Hear, Hear

As already stated, this summer has been challenging. Change has ruined me, yet, when I am not in a bout of lethargy, I am overwhelmed by the ways I want change in my life. I have avoided writing because when I write, the recesses of my soul come through, and it is easier to be numb than getting chummy with the hidden monsters that manifests themselves when I am worn down or reluctantly inspired.

This extended period of numbness comes at a price. You can only do so little, for so long and still feel human. Although I do fill my days with this and that, I feel like I do so little, because so little of what I do is personally fulfilling. My life before was so fulfilling. Many people depended on me and I was able to make a difference regularly. Now, I take a look at myself at the end of the day and conclude that I didn’t improve that man’s quality of life by outfitting him for his next bar scene hook up and I’m not really improving myself by flipping through Esquire and Vogue so I can spout off the latest fashions to the few people who still have the money to care.

I made a conscious effort to be selfish for a season. Or rather, to take some time off from my traditional responsibilities so I could sufficiently tend to myself for a time.

I am learning that tending to others is the best way to tend to myself.

I need to find balance. I still have sudden urges to move to a developing nation to teach hygiene and English, but something tells me that would be running away from, not solving this inner turmoil. Now is not the time to be engulfed in overwhelming need. I need to be okay with me before I serve in a demanding environment. The impact of a newly woven rope is greater and longer lasting than one that is already frayed.

What do I need more than anything right now?

I need to feel and believe that I am useful. I need to do some good.

I have spent the summer searching for career and educational opportunities. I have postponed my GRE prep class twice and am contemplating postponing it for a third. I have run 10 miles a week, barely. I have finished 2 books. I have moseyed around with strange company. I have slept in till 9:30. I have seen 1 movie. This is what I have to show for myself...

I think I am actually less motivated to do things for myself, the more time for myself I have.

I think focusing on others will give me perspective again. It will provide me with the human emotions I long for. It will motivate me to wake up in the morning. You may be reading this and saying, “duh, Shannon”, but it is a bit of a revelation right now. In the past I always served others because I liked to do it and I thought people needed me. I never realized how much I needed service to feel okay.

So here’s to a little progress. Here’s to a small change. Here’s to attempted potential fulfillment. Here’s to selfish service with a hope that it will put a small aspect of my life back on course.

Hear, Hear.

Shannon, 6 months out

This summer has been more challenging than I ever thought to even consider. I was completely unprepared for the challenges of moving away from my career and community and starting over. For the first time in my life, I have to make a very conscious effort to keep my discontent and cynicism at bay. I am still deeply affected by my divorce. I thought because the pain of rejection had subsided, I would naturally go back to being my optimistic and sensitive self. I thought I could go back to being “pre-Tyler” Shannon. I think recognizing that that person doesn’t exist anymore is what has brought me the greatest amount of sorrow. I was such a beautiful, wholesome and loving person. I know my marriage was unfulfilling and dysfunctional most the time, but it made sense. Life rarely makes sense anymore.

I have been mind numb this summer [Sorry to everyone who I have ignored, or failed to express my love and gratitude for lately…]. I can’t think, I can’t feel, I can’t perform like I used to. My thoughts are incomplete, my feelings are shallow and I lack the motivation and confidence to take on anything great.


I want is to face every skeleton and move on. I don’t want to be affected by this anymore. I want to be myself. I want to feel like I matter again. I want to be overwhelmed by the goodness of others and the beauty of the world around me. I want my passion for human kindness and my love for learning back.


I don’t know how to get these things back. I don’t know how to heal any faster. I don’t how to fix broken trust. I want to make sure that all my wounds heal up clean. I am not going to fill my mind with distractions and crap while my wounds scab over, just to have them open back up at the first sign of distress. I think what I am going through is temporary and just part of the healing process. I hope I am doing something right…


I have withheld from posting my writings this summer, because most of them sound like this; depressing. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is part of the process. I want to remember all phases of going through a life changing challenge, so when I go through another, I will know what to expect. Maybe I’ll know how to heal faster next time. Maybe I’ll be the first person to write a book on overcoming divorce for the Latter-day Saint. (Deseret book only has books on how to make marriages last – I’ve checked). Maybe it will help me to comfort others who are going through a hard time too. Maybe there is meaning and purpose to being confused and depressed for a few months. I’ll let you know in my upcoming writings.

Tumbled

If I were to really tell you what I've been thinking about this summer, you'd be depressed. This summer has been an interesting time in my life. Surprisingly challenging. I've spent most of the summer trying to distract myself from my disappointment. For some reason I thought because I had gone through a hard thing this year, as soon as I moved away, everything would fall into place. Like I deserved "a break" from life's challenges. I don't know if life takes breaks.

I'm still recovering. I feel like I am a constant state of disorientation. The kind of disorientation you get when you're tumbled in the surf. You thought you dove deep enough, but the forces of nature have you struggling to find the surface, while simultaneously spreading salt and sand into every orphus of your body. When you're spit out onto the shore, you stagger for a few minutes. Remove the hair from your eyes, wipe the snot from your face and cough up what salt water you can.

I wonder if I am still caught in the wave, or am just recovering from the tumble.

A Reality Worth Dreaming About

Last night I went and saw a movie called "Inception" with a friend. The movie was about dreams and a subplot focused on a characters inability to decipher between what was reality and what was not. The character got so caught up in her dream world with the people she loved, she lost a grip on reality.

This idea struck a chord with me. Last night my dreams were filled with happy memories. They took me back to a time and place where I loved and was loved in return. Back to the time when I loved so deeply, that even the idea of being apart was painful. I liked that time. I liked the smiles, the familiar phrases, the spontaneous laughter, and the excitement for a future together.

Part of me wishes I didn't wake up today. I wish I could have stayed in that dream world a little longer. Another part of me wishes my subconscious would stop reminding me that I still care.

Waking up from this world is really hard. Being reminded of reality when how things were and should have been is just a dream away makes you feel like you've relived the whole experience in the split second between sleep and awake. It is an emotionally draining way to start your day.

I worry that I am starting to forget the injustices and the "fundamental differences". Forgetting the bad is leaving me with more pronounced memories of the good and I feel incredibly vulnerable.

I have a good life now. It's filled with people that love me, independence, and self-awareness. I thought this new and good life would help me to stop missing the past, but the constant and subtle ache lingers. I miss the little things. I miss Crate and Barrel glasses stacked along side the bed...

I need to stay away from this dream world. I need to remember the disregard and deception. I cannot romanticize the past and hope to move forward.

I need to wake up. Wake up when I am weak. Wake up when I wonder or wish to go back to the way things were. Wake up from the peaceful reality of my dreams so I can more diligently create a reality worth dreaming about.

Golden Day

On June 25th, 2010, I turned 25 years old. For some childish reason, I have been looking forward to this "Golden Birthday" for years. After much deliberation over what to do to make it memorable, I settled upon a PCH road trip with the one and only KHill. I was not disappointed by this decision.

Our first stop was UC Berkeley which was fairly uneventful other than being followed by a GreenPeace lesbian who informed us of the Gay Pride weekend and parade taking place in San Fran.  We cancelled our reservation at the SF hostel, booked a hotel outside of the city, and I signed up for GreenPeace.

Next we headed into the city and went to the Great Park Museum to see an Impressionist exhibit that was on loan from the Musee D'Orsey. Some of my all time favorite paintings were on display and having dabbled into oil painting lately I developed an even greater appreciation for the talent of these Frenchmen. In San Francisco we also drove around the city, down Lombard street and meet up with some friends for dinner. It was a great day.

We stayed in Santa Cruz and I woke up the next morning and explored the little beach town on my run. I have a slight obsession with sightseeing while running. It is just so exhilarating! I loved Santa Cruz. We stumbled upon a Woodie's "expo", went on the Giant Dipper roller coaster and watched what seemed like extreme surfing to me.

Our next stop was Monterrey where we went to the aquarium and had dinner. I LOVED the otters there. It was awesome because they were not only playful and fun at the aquarium but they were also easily spotted all along the coast! That night we stayed at a hostel and met people from all over the country and world. Haha, I think it was one of the best things I have ever done. From now on, I will definitely check into hostels for my US travels. You just can't beat a clean bed, timed showers and diverse company for 20 bucks a night!

The next morning we drove through Pebble Beach and Big Sur. We stopped in San Luis Obispo and watched the World Cup over a hamburger and sweet potato fries and visited the bubble gum ally (GROSS) and the mission. I really liked the feel of San Luis Obispo and am going to check out the grad program offerings there. From SLO, we continued to drive through Santa Barbara, Ventura and Malibu and ended up back in LA where we started.

Doing this trip with Kristen was perfect. She was an excellent travel companion and we had plenty to discuss and analyze for 3 days straight. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend to celebrate my 25th!

Road Trip 2010

On May 29th I took off with my roomie, Anna, for a 12 day road trip across the Northern United States. The drive was beautiful and spending that many hours in the car was amazingly theraputic. I feel like a somewhat sane person again.

So here are stats:

States visited: Utah, Wyoming, Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, West Virginia, Pennsylvania, Maryland, DC and Virginia.

Cities, sites and attractions visited in order of appearance

-Shoulder of of I-80 for a meeting with law enforcement and pit stop at Lincoln Monument, WY

-Lincoln for dinner at Chipotle, Omaha for a nights rest at our fav, Marriott, and Winter Quarters Temple, NE.

-Perfect little suburb named Wilmette to stay with some kind and accomodating friends, and Chicago which included Giardano's Pizza, Garrett's carmel popcorn, Millenium Park, Magnificent Mile, Boat Architecture tour and Vosges chocolate. I did manage to hit up and Nordstrom sale for a 2nd time in Chicago as well, IL.

-West Lafayette for a quick breakfast with some of my favorite people (those scones were delish!), and Indianapolis to meet some more friends for a Greek lunch, IN.

-Another great Marriott in West Virginia, just outside of Pittsburgh. Favorite run through tiny little mountain villages. OH, WV.

-Windy, forested roads which opened up to small towns and Amish and Mennonite Villages, and Gettysburg for a moment to remember the 20,000 dead and a legendary speech, PA.

-Washington DC to play with my BFF and see the Smithsonian art, the Arlington Cemetary, Mount Vernon, Georgetown, the White House, the Capital, Monuments and the DC temple. Had an enjoyable day with my fab uncle/tour guide. Great walks with Aubs and Champ. Had my first Afghan dinner with the Johns and overall had a wonderful time.

-Colonial Williamsburg was charming and educational, Jamestown and the beaches along the Chesapeake were completely inspiring and the monuments to Confederate generals, the Museum of the Confederacy and Jefferson Davis' White House in Richmond provided a new perspective! I also had some delish Southern BBQ of which the sweet potatoe fries with cinnamon sugar were a huge hit (surprised?)

I don't really like using my blog as a journal, but I thought this trip should be remembered. I may post some more pics and thoughts on it later. Tata for now!

Checking into the Nut House

I never knew what it felt like to be crazy until this week. This month I have been really anxious. I wrote off the feeling because logically, I didn't have anything to really worry about. My divorce was final, all ties with my ex had been broken, and I was moving on. This anxiety got out of control this week. It was the weirdest thing. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, I couldn't focus on a conversation, I couldn't focus on a single thought, I couldn't read, I couldn't pray...I was essentially useless! My mind would not stopped running, but it wouldn't choose a direction to run in. I tried to control my thoughts. I tried to have just one thought, or no thoughts at all. I ran, I did yoga, I listened to music, I hiked, I talked, I pondered and got nowhere. I was ready to call my therapist, get some anti-anxiety meds and check myself into a Nut House just so I could have a peace of mind long enough to eat and sleep.

After pulling through such an unpleasant strain of emotion, I am filled with gratitude for the comfort and direction the teachings of gospel provide. Amidst my hysterics a priesthood blessing was suggested by a wise and loving friend. That blessing was given, along with advice and a serious pep talk that I was deeply in need of hearing.

A few things I would like to remember are: My Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of what I am going through. Even when I feel like I have not been a good enough person to receive any of that love, it is still there. I need to trust that I can feel that love even during weeks when my scripture reading and prayers are overrun by loud and self denigrating analyses. I need to remember that I am doing okay, maybe even awesome. I've had a heavy burden to carry for a 24 year old, and I haven't really done anything to deserve it. I've been strong. I haven't given up on my faith, my covenants or my hope for a better future. I haven't even taken a sick day at work for heaven's sake! I need to stop being so hard on myself. I am not behind. I'm not unlovable because I am not exactly who I want to be yet. I need to relax. I need to trust that the Lord does have a plan for me and it will lead to good places.

My focus the next few months is going to be to relax. I don't need to conquer the world and have my life perfectly mapped out by August. I can just bum around. I'm going to stop surviving and to start living. I am tired of feeling like the real me comes out through a filter dirtied by life's disappointments. I know who I am, I just need to start living like that person.