have worth, but I just don't know what it amounts to anymore.

I am nervous. I am nervous that people will judge me for things that are out of my control. I am nervous that those judgements will hurt more than the judgement of a stranger should. I am nervous that I will have my hopes brought up, just to see them let down in another bout of rejection.

I know these thoughts and feelings are a waste of time. I know I should just pull myself up from my boot straps and move forward with confidence and hope. I know I need to cast away fear and be filled with faith. It is just so hard when I still don't even understand

Weekend Highlights

FREEDOM

As of late I have had the most overwhelming feeling of freedom. Prior to my recent three year engagement, I had so many hopes and plans for my future that primarily had to do with graduate education, metropolitan work, internships and opportunities, and travel. I have rediscovered my passion and excitement for accomplishing or at least trying to accomplish some of those things.

I have rediscovered my passion period and am so happy to feel like myself again! I have always been a very passionate person, full of life, excitement and wonder for the world around me. For a while, I felt like I had lost my passion. I was very aware and unhappy about this change. I tried to find things that would restore my passion, but I felt like elements of my life were sucking the passion from me and I even nicknamed these influences passion killers. Some of the influences were people and some of the influences were just an overwhelming feeling that I was trapped into a life that wasn't as fulfilling as I expected it to be. I just felt like I had settled for much less than I was capable of and I couldn't get out of it.

On paper my life seemed like I had a checked off pretty ambitious list, but I always wanted and expected more from myself. I never dreamed about being married by 21, owning a house by 24, or being a history teacher for 3 years at a mediocre charter school--I dreamed about working really hard in a challenging grad program, traveling the world, starting my own non-profit and writing a book. Now that I am free from a life that was good, but not really fulfilling to me, I am so excited to go and do whatever I want.

I now spend much of my spare time looking into grad school programs, internship opportunities, taking personality and career placement test, brushing up on math until my GRE course starts, and dreaming of where I will go and how I will save the money to get there. At first I was really afraid of these dreams. I had become comfortable in my Utah Valley life, where all you have to do is wear cool clothes, exercise regularly and participate in some sort of domestic craft to fit in. For a little while, I felt like that was all I amounted to. No wonder I lost my passion!

I am thrilled to have ME back. I know that I am capable of great things--things that are important and fulfilling to me, and will be much more cautious in the future about what I allow to get in between me and those dreams.

Sometimes It Be That Way

Sometimes you write your own words to express yourself.

Sometimes someone has already written them for you.

Night with its shattered teeth

Attempts to speak

My pen is present but

Courage left via the sink

And I'm sorry
I snuck up on you
From behind

I'm sorry not all

My love letters did rhyme

And I'm sorry that

Jesus died for my sins

And I swear to God

It won't happen again

And I'm sorry

If it was my swerve that

Tempted you to sway

Oh well

Sometimes it be that way

And Romeo was

A very nice man

He said

"Jewel, I don't think

You quite understand"

And I'm sorry if you had

To explain it like this

I'm sorry I was a point

You were destined to miss

And I'm sorry

I spoke to you irreverently
Down in the hollow

By the old olive tree

And I'm sorry

If my heart breaking

Ruined your day

Oh well

Sometimes It be that way

I said

"Oh well, I got nothing

Left to sell

This love was a bell that

Rang unheard in the air

I was bound to find out

That you didn't care

Oh well

Sometimes it be that way

And Aphrodite with

Her neon lamp

Kissed Neptune

They put her face

On a stamp

And I'm sorry

I used it to mail

A letter to you

I'm sorry I'm glue and

The rest bounces off of you

And I'm sorry not even

This jet's metal wings

Could get across

These simple things

And I'm sorry

If I ever sang

Your name in vain

Oh well

Sometimes it be that way

And Goldilocks

Well she knew three bears

They all ate oatmeal

And tiptoed upstairs

And I'm sorry

I never got to

Find you like this

Sleeping like a baby

And swaddled in bliss

And I'm sorry for

All the times

I forgot to imply something

In between the lines

And I'm sorry

If my heart breaking

Ruined your day

Oh well

Sometimes it be that way

I said

"Oh well, I got nothing

Left to sell

This love was a bell that

Rang unheard in the air

I was bound to find out

That you didn't care

Oh well

Sometimes it be that way

And shadow's long fingers

They dance on the wall

Electricity chases

Its tail in the hall

And I'm sorry

If my arms to you

Were just empty rooms

I'm sorry

I never could comfort you

And I'm sorry

St. Petersburg is

A miserable town

And I'm sorry

If I am bringing you down

And I'm sorry

If I caused you pain

Oh well

Sometimes it be that way

And flame licks the air

With its silver tongue

Night has many hands

But I have just one

And I'm sorry

I walked in on you

Unexpectedly

I'm sorry

I never served you

Camomile tea

And I'm sorry

I didn't always have a match

That could start

A fire big enough

For your heart to catch

And I'm sorry

If it was my swerve that

Tempted you to sway

Oh well

Sometimes it be that