What I Want From ME

I think today is the first day since I arrived in Korea that I stayed home on a Friday night, went to bed early and then spent the entire day alone at home. It's been awesome! Lately I have felt haggard! Living in a foreign country is awesome because there is ALWAYS something new to do or see, but when you work full time and then spend all the rest of your free time chasing after these experiences, you get a little worn out!

With moving home in 6 weeks, I've been left contemplating, what next? I am pretty confident in my future education and career goals, but would like to think more about important and lasting personal goals. The goals that will determine much of who I will be as my life progresses on. I have really avoided thinking about these goals for a good 6 months because the goals themselves are scary! When you look at yourself and determine who you really want to be, there is not a person in the world that will set a higher standard than yourself. There is no one but you that can tell whether or not that ambition has been realized. And the nature of such goals can feel fleeting. They require attention and effort every single day to at least be on a road to gain them. The good news is character is the result. Character is the accumulation of consistent good decisions. It is manifested in great moments but built on small ones.

I have isolated 6 character traits that are important to me. If I could remember these traits to some extent each day in my life, I would be proud. If years down the road I could look back on my life and use these words to describe the time I spent among my fellowmen, I could rest happy.

I want to be:

1. Compassionate: Compassion shows love for even strangers. Sometimes being compassionate is exhausting. There is too much pain and suffering in the world to allow yourself to feel it all, but I hope to make the choice to feel. I hope to avoid distancing myself from other peoples suffering. That is selfish not preserving. Compassion leads to love and service. It doesn't have time for insecurity or selfishness because it paves the way for action. If I can look with compassion at the people I meet, I won't be able to stand still, I won't do things out of obligation, I will be present, body and spirit. I hope to live with a little more compassion in my life.

2. Courageous: Fear is everywhere and ruins everything! Simply put, fear robs dreams. I don't want to be oblivious to fear. I want to understand it, I want to feel it and then look it right in the eye and move forward. I don't want anything to have control over my life, least of all, fear. Fear comes in all shapes and sizes. Fear of failure, fear of lose, fear of disappointment, fear of rejection, fear of loneliness. Fear manifests itself in anxiety, confusion, and depression. Such terrible things can be overcome with that one word, courage! I want to be courageous. I need to spend the time to analyze why I'm dragging my feet on anything good, identify what it is that I'm afraid of and move on. I have yet to be in a life or death situation...what is the worst thing that could happen from being courageous...I may fail! I love the quote, "Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail Better." Being courageous keeps you moving forward. It opens up opportunities and experiences you may miss out on if you let fear take control.

3. Exuberant: If you know me, the real me, you know I LOVE LIFE!!! Often times I want to shout at the top of my lungs how amazed I am by the skyline of trees or the crashing of waves or the kindness of a stranger. Life is beautiful!! People are good! I never want to loose my excitement, my whole body belief that there is so much good to just feel. I love letting that recognition possess me. I love sharing my exuberance for life with others. It's so good...can you feel it?

4. Grateful: If I can maintain an attitude of gratitude (-.-) everything else will come easier. Gratitude keeps you safe from selfishness and disappointment. It doesn't expect anything and builds greater relationships, confidence, humility and charity. I feel gratitude often, but I hope I can vocally express it more! I am so grateful to my God, my family, my friends, and the everyday stranger that smiles at me. I'm grateful for my mind, my faith, my health, my opportunity to work, live and create relationships. Making a mental effort to be grateful for what you have will make each day feel a little better.

5. Involved: I want to be involved, but only in the right things. I want to be involved in my family and friends lives. I don't want to be overly involved, but enough so I know what's going on and enough that they know I'm there when they need me. And with that, I want to BE THERE! I don't want to miss being there for someone I love because I didn't take the time to really know them. I don't want to be so involved in something inconsequential that it takes away from the relationships that really matter. Work, church, community outreach, service organizations are all important, but with involvement I hope to maintain perspective. Where should I involve my time? What is most important? Where can I do the most good? I hope to be a little more involved in things that are good and uplifting.

6. Inner Peace: Inner peace is my measuring tool on how I'm doing with everything else. If I can take a look at myself and feel peace, then I'm doing all right. Inner peace, like all good things, requires effort. It will only be gained by making those small, good decisions daily and can only be recognized when I take the time to meditate and assess where I am at and what I need to change. It is easy to tell when something is off because inner peace can be interrupted so easily. Anxiety and confusion are the key perpetrators of my inner peace. Even if I'm not perfect, I feel peace when I can honestly look at myself and know I am at least on the path I want to be on. The moments of self-loathing or insecurity are the moments I've strayed off into the bushes. I hope my desire to have inner peace will keep me accountable to all that is good.

I hope I can think about these 6 goals, or values regularly. I hope they can become a part of me. I hope I can recognize the people and environments that move me toward the path I want to be on and the avoid the ones that create distance. I hope these values help me fight the fear associated with the more material life goals that should stop hiding in the back of my mind, namely committed relationships (not even brave enough to use the M word!) and family. If there's anything beautiful about this post, it's that it's full of hope. There were moments I didn't think such hope existed in my heart anymore. Humanity is good. It's resilient. And so am I.

DMZ Marathon

After months of study, I am sitting at my desk this morning completely unable to focus on another freaking math problem, so I figured I'd take a break and try catching up on my blog. Lately life has been coming at me faster than I can keep up with it, so I'll have to spend some time backtracking.

One of my best weekends in Korea thus far was September 3-4th when I caravaned up to Seoul with really great company and ran a marathon along the DMZ. For the sake of time, this entry is going to be a quick photo journal!

Pre-race carbo-loading at Chile's on the Osan Air Force Base. Bottomless chips and salsa is RARE treat when living in Korea! 

Food! All of these dishes were consumed by one person....

Jean-Paul!!

Mid-race snapshot. We're smiling, so maybe it was closer to the beginning of the race. This is my friend, Dave, who totally made this weekend happen. Not to mention he ran 13.1 miles, downed a Dr. Pepper and then came back to basically carry me through my last few miles. I couldn't have done it without him! 

The course was in a huge valley between some breath-taking mountains. It was absolutely beautiful. Although, there were a few moments where I was out in the middle of the DMZ, hot, tired, alone and even fearful to run to a bush to go to the bathroom because of the mine signs everywhere! Not necessarily a place I'd want to be stranded alone for a long period of time. 

Along the way there were Korean soldiers lined up, cheering, giving us high fives and encouraging us to keep, "fighting!". I naturally ran a little faster through and loved the attention. ^-^

Abandoned building at the boarder of the DMZ

Check point onto the DMZ. No pictures aloud beyond this point.

Exhausted!!!

Resting after too much running! I wasn't sure if I'd be able to stand up again at this point!

Change of clothes, momentary light headedness, sore muscles, but happily still fighting!!!

 I think I have a slight love affair with running!

Shannon in Korea

Time for another self analysis recap. I know I probably spend too much time gaging where I'm at, but it's just what needs to be done for me to be at a level of self-awareness I'm comfortable with.

I'm coming upon my 9th month in Korea and I feel like a different person from the one I was when I left the US. When I left home although a year had past, I still felt a little shell-shocked. I felt like the slightest turbulence could have me violently rocking. I wasn't sure what I wanted, all I knew was that I needed time to myself.

My first few months in Korea, I spent a lot of my free time worrying about big religious questions. I felt a lot of pressure to figure out what I believed and to figure it out quick. Answers weren't coming easily. I was still effected by the emotion of my situation and a little high strung because the shadow of failing was getting closer every day I didn't have the answers I felt people expected me to have.

I met some unique friends early on. Complete lovers of life. There wasn't a person they didn't want to get to know or a situation they were afraid of. They loved everyone and expressed it openly. These friends had incredible energy and I felt relaxed and uplifted when I was around them. I don't know what religion they are or what they believe, but each moment of their lives was filled with caring for others and gratitude and humility for the moments they were living. I was struck by their ability to be Christlike, I spent my free time with them and let that confidence they exuded be seen in myself. I stopped worrying about religious dogmas and started worrying about people. I smiled at everyone I met and didn't let a language barrier prevent friendships, laughter or amiable-everyday interactions. I laughed through the months of April and May and felt free to just be myself, that person that I am constantly trying to be aware of, for the first time in a very long time.

When my friends left in June, I was SAD! I struggled to find friends with their same genuine kindness and energy. I now had the confidence to make friends easily, and naturally saw the best in the people, but quickly learned I needed to be better at discerning between people who had potential to be great and people who were great. I often reminded myself to remember to be picky about the company I keep. Although I enjoy meeting and getting to know most people, I really value those few people I can connect with and are edifying to be around.

July was a difficult month. I learned that I am not good at working for 7 months straight without a break. Crazy Koreans - take a holiday for heaven's sake! The week before my trip home to see my family, I stopped sleeping regularly and felt on edge. I managed to burst a blood vessel in my eye I was so worn down. I don't know if the stress came from working or going home. But after a break at home, I felt rejuvenated and ready for the next 5 months.

August was spent feeding ambition that thankfully returned with force. I was running a lot in prep for a marathon, researching grad schools and studying for the GRE. Other free time was spent with the friends I already knew and cared about doing the things we enjoyed. I had a few  occasions where I wasted my time with poor company and it left me feeling really disappointed in myself for days. Guilt is a powerful weapon! I haven't made the same mistake since and my future calendar is filled with weekend trips, dinners and projects.

It's September now and I continue to be busy with graduate school prep. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I am going to do for the 8 months between Korea and the start of graduate school. I really like the person I have developed into while living in Korea. I have a lot more confidence than before and am okay if people don't like or understand me. (Being a perpetual people pleaser was exhausting!) I am okay with who I am today. There are still things I hope to become or hope to believe, but I understand that development is a never ending process. Character is developed by the accumulation of small good decisions over a life time.

Sometimes I am nervous to go home. I don't want the confident, friendly person I am in Korea, to fade away. I don't want the small pressures and arguments of family, friends, finance, church, and politics to take away from the lightness I feel. Is Korea an escape or can I continue to be the calm and carefree person I am now in America? How can I ensure that the person I am here, today, can also be a part of me in another environment? With that said, the environment must change. I can't stay in Korea any longer than a year. I've done all the growing I can do here. It is time to go home and be challenged with something new.

I've loved Korea and will continue to LIVE and cherish my last 3 months here. ^-^

Temple Stay Thoughts

(Written on August 21st)

Last night I had a really unique opportunity to stay at Buddhist temple and learn about Buddhism as it applies to traditional Korean religion and culture and, more interestingly, I was able to learn from a Zen Buddhist monk from Detroit about non-Buddhism and spirituality. The experience in entirety was unique and uplifting. Here are a few of the thoughts I came away with: 

Thoughts to remember:

If we live in a way in which we are fully present in the moment, we can more easily live out our fullest potential and be happy. Learn to be ever-present in the moment at hand. As we focus on failures or disappointments of the past or fears or anxieties of the future we are robbing ourselves of the precious gift of the here and now. Be aware and grateful of your environment. Be completely present in the conversations you have, food you eat, words you say. Try to live each moment.

As I was meditating it was really difficult for me to just be present. My mind was constantly running through the past and future. I was making to do list, worrying about the past, worrying about the future. It was 4:30am. I was in a beautiful temple in the countryside of Korea. The air was crisp and cold from the late night rain. It was silent as I sat by others who breathed in the stillness. Whose energy spoke of service and ease or at least a search for to obtain such. What was I going to do to solve all the anxieties that kept popping into my mind at that time? NOTHING! Even though it was only for seconds at a time, each one of those worries was taking away my ability to fully appreciate and live in that very beautiful moment. That was when I realized the value of learning to be ever-present.

Meditation: As humans we are subject to the coming and going of emotions and thoughts. Often times our emotions and thoughts are out of our control. As much as we’d like to believe it, we can’t just tell ourselves to be happy, or to not be effected by this disappointment or to stop thinking about why your friends aren’t texting or why the man you’re interested in isn’t courting you. The thing we have some control over is our body. With meditation we sit in postures to control our body. As we discipline our body to hold still and be comfortable in what would usually be uncomfortable positions we are disciplining our selves to gain better control over the thoughts and emotions that are a little harder to overcome. Meditation is a time to clear your mind. Think about breathe alone. Think about a question without searching for an answer. Learn to be okay with the unknown. Learn to be unaffected by disappointment, but to still live in awe of each moment because that moment is present and special. 10 minutes of meditation a day can bring about greater ease and peace in our lives. It helps restore perspective.

Being awake is being completely aware of what your purpose is in life. Mother Teresa and Martin Luther King (and even Joseph Smith!) are examples of people who were awake. They knew they had a special calling in life and embraced that calling with all their hearts. They didn’t care how difficult it was, whether or not they would succeed and whether or not their friends and family understood. They understood themselves and their work and they lived everyday to carry out that work.  Each of us have something special to do. Something that just feels right. It’s who we are. It’s what we were made to do. Discovering what that thing is and rendering our hearts and souls to that calling is being awake. A complete sense of self. A confidence no one can shake. Being awake brings peace. It brings about ease and calmness. It provides fulfillment and purpose. When we understand our purpose, we can’t waste time on things that distract us from that purpose. We can be kind to everyone, but we can’t waste time on people or dogmas that try to drag us away from who we are. I’ve always tried to be authentic in my actions, words and beliefs. I think I’ll really be on to something when I discover my purpose and then can live in a way that all my actions are authentic to that purpose. I don’t want anything to tell me what that purpose is. I don’t want it to come from a friend, family member or church. I want that understanding to come from within. I want to be sure that it not only comes from within me, but that it is me. It won’t be embarrassed or persuaded by others. It will be proud, assured and pour out good energy. It will be attractive and good.

I just need to figure out how to discover that purpose!

Orientation inside the temple

Traditional buddhist meal: everything is must be eaten, recycled and as clean as it was before the meal started. Whitney and I are cleaning out our bowls after a dinner of rice, soup, tofu and veggies. 

Every religion has their rituals. This one included placing offerings for Buddha, or rather to support the monks that live at the facility. Offerings included rice, incense, fruit and candles.

Another ritual is doing 108 bows. That doesn't sound hard, but trust me, it is! The proper way to bow is to hold your hands in prayer position, go to your knees, bend down to touch your forehead and hands to the floor, raise your hands, go back to your knees, place your hands in prayer position and stand back up. The bows are done to a monks chanting and are fluid from one to the next. The purpose is to rid oneself of earthly desires. I finished the bows...sweating, but my quads hurt for days after so much squatting! 

Meditation inside the giant golden Buddha.

I love this temple. It is about 20 minutes from my house and so beautiful. It really caters to educating foreigners and the people are so kind and accommodating.

6am gardening

Painting traditional Lotus flowers.

The entire group at the end of the stay. 

One Little Life

Who would have thought all the pains and challenges of adulthood would actually affect us? A few years ago, I didn't believe it. I thought, 'I'm a good person, doing what I'm supposed to. I keep myself pure and even naive to the ugliness of the world. I'll be blessed. Because I keep myself away from the ugliness, it will stay away from me too.' Life sets in and we find that a desire to avoid the ugliness of the world is not reciprocal. Painful, ugly things creep in regardless of who we are or what we do. And that recognition is crushing! I did everything right! I wasn't supposed to hurt! I fought my hardest fight! Why am I still loosing? How can I learn to put all my faith and hope into something again when I now know what it feels like to loose everything I was fighting for? My life took an unpredictable path when I was 24 and I am finally okay with that. It's influenced who I am now for better and worse. Honestly, I'm still trying to make sense of our existence. I try to love life, love people and trust. I try to set high goals, work hard and be a good person. But sometimes I look around and think, "The gods must be crazy!". I can't help but occasionally imagine them sitting around that checkerboard of the world and just screwing with us. Then those seminary verses pop up, "Adam fell, that man might be, and man are that they might have joy." "This is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of men." And I find myself bouncing back and forth between belief, disbelief, hope and disillusionment.

I've accepted that in life, there is pain. We are going to have challenges that feel overwhelming. If God needs to throw more obstacles my way, that's fine. I'll deal with it. In some moments I don't really care if I'm good enough for Him. I just want to be good enough for me and for the people I know and love. Life is hard but I know I can slowly dig through the challenges. I believe in my ability to see the beauty and the goodness of mankind even when I am drowning in difficult things. I may become a little hardened with each disappointment, but I can face heartbreak. I probably even deserve some of them! 

Today, my heart is broken for my friend. I prepared my heart to face personal disappointments. I wasn't prepared for my friend's disappointments. She doesn't deserve to hurt. I want to take away her pain. I don't want her to feel empty. She was there for me when I was hurting. She spoke with maturity and hope. She listened and didn't try to rush my healing process. I've seen her fight for 7 months with the determination you read about in survival novels. She had deep resources of energy and poured every ounce of her soul into the fight. She believed and fought and believed some more. Today, she aches. Everything feels empty. But she keeps believing. Even at her lowest moment, this friend remains an example to me.

We all have challenges. It is how we overcome our challenges and still keep our integrity and hope that is the real test. To my friend: I ache with you. I love you. I look up to you. A friend gave me some advice when all seemed to be lost. She said, "You've dug deep, but this is when the real drilling begins."  Allow for moments of weakness, but don't forget your strength. Be angry if you need, but hold on to that gift of hope and assurance you've shared. Mourn for you lose, but take comfort in how many people have been touched and blessed by the one little life you shared. Ani and Ruby my thoughts are constantly with you. Thanks for your strength and example.

Family: Perspective Regained, Hope Restored

The next 5 days are going to be the longest 5 days in Korea. At the end of them, I'm flying from Gimhae to Beijing, hanging out in the facebook-prohibited Beijing airport for 6 hours and then boarding a plane for LAX. At 9pm on Saturday, July 23rd I'm going to be in America, seeing my family, and I can't wait!

I have really enjoyed my time in Korea so far. I have learned so much about different cultures and people. I have made some really good friends and have learned how to identify the people that are uplifting. I have seen world wonders and experienced collective society living. Korea is a loving, happy and comfortable place to live. The people are so kind and helpful. BUT, they're not my family and I'm ready to go home for a time.

When I left for Korea, I was ready to move on. There were no tears, fears or regrets at departing. I love my family and my country deeply, but I was ready to take on a completely new experience, alone. I've been amazed at how close I have stayed to my family members as I've been away. With some members, I actually feel even closer. I'm so grateful for Skype, facebook and email. I am able to communicate with my family in someway on a daily basis. Being in Korea has shown me what an amazing family I have. They really care about me. They really love me. They make themselves available to talk and listen even when we have this strange time difference. They send me emails, post pictures of their children for me to see, and keep me informed on what's going on in their lives. They're interested in my life and want to hear about my experiences. The relationship they hold with me is completely selfless. They don't expect anything in return for their time. They truly just want to see me happy. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude when I recognize the deep bond I have with my family members. They are the most important thing in my life.

I needed this time away to remember the importance of family. I was so upset when I lost my potential family that I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want to believe that family was important because emotionally I couldn't deal with starting over and trying again. I wanted to believe that I could live a happy and meaningful life without relying on anyone. It felt so much safer. I've lived alone for over a year now and still hate it! I love being with people. I love meaningful relationships. I love having people in your life that you can say anything and nothing to. People who I can thoughtlessly hold hands with and give hugs too. Family is home. It's a place that is safe and loving. A place where selfishness doesn't exist. It's a place of unity and encouragement.

The strong positive feelings from such a union as family, also come with strong negative emotions when families are broken. Those emotions can bulldoze you into believing that family is not worth fighting for. For a while I was very nearsighted in my views on family. I kept focusing on my little family that didn't work out and allowed myself to be disillusioned about the concept of family. I'm so grateful my perspective has changed. I am so grateful to have parents that love each other and made it their life work to raise children that also know how to love each other. I still may not be ready to find someone to settle down with, but I have a better idea of what I'm looking for. I like ambition, passion, romance, etc. when it comes to finding a companion, but I now realize that the most important thing is to find someone who understands what family means and is committed to creating one that is selfless and successful.

I believe again that family is worth fighting for. My hope is returning that I can find someone who cares about creating a strong family as much as I do. I can't find the words to express how grateful I am for each member of my family (Aubrey Richardson and Kristen Hill included). Thank you for loving me when I wasn't very good at returning the love. Thank you for showing me that even though I fell off the horse, the ride that will follow is worth getting back on. I love you guys and can't wait to see you in 5 days!

Loneliness

Loneliness, I knew when things ended that you and I’d become friends. I’d known others whose lives were affected by their unwanted friendship with you. I wasn’t looking forward to getting to know you better, but knew you’d be a better friend than one who didn’t want to know me. This relationship between you and I is not really happy, not really fulfilling. It constantly leaves me wanting more. I sometimes laugh that I chose you. I often laugh when I continue to choose you.

Loneliness, you’re safe. I can trust you. You’re predictable. You’re honest to that insatiable, melancholy and solitary nature of yours. I’m not happy to know you. I didn’t grow up hoping to be your best friend. But I am proud that I’m strong enough to know you. 

Loneliness, people are really scared of you. So scared that they’ll give up pieces of themselves to fill the place where you belong.

Loneliness, I’m comfortable with you. I don’t want to be your friend forever, but won’t give you up for something that is not infinitely better.

Loneliness, I know you’ll always be there for me. Cheers to being life’s loyalist friend!